Give to Caesar what is Caesars, and to grammar what is left of your dignity

Out of bed, after three hours of futility. No, that's not a sex joke, I'm trying to fall asleep.
And failing miserably.

Discovered this before heading off to bed. It's over 11 minutes, so don't feel obliged to watch it if you're not so inclined. Spike Jonze hooks up with Kanye West again, and it's actually pretty impressive. I really liked the first six minutes, or so. After that it isn't as great--but still, Spike Jonze is Spike Jonze.



So the best thing about having seen every episode of Friends? You can just pick up anywhere you want. Not like you're spoiling anything. Just grab a season off your shelf and hit it up. But seriously, that's not what this is about. I can't sleep, or something. It's like I'm not good at it, or I haven't prepared for it properly. I don't understand it. I'd love to be able to put a finger on it.

Just like I'd love to be able to put a finger on whatever it is I'm picturing at night. It's like there's an image that I can't actually see. An engraving that I can only run my eyes over to feel the bumps and curves. I don't even know what it's about. Everything is just a guess; I'm grasping at straws.


This is my cactus, Jupiter. Right now he's chillin' at home. Thanks to Mom and Dad for taking care of him while I'm across the province educatin', overratin', and proliferatin'. Since you're reading anyway.

//

Two nights later//

Here I am again. 4:55 in the morning, sitting in a chair rather than lying in bed. Perhaps I should just give in--become nocturnal. Unfortunately, my exam schedule is unflinching and, by God, it would be pretty hard to write all of my 9:00AM exams while asleep in bed. Then again, maybe I'll have a better shot asleep than I will awake. Perhaps I'll just have someone cart me in to the exam room while I'm asleep and place a pencil in my hand. Perhaps...
Hey wait. That reminds me of something.

Oh right, how about everything I've ever written here after 2AM?
But how about some summer?
Okay.



Recently I've been reminded how important it is to be aware of the fickleness of life. I mean, honestly, you're here one day and the next... well, you're still here. But it won't be like that forever! It's irrelevant, though, because what I really want to talk about is how abruptly you can lose someone, without warning. And, in classic Me fashion, I mean that in all senses of the word. Whether they pass away, run away, move away, or you throw them away. Life is mercurial. Don't let that get the best of you. Sure it may surprise you, but don't let it leave you with regret.
Some things need to be said. Too often we find ourselves in a position of putting those things off. Day after day. I would be remorse if I let you leave without beating this down your throat, shoving you over the head with it. So once again, I implore you--beg you to think about this.
And I know I've said practically identical words in this very place before. They say when something is repeated, it must be important. Allow me to say that when something is repeated, maybe you should have listened the first time.

Phoenix - 1901 - A Take Away Show from La Blogotheque on Vimeo.

All this aside, allow me to digress.
For the first time in years, the reason I am up this late is because someone came to me with good news.
It's been too long. And THAT needs to be said.

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face

31 | the sunrise project from JJ Starr on Vimeo.

KA-BAM
And I'm back.

Once again, I'll be bringing your way some of the things that you value most--and some of the things that you could really care less about. But enough chit-chat. Let's get down to business. The business of you shutting up and listening. I don't do this very much anymore, and I like to think it's with good cause. I really don't like showing up with nothing to offer. That is, I don't like writing for half a page, keeping you all around in hopes that I'll say something worthwhile, if it's not going to happen. It's not that you don't care what I'm up to and wouldn't be interested in a cut and dry rehashing of all the things I've been up to, it's that I really don't want to be that guy. I'd much rather do my best to say something relevant and see if I can talk about something, I don't know, other than myself. On an ultimate scale, that is.

Maybe I should rephrase that. It's not that I don't like talking about myself. It's that I don't like talking about actual events. I'm much more hypothetical, I guess.




I spend most of my time these days on edge. In a constant state of cynicism, questioning what's going on as a product of some bizarre concoction of events. I overthink, underthink, and ignore all at the same time. And then sometimes I just don't care anymore. I have limits, I guess. I like to think that on some level I will always have that unconditional ability--but when my conscious, controlled thinking kicks in... then I have limits. Which is to say that sometimes and in some cases, I have chosen to have limits. It's not necessarily an indication of the person or the situation, but perhaps they have just worn out their welcome.
I suppose you'd all be proud of me--four years later and I've finally started calling the shots. Except now we're looking at a doomsday clock. Which is to say that somebody should have done this sooner. Namely me.

Atelic from duckeyejey on Vimeo.

I find that when I really need something, I always manage to come up with it. I think it's a general rule, actually. Something subconscious about it. We know that we need this, and need it bad, so we say "Screw the pain," and step in front of the buses ourselves. That extra bit of effort seems to always push us over the top. I'm always surprised and how people seem to pull off remarkably improbable feats when they just NEED them. That says something about character, I think. That resolve, that drive. The desire to be someone who just won't be beaten. So that's what this is. Now I'm saying I won't be beaten.

Ramona Falls "I Say Fever" from Barsuk Records on Vimeo.

But don't you leave me hanging.

Back With More

SCRIBE MUNDO DE PAPEL from ladies on Vimeo.

I'm back with an unshakable feeling of efficacy. This is me, just basking in what's sitting out there. Anyone feeling hopeful? Yeah, well you should be.

This isn't because I've had any streak of kick-assery (look it up), or anything. This is because I've decided everything else just wasn't worth it (more on that later). So what would you like, tonight? A list of songs to turn your awesome on? A check up on what's really worth paying attention to? Some sort of half-assed reference to what school is all about now? Excessive use of a sentence/paragraph pattern? ALL YES.

But this time we make you work for it.

Pursuit of Happiness - Kid CuDi ft. MGMT & Ratatat

All my time right now is divided in some manner or other between
a) reading my textbooks
b) attending class
c) buying groceries
d) wishing I had more time for about 65% of the people in my life
e) planning how best to stay warm in the winter
and frankly, I'm sort of fine with that. Like I said, I just don't want to waste my time on details that aren't important. Why? Because I don't have the time. Somehow, in this whole paradoxical shimmey-shake, I entrenched myself so quickly that I don't even have the time to successfully reorganize or prioritize my schedule. That's right: I'm cutting it so close I don't have time to figure out how to stop cutting corners. It could have something to do with all five of my courses basically spending two weeks rehashing Grade 12 Data Management--each with their own sets of different (read: incompatible) definitions for the same terminology.

Never Better - P.O.S.
Oxford Comma - Vampire Weekend

TV is awesome. You should all be up to speed--or pursuing said speed--on the following:
How I Met Your Mother
The Office
NCIS
Family Guy
and if you aren't, well, that's your prerogative (read: SHAME ON YOU). But I ask you, have I ever steered you wrong?

Rome - Phoenix
Supernova - Mr. Hudson ft. Kanye West

I'm all jumbled up, because I can't decide what exactly to do with my studies. I made a big step by throwing myself headlong at psychology. I also made a big commitment. That's a lot of time I'll be investing--so I'd better know what I want. So far, the list is at:
a) clinical psychologist
b) marketing
c) professor
d) social psychology
e) snappy dresser
and those are all pretty enticing. But of course, I just realized I could be a snappy dresser for ALL of those jobs. INCLUDING snappy dresser. I attribute that epiphany to 35% of the norepinephrine flowing in my body right now. The remainder you guys can just divvy amongst yourselves. Debate and debacle.
...Totally not related.

Heartbeats - Jose Gonzalez (The Knife cover)
Young Forever - Jay-Z ft. Mr. Hudson

While we're on the topic of unrelated (like synapses weren't enough), I think everyone should take a course in psychology at least once in their university studies. Puts a lot of stuff into perspective. Of course, you'll end up a little more like me--second-guessing every attribution you make, developing a paper phobia you yourself can not only identify, but also chastise yourself for labeling as a phobia, with a poster over your desk with "F.A.E." written in block letters. But, aw man, it's fun. I'm supposed to be performing some sort of experiment on myself later this year which will probably involve both operant and classical conditioning on some sort of semi-sub-unconscious. Maybe that's all just a ruse and you're the one I'm really conditioning. Hey, I just did it to you again. Sorry, I'll stop.

Sorry.

I'm stalling. Hopefully I'll have something awesome to throw on the end here to leave you with. Also, I hope to figure out how I got purple ink all over my clothes at work. Oh, hey, I got it.

blue roses - "doubtful comforts" (3D camera shift musicvideo) from fabian röttger on Vimeo.

Evidently I've Got More

As per usual, I'm here on a night that requires a definite lack of sleep. Why do I do this to myself, you ask? Well... I didn't. I was literally moments away from falling asleep, regardless of my policy of pulling an all-nighter after a certain hour on nights preceding 8:30 classes (to prevent, y'know, sleeping through them), on the curtain of sleep--when the fire alarm sounded.
I know, right?
So I guess it's time to drop some K-bombs*.
On a small town. In Nebraska. Bitches.
...pause to set the mood:

Drugs Or Me (Styrofoam Remix) - Jimmy Eat World
Mood not in the literal sense of the lyrics... but rather to prepare you all for the levels of awesome I will be aiming for tonight.
Step 1. Pop Tarts:
Back in a sec.

...

...

Okay. I'm good to go.

Step 2. Inform you all, once again, that I don't know anything:
This comes with a series of mini-steps, I guess you could call them. Something like discovering that you're mere percentage points away from having to rethink the next three or four or five years, or the jobs you've been looking forward to your whole life are all being eliminated as a result of the recession, or that someone you live with is pregnant and that YOUR WHOLE LIFE GAINED SOME PERSPECTIVE.
Like, actually. What do I have to match up to that? Nothing. And what's more, my entire facade of being ready for the future is shrinking back into the cavernous depths of insecurity and Grades 9-11 from whence it came.
Oh shit. I might not be ready to face the future.

Step 3. Reference something you could be doing that would be a more worthwhile use of your time than reading this:
Screw it. I'll give you a whole list.
- going for a walk
- sleeping
- studying
- marking papers
- writing a resume
- playing with your dog
- planning a summer trip
- organizing your notes
- shopping
- watching Snatch, or any of the Ocean's movies.
- writing your own post
- actually doing your homework
- playing Backgammon
- learning to play Backgammon
- fishing
- defragging your computer

Step 4. Pressing 'play':
At this point, I'm just going to type. And hopefully you all understand the following, much less appreciate the following. I feel as though the things that I used to take pride in, appreciate, make special mention of, discuss, and really have a vested interest in have all sort of shrunk into the background. That is to say that, while growing up is fun, yes, losing the mentality, joys, and even laments of my youth is a totally unappreciated experience. I miss worrying about getting homework assignments done, trying not to be late for homeroom, and generally a lot of what elementary school and high school were about for me. I miss acting, I miss being able to recognize people, being recognizable, having a valued opinion. I think.
I have often wondered if the status I feel I was at was, in reality, accurate. This, ladies and gentlemen, is what we refer to as the self-concept. Your self-concept comes from where? You!
WRONG. It comes from everybody else. Of course, right? The way people react to you, treat you, and the things they expect of you determine who you are. Well, who you think you are. Which, in turn, will lead you to become that person.
That's right. Given the right amount of time, setting, people, and resources, I could make any one of you join the KKK. Twisted? You know it!



Step 5. Digestion:
All out of Pop Tarts and the desire to feign intelligent thought. Plus, the sun's coming up, so it's time to retreat to daylight me. What I want to leave you with is this: don't give up on yourself--especially nobody else has. You're not capable of surprising anyone more than yourself.

*that's "knowledge-bombs"

For Some Not-So-Subtle Stuff

Today is my 11 month anniversary. That makes me happy. Also, I haven't slept yet tonight. I'm looking forward to breakfast in little over an hour, and being done my history seminar at 10. I suppose I'll go back to bed after that. I think I like to stay up some nights because I feel as though I've taken some control over an aspect of my life--I also feel as though I will sleep after history because I really love my bed and it's so damn comfortable.
However, starting at 10, there will be a half-hour long testing of the fire alarm in my res building. Terrific.
In other news, I have discovered the gateway into a new world of remixes and mash-ups for my listening pleasure. Imagine a remix involving 50 Cent, Justin Timberlake... and Pirates of the Caribbean! Yeah, it's real.



Yeah. That's The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. Your ears aren't mistaken.
Moving on.

-A happened.

Edit//
I would like to commit to hitting up Sherwood for something new this week, as well. No guarantees--but it would be quite welcomed on my part.

The Place I Live

I have a big place in my heart for this place. I always seem to. Stuff grows on me. Places grow on me. Just like music grows on me. I suppose this is how a man can end up with an exploding heart. When I really stop and think about it, I don't think I actually could afford to have a normal-sized heart with all the places, people, things, thoughts, and feelings that have captured it. So I would propose that the compliment "you have a big heart," in some cases, isn't as much a compliment as it is an acknowledgment of just how lucky you must be. Because, let's face it, not everyone has enough in their life to warrant a big heart.
I guess that's what makes those people exceptional. The perseverance of a big heart when, by all accounts, they should have turned cynic years ago.



I wish I could live in a world where I didn't have to fetch my Kleenex box from the bathroom. I wish I didn't have to listen quietly to someone who didn't want to say a word. I wish the world was just in general a much better place to live. But there are those people out there that make it worthwhile--keep them. You'll need them.

Consider this a message from the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future. You all have places, people, things, thoughts, and feelings in your life that you should never let go of. That you may take for granted. I know I do. Acknowledge them. You need to. For you.

AWESOME

Edit//
Since some of you should be able to appreciate the artistic merit of looking like a poor internet connection on a webcam:

//
To be completely honest, coming here is in part an effort to stay awake.

Part 1: Where I Miss You.
I could be that guy. The one who picks up the pieces of some other guy's short-lived venture into monogamy. Who picks fights with the top dog for a piece of trash. I could be that guy--but I'm not. I'm the other guy.
The guy who spends his weekends in his room, putting on a fake smile for someone who won't even see him. The one everyone has to look twice at to figure out if he's just kidding, but they all secretly want to be. They want this. But they don't want to work for it. And that's where I come in. Or something. Every day is a paradox of successes and failures. The weaker I get the stronger I show myself to be. Since there's no way that comes across clearly the first time, I suppose I'll clarify. You're holding up a giant boulder and someone cuts off one of your arms, but you're still holding up that boulder. Then you're forced to show the true strength you have in that one arm. So I guess by clarifying I just meant making a metaphor.
Allow this all just to set the table. We'll create an imaginary diorama of the scenario in your minds. One where the protagonist is over all the politics, the searching, the hurt, and the bitterness. One where the protagonist can stop yelling at his God and at his walls that life just isn't fair. That he had put up with way too much to be walking around empty-handed. One where even though life has dangled some tempting options in front of his face, even to some disastrous results, he had managed to sort through all of the mistakes and diversions to catch a glimpse of what he truly wanted. Not perfection, by any means, but what could fall in love with.

Part 2: Where It's Not That Simple
While I'm sure everyone is aware, sometimes it's just worth saying.
Most importantly, you have to be willing to fight for any good thing you want in your life. Sometimes they'll be small battles; the kind you get over the second they're done. Sometimes they'll be bigger battles with mountains of casualties. Either way, you have to tighten your belt and dive right in before fear leaves you paralyzed on the sidelines--or in the path of the oncoming cavalry. And they ride fast motherfucking horses.
I don't claim to be bulletproof. I think this discussion was raised before (what discussion? I just talk to myself here); however, I still try to be. But like any shield, or dam, or phalanx, when you start to show cracks, some things are bound to slip through. So we make the corrosion of distance Enemy #1. And all you can do is hope you've got a little Hans Brinker in you somewhere. Because all it takes is one moment of you not minding that crack, and suddenly everything you love is overwhelmed by a flood of discouragement, frustration, and helplessness.
Something about this experience of completion just drives me insane. There's a reason people are afraid of having their whole lives laid out for them--frankly it's just scary shit. So we make blueprints for your future Enemy #2. I always took myself for the kind to make a long commitment. And I am that guy. But it doesn't make it any easier. Call me weak, but it definitely is a battle.

Part 3: Where It's All Worth It
In a slew of metaphors: I'm holding up that boulder with my arms and legs cut off, in the middle of the Apocalypse, with steel-reinforced, 30-foot tall Trojan horses with 600 horsepower (ironically) bearing down on me. And I'm standing here, holding my broken shield, water seeping through the dam and my lines broken saying, "Whatever it takes."

My Newest Music:
Gifted ft. Kanye West, Santogold, Lykke Li - N.A.S.A.
Bad News - Kanye West
Laundry Day (My Freeze Ray) - Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog
Sinnerman - Nina Simone
My Hero - Paramore


"I will stay here till morning."

Edit 2//
I think perhaps I'll including embedded videos in every post. Wouldn't that be fun?

For more in-depth analysis, press '2'.

One of my favourite things is when you put a pleasant mask on an unpleasant sentiment. Like a good swing on all the half beats, or something similar. But only when you genuinely feel happy. Like, "Hey, I understand that things probably can't get any better--but I'm coping just fine." Those moments are nice.

Let me say that I have considered turning this place into more of an experiment in sociological journalism, employing that damned C. Wright Mills principle on every idea that comes out of here. That idea that you are what you are, plus a whole lot more; that you can't really answer your own questions without answering someone else's questions (which I think we've all learned to be truer than we like, or great). It's called the 'Sociological Imagination', and it was the reason I did horribly on my sociology exam*. To sum it up in a few short words, it implores you to look your personal troubles and see how they connect to the greater issues of society. Or in a different few words, WHY THE FUCK SHIT IS HAPPENING AND GETTING YOUR SELF-CENTERED HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS.
That was reminiscent of what my notes for all five courses looked like by the end of the semester.

I feel as though sometimes this whole cultural romance with introspection is another mild/moderate recession in my life. I'm bound by some sort of inner-voice in the form of my T.A. to refrain from saying "in society" or anything of the sort. Don't tell him, but it's implied. However, I would agree that we tend to make an excessive number of generalizations about society these days. See? IT CAN'T BE STOPPED!
That was reminiscent of what my part-love/part-horror/part-film-noir movie script would look like.

So as my level of intelligence drops rapidly over the next few months, I will attempt to get as much out of my average-sized brain. I hope in all sincerity that what comes out is less self-involved than what has in the past, but I'll admit that these things can't always be stopped. Evidently, that's what has kept me on my feet for five years--but who's really keeping score?

This whole thing felt like a incohesive jumble of words. Aw, poo.

In the past I would have killed to be somebody of significance, but I guess I'm all right being second- or even third-string. As long as the people of significance use it right.
Which isn't to say that I would. So maybe this is for the best?

*Not actually true. In fact, the essay on the C. Wright Mills at the end of the exam may be the thing that saves my mark.

A Hero on a White Horse

What really struck me today is that the world is a really, really big place. I have no idea what ever gave me the idea that I should throw everything away and run after a dream--or that I could possibly create some sort of change. Yes, one person can make a difference, but there are 6.6 billion people who can't do jack shit. And that is a very daunting realization. Maybe some things just are unattainable. It doesn't exactly make you a failure at life if you can't become a world-famous actor or one of the Forbes 400. Let's face it, only 400 people make the Forbes 400. That doesn't exactly leave a huge margin for error.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm lowering my expectations. As if university wasn't itself a big enough indicator of that, already. Either way, I suppose the child in me has started to die in a way it never had before. I can't remember exactly when it was that I gave up on my dream of becoming an actor, or an author, or a magician, or a cowboy, but I can't see myself actively pursuing those things.
FAMILY KILLED MY AMBITIONS.
What a horrible thing to say.

Considering family might be the only thing I'll have left somewhere down the line. Family and the general sense that I either accomplished something or accomplished nothing. That being said, I'm fairly willing to go out on a limb and state, on record, that if I have kids (especially if I don't ruin them)--I'll definitely feel like I've accomplished something. That right there is something I can willingly resign myself to. The fact that I most certainly will hang my cap on my kids. It'll help to have an unbelievable support team and the world's greatest partner, of course.

Look at me, regressing into life planning again.

What really struck me just there is that forever is a really, really long time. I think more people toss that word around without understanding it than "love". I bet. Of course, it really helps "love's" chances when "forever" is almost always accompanied with a good ol' "I'll love you--".
Perhaps I put my money on the wrong sentiment.
OH, THE IRONY!

As a culture, I think we have less of an obsession with love than we have an obsession with words. Pretty words, fat words, precise words, relatively meaningless words, excessive words, dark words, effective words. But predominately we love words that we don't understand. But, dare I say it, I would boldly use at least three or four of those words in one sentence. But then again, I've always been a little bit unbalanced.
I would discourage any sort of imitation.
Please, SIGN THE WAIVERS.

I wish you could sign a waiver for your own life. But maybe responsibility for our actions is what allows us to exist in a society. I miss my familiar society. Life is so big. Forever is so long.

I'm scared.
I miss high school.

//Edit:
I just thought you may all be interested to know that I have a list of people who I will be keeping an eye on because I'm 100% positive that knowing them will be something I can tell my kids about.

Bitch, gimme back my couch!

I haven't slept yet today. So thank God I slept in past noon on Thursday. Let's see if I can make it through the day. It's going to be breakfast soon--so I'll keep this brief.
Things always look brighter in the sunlight.
Clear always seems clearer in high-definition.
Soft always looks softer when you haven't slept.

Thank God for Television.

P.S. the link is cooler, this time.