Because I was borderline inept when it came to writing this, it took a long time. Throughout this time, a lot of things I wanted to write never showed up and a lot of things I wanted to reference settled and I felt like it was best to let them lie. Know this is incomplete and know that I haven't expressed everything about these topics as I have to say. And know that that is probably for the best.
Yes I'm reusing that. I feel like it's allowed.
The following presentation is a product of many days, spanning from August 6th to September 29th, about the events from 2004 to 2010.
At it again.
I'm trying not to come in with any sort of self-inflicted pressure for this to be awe-dropping. I am just trying to bring the fun back. So let's get right into it. Yeah? Yeah.
It feels kind of like 2007 or something. Maybe 2008. Like someone bumped the power cord on my brain before I could save the '08/'09/'10 files. And you know exactly how it works. You diligently save and save and over-save your document so much that you lose all semblance of a flow amongst the Ctrl+S. And then things go well. You hit your stride; the words just pour out onto the pages and you make sense of God and the world and television and the molecular and chemical neuropharmacology of dopamine receptor types. And it's in that moment, when you're streamlining every thought straight onto the screen, that your computer crashes. You lose all the progress you just tapped into.
And that's what this is. I hit my stride, found my way, and then lost my work. And that leaves me with some shoddy, spasmodic attempt at coherence. That's my reference; that's what I have to work with
Aw, shit. Ctrl+S.
I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I don't know where my keyboards are.
Ctrl+S.
I asked my friend a question recently that I realized I only asked because I was hoping they'd ask me back. Sometimes I don't want to be the person that I am. Sometimes I wish I had the wherewithal to say the things I'm thinking. To not be the kind of person that holds their tongue. Kick someone when they're down. Because sometimes they deserved it. And it's all you can do to keep from keeping quiet. There are moments where I wish I had to fight back the urge to say something rather than having to force myself to vent to a wall days later.
Consider this a personal benevolence. A sort of benevolengence. And it's a trait that we passive-aggressive few are sorely lacking in. We get the crap beat out of us by someone only to turn around and kick the shit out of ourselves. And of my options of dropping me, you, or some bystander, I feel only two of those have any merit. And frankly, sometimes I'm sick of people getting off scot free.
And since I'm not very good at just letting something this big drop, it hangs around above my head for ages and ages.
Ctrl +S.
The question: If there was one person in your life you could go back and call an asshole to their face, who would it be?
Ctrl + S.
There are a lot of things that I really miss right now. Near the top of that list is simplicity. I know too much right now. I know too many people and I don't know enough people. I know where I could be, where I could have been, and how I got to where I am. I know that I am only where I am now by the collection of individual minutes and seconds in their precise order. I know that growing up in a place like I did, that Door Number One and Door Number Eighty-Four are about two minutes apart. Because it only takes a few seconds here or there to completely change the interpretation of what you're trying to say.
You all have used MSN in high school. You've all been there. You all know what I mean.
It must be the way that I can hear you say this now
Don't be afraid, just know that I'll be with you somehow
All of your cries, soon they will drown in my lullabies
Just close your eyes, just close your eyes
Lullaby - All Star United
I don't care that I haven't saved this, because if everything crashes again, I don't want to have to fall back on this point anymore. I'm done with this part. So I'll put it down on paper one more time, and then pray that I can find my way to the other side before anyone trips over the plug. Here goes everything. With any luck, I'll see you all on the other side.
Fuck it. I'm good, though. That's the new way. I'm going to popularize it--back to my trendsetting ways, guys. A new attitude; a new "Go get it." I'm going to be okay. I'm above all of that. Or, rather, whether I'm above it or not, I understand that it doesn't have to hold any weight. I am ultimately in control of the way I feel about things, and that's for the best.
All of this victimization I subjected myself to throughout a lot of high school, I subjected myself to. Of course it seems like a bigger deal than it is/was. That's the nature of adolescence: things seem like a bigger deal than they are, and (because of how our brains are running at the time) they will continue to be a big deal. For much longer than you think is appropriate or allowable.
But that's okay. They were emotionally unstable, painstaking, finger-pointing, dramatic, memory forming, long, excessive, logic defying, inexplicable, happy years. And that's how I'll remember them. Happy. I went through them and so did you. Unfortunately, I've been carrying them around with me for much too long. They are gone. I am not and the people are not, but the years are gone. So it's time for me to grow up--or grow past them. No more retroactive blame-shifting. Who was responsible for what happened then is irrelevant. I was responsible for how I interpreted it, responded to it, and how I carried it. And now I'm responsible for what happens next. Not anyone else. So let's get to it.
I'm back, bitch.
Tell your friends. Ctrl+S.
I still got it for ya.
1 comments:
:)-> just sayin.
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