In Memoriam of an Auditorium

I'm only sleeping

2011-04-06T01:26:00.004-05:00

I'm on the clock. Medicated, or something. Here I go, though, attempting to crank out as many impressive metaphors and fancy phrases on my life as I can before the sleeping pills really take over. You owe me for this. I am an entertainer and here is my greatest show. You are a viewer and here will be your greatest pleasure.

Enjoy.

Evolution from Danny Cooke on Vimeo.

Call me a hipster, long as you're a listener.

It's the diabolical nature of this relationship. You want a good performance, and I want you to be there in the audience, so that when the lights come up, I'm not left with an eerie empty feeling. Not disappointment--more like drive to be more of an attraction. I'm an attraction, right? That's what I was always told. But really, I never listened to them anyway. Self-reliant and self-sufficient. Toss in some self-deprecation and some self-esteem and it's a social serial killer. Except I don't have a type.

Or I do.

Jamais Vu! from Evan Seitz on Vimeo.

Always copied, never emulated.

I run on subtlety, suave, and serenity. It hurts when a guy's all, "Hey, babe. You look good and kinda smart reading that textbook. Oh, what's that? GEOL 217? Hey, I'M IN THAT CLASS TOO. Maybe you could come over, write my paper, sleep with me, and make me breakfast in the morning." Come on, buddy. Nobody in geology has sex. We know you're bluffing.

The guy next to me in my exam was breathing so loudly throughout the three hours. It got under my skin after about 12 minutes. So I wrote me a half-assed fourth essay and left for the bar.

The part where the story looks like it's going to take a turn for the worst. But instead, I end up back home with a glass of milk, medicated, and drifting out of editing levels.

Fading.

The beginning to a beginning.

2010-10-25T13:00:00.001-05:00

I feel like it's over here, for the most part. This chapter is closing and there's only room for a few more hacked out notes or messages. And I'm okay with that. I'm not ready to say this is over and bury it for real, but I am ready to open a new segment of my life and open a new segment of my life up to everyone. Something a little more honest and a little more obvious.

I can't promise the metaphors will disappear, but I can promise to try and make this more approachable, more viewer friendly, and certainly more interactive. I want this to be about more than just me; I want this to be about us, and figure out how far we can get together. See what we can uncover if we're all digging in the same spot, instead of shoveling the dirt from our respective holes right back into each others.

Really, I just want to make this fun again.

I mean, it's time to be honest. I'm not just well past ten anymore. And it's time to accept the responsibility that accompanies this new stages of our lives. Less hiding out behind the words and believing that all the important work in life will happen later.

So this is it. Dig out your motherfucking passwords and get ready for the experience.

Check out allofthelights. A community blog. A foray into a world of group dialogue which I in no way expect to start out with any sort of bang or enthusiasm. I do, however, invite you all to join me in dropping the charade and giving this whole thing another go. A brand new start with a fresh outlook. Maybe you haven't been like me and don't find anything childish or archaic about how you used to write, but maybe you have and you do. In any case, consider this the proverbial extended hand.

The idea behind this blog was just to wade through all the bullshit we all put in our stuff. Everything's encrypted these days, and we all grew tired of, well, not having a damn clue what we were saying to each other. I just want to have something concrete. A place for legitimate discussion of the opinions I grew to respect and admire you all for. It's not going to be my 2AM dumping ground. I'll leave this place up for that.

They say your attitude determines your latitude

2010-09-29T14:02:00.000-05:00

Author's Note:
Because I was borderline inept when it came to writing this, it took a long time. Throughout this time, a lot of things I wanted to write never showed up and a lot of things I wanted to reference settled and I felt like it was best to let them lie. Know this is incomplete and know that I haven't expressed everything about these topics as I have to say. And know that that is probably for the best.

Yes I'm reusing that. I feel like it's allowed.

The following presentation is a product of many days, spanning from August 6th to September 29th, about the events from 2004 to 2010.

At it again.

I'm trying not to come in with any sort of self-inflicted pressure for this to be awe-dropping. I am just trying to bring the fun back. So let's get right into it. Yeah? Yeah.

It feels kind of like 2007 or something. Maybe 2008. Like someone bumped the power cord on my brain before I could save the '08/'09/'10 files. And you know exactly how it works. You diligently save and save and over-save your document so much that you lose all semblance of a flow amongst the Ctrl+S. And then things go well. You hit your stride; the words just pour out onto the pages and you make sense of God and the world and television and the molecular and chemical neuropharmacology of dopamine receptor types. And it's in that moment, when you're streamlining every thought straight onto the screen, that your computer crashes. You lose all the progress you just tapped into.

And that's what this is. I hit my stride, found my way, and then lost my work. And that leaves me with some shoddy, spasmodic attempt at coherence. That's my reference; that's what I have to work with

Aw, shit. Ctrl+S.

I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I don't know where my keyboards are.

Ctrl+S.

I asked my friend a question recently that I realized I only asked because I was hoping they'd ask me back. Sometimes I don't want to be the person that I am. Sometimes I wish I had the wherewithal to say the things I'm thinking. To not be the kind of person that holds their tongue. Kick someone when they're down. Because sometimes they deserved it. And it's all you can do to keep from keeping quiet. There are moments where I wish I had to fight back the urge to say something rather than having to force myself to vent to a wall days later.

Consider this a personal benevolence. A sort of benevolengence. And it's a trait that we passive-aggressive few are sorely lacking in. We get the crap beat out of us by someone only to turn around and kick the shit out of ourselves. And of my options of dropping me, you, or some bystander, I feel only two of those have any merit. And frankly, sometimes I'm sick of people getting off scot free.

And since I'm not very good at just letting something this big drop, it hangs around above my head for ages and ages.

Ctrl +S.

The question: If there was one person in your life you could go back and call an asshole to their face, who would it be?

Ctrl + S.

There are a lot of things that I really miss right now. Near the top of that list is simplicity. I know too much right now. I know too many people and I don't know enough people. I know where I could be, where I could have been, and how I got to where I am. I know that I am only where I am now by the collection of individual minutes and seconds in their precise order. I know that growing up in a place like I did, that Door Number One and Door Number Eighty-Four are about two minutes apart. Because it only takes a few seconds here or there to completely change the interpretation of what you're trying to say.

You all have used MSN in high school. You've all been there. You all know what I mean.

It must be the way that I can hear you say this now
Don't be afraid, just know that I'll be with you somehow
All of your cries, soon they will drown in my lullabies
Just close your eyes, just close your eyes
Lullaby - All Star United

I don't care that I haven't saved this, because if everything crashes again, I don't want to have to fall back on this point anymore. I'm done with this part. So I'll put it down on paper one more time, and then pray that I can find my way to the other side before anyone trips over the plug. Here goes everything. With any luck, I'll see you all on the other side.

Fuck it. I'm good, though. That's the new way. I'm going to popularize it--back to my trendsetting ways, guys. A new attitude; a new "Go get it." I'm going to be okay. I'm above all of that. Or, rather, whether I'm above it or not, I understand that it doesn't have to hold any weight. I am ultimately in control of the way I feel about things, and that's for the best.

All of this victimization I subjected myself to throughout a lot of high school, I subjected myself to. Of course it seems like a bigger deal than it is/was. That's the nature of adolescence: things seem like a bigger deal than they are, and (because of how our brains are running at the time) they will continue to be a big deal. For much longer than you think is appropriate or allowable.

But that's okay. They were emotionally unstable, painstaking, finger-pointing, dramatic, memory forming, long, excessive, logic defying, inexplicable, happy years. And that's how I'll remember them. Happy. I went through them and so did you. Unfortunately, I've been carrying them around with me for much too long. They are gone. I am not and the people are not, but the years are gone. So it's time for me to grow up--or grow past them. No more retroactive blame-shifting. Who was responsible for what happened then is irrelevant. I was responsible for how I interpreted it, responded to it, and how I carried it. And now I'm responsible for what happens next. Not anyone else. So let's get to it.

I'm back, bitch.
Tell your friends. Ctrl+S.

I still got it for ya.

I Got 99 Problems

2010-01-26T02:00:00.005-05:00

In an effort to maintain a level of honesty when I tell people that I'm handling everything just fine, I turn to you. You, oh ever-weary reader. You are the light at the end of the tunnel, the oasis in the desert, the nap after a Monday morning of class.

Let's stay cutting edge.

Cracker Bag from Glendyn Ivin on Vimeo.

I've been ranting a lot today, and I'm not really a fan of myself for it. To be honest, I've been doing some reflecting to boot. I'm nearly twenty and have yet break out into some full-fledged Adlerian self-realization. I'm not yet the "optimal me". But what's most unsettling is that I don't even know which direction I'd go from here to find it. To be honest, I think I need to back up a few turns in the maze to get back on track. I have all these ideas of what I don't like to see in people, and I can point it out in an instant when I see it. Probably because I've had practice. I've seen it a lot. However, I can't for the life of me point out the positive things I see in myself that I can build on or I can rely on to make myself superior (in the Adlerian sense).
Meanwhile, I'm making some sort of record mark in futility and, more appropriately, what will henceforth be referred to as "humanitarianism". Perhaps an inappropriate term, given the recent international circumstances. But when was it ever going to calm down enough for it to be less unpalatable? I digress.
I believe the point I am trying to make is that I am once again going to be taking back my life for me. Sympathies will be doled out in handfuls, where they once came in spades. Words will be toned down, where they once ran like a symphony. And emotions be damned--I'll block up that river. Consider this my attempt at a much more objective outlook on the lives of others. Because sometimes it takes too much to try and find the faded lines people walk between for them. And tougher still to guide them back from the dead ends and toward the goal.

"This is history in the making
So shut the fuck up and let me make it"

I think all the pathways are what confuse me. I'm never sure which is the wisest, quickest, or safest. I feel pressure to be this persona (man, just RECYCLING that lecture). And I admit that it's not always a bad thing; sometimes that persona is exactly who I want to be in certain scenarios. But it would be too painful and difficult to carry out that lifestyle every minute of every day--so I won't try anymore. So, what do you do when you don't know how to get through that maze?
Well. You start where you want to be--at the end--and then you work your way back from there.

Give to Caesar what is Caesars, and to grammar what is left of your dignity

2009-12-03T05:13:00.007-05:00

Out of bed, after three hours of futility. No, that's not a sex joke, I'm trying to fall asleep.
And failing miserably.

Discovered this before heading off to bed. It's over 11 minutes, so don't feel obliged to watch it if you're not so inclined. Spike Jonze hooks up with Kanye West again, and it's actually pretty impressive. I really liked the first six minutes, or so. After that it isn't as great--but still, Spike Jonze is Spike Jonze.

So the best thing about having seen every episode of Friends? You can just pick up anywhere you want. Not like you're spoiling anything. Just grab a season off your shelf and hit it up. But seriously, that's not what this is about. I can't sleep, or something. It's like I'm not good at it, or I haven't prepared for it properly. I don't understand it. I'd love to be able to put a finger on it.

Just like I'd love to be able to put a finger on whatever it is I'm picturing at night. It's like there's an image that I can't actually see. An engraving that I can only run my eyes over to feel the bumps and curves. I don't even know what it's about. Everything is just a guess; I'm grasping at straws.

This is my cactus, Jupiter. Right now he's chillin' at home. Thanks to Mom and Dad for taking care of him while I'm across the province educatin', overratin', and proliferatin'. Since you're reading anyway.

//

Two nights later//

Here I am again. 4:55 in the morning, sitting in a chair rather than lying in bed. Perhaps I should just give in--become nocturnal. Unfortunately, my exam schedule is unflinching and, by God, it would be pretty hard to write all of my 9:00AM exams while asleep in bed. Then again, maybe I'll have a better shot asleep than I will awake. Perhaps I'll just have someone cart me in to the exam room while I'm asleep and place a pencil in my hand. Perhaps...
Hey wait. That reminds me of something.

Oh right, how about everything I've ever written here after 2AM?
But how about some summer?
Okay.

Recently I've been reminded how important it is to be aware of the fickleness of life. I mean, honestly, you're here one day and the next... well, you're still here. But it won't be like that forever! It's irrelevant, though, because what I really want to talk about is how abruptly you can lose someone, without warning. And, in classic Me fashion, I mean that in all senses of the word. Whether they pass away, run away, move away, or you throw them away. Life is mercurial. Don't let that get the best of you. Sure it may surprise you, but don't let it leave you with regret.
Some things need to be said. Too often we find ourselves in a position of putting those things off. Day after day. I would be remorse if I let you leave without beating this down your throat, shoving you over the head with it. So once again, I implore you--beg you to think about this.
And I know I've said practically identical words in this very place before. They say when something is repeated, it must be important. Allow me to say that when something is repeated, maybe you should have listened the first time.

Phoenix - 1901 - A Take Away Show from La Blogotheque on Vimeo.

All this aside, allow me to digress.
For the first time in years, the reason I am up this late is because someone came to me with good news.
It's been too long. And THAT needs to be said.

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face

2009-11-11T22:58:00.004-05:00

31 | the sunrise project from JJ Starr on Vimeo.

KA-BAM
And I'm back.

Once again, I'll be bringing your way some of the things that you value most--and some of the things that you could really care less about. But enough chit-chat. Let's get down to business. The business of you shutting up and listening. I don't do this very much anymore, and I like to think it's with good cause. I really don't like showing up with nothing to offer. That is, I don't like writing for half a page, keeping you all around in hopes that I'll say something worthwhile, if it's not going to happen. It's not that you don't care what I'm up to and wouldn't be interested in a cut and dry rehashing of all the things I've been up to, it's that I really don't want to be that guy. I'd much rather do my best to say something relevant and see if I can talk about something, I don't know, other than myself. On an ultimate scale, that is.

Maybe I should rephrase that. It's not that I don't like talking about myself. It's that I don't like talking about actual events. I'm much more hypothetical, I guess.

I spend most of my time these days on edge. In a constant state of cynicism, questioning what's going on as a product of some bizarre concoction of events. I overthink, underthink, and ignore all at the same time. And then sometimes I just don't care anymore. I have limits, I guess. I like to think that on some level I will always have that unconditional ability--but when my conscious, controlled thinking kicks in... then I have limits. Which is to say that sometimes and in some cases, I have chosen to have limits. It's not necessarily an indication of the person or the situation, but perhaps they have just worn out their welcome.
I suppose you'd all be proud of me--four years later and I've finally started calling the shots. Except now we're looking at a doomsday clock. Which is to say that somebody should have done this sooner. Namely me.

Atelic from duckeyejey on Vimeo.

I find that when I really need something, I always manage to come up with it. I think it's a general rule, actually. Something subconscious about it. We know that we need this, and need it bad, so we say "Screw the pain," and step in front of the buses ourselves. That extra bit of effort seems to always push us over the top. I'm always surprised and how people seem to pull off remarkably improbable feats when they just NEED them. That says something about character, I think. That resolve, that drive. The desire to be someone who just won't be beaten. So that's what this is. Now I'm saying I won't be beaten.

Ramona Falls "I Say Fever" from Barsuk Records on Vimeo.

But don't you leave me hanging.

Back With More

2009-09-15T22:47:00.003-05:00

SCRIBE MUNDO DE PAPEL from ladies on Vimeo.

I'm back with an unshakable feeling of efficacy. This is me, just basking in what's sitting out there. Anyone feeling hopeful? Yeah, well you should be.

This isn't because I've had any streak of kick-assery (look it up), or anything. This is because I've decided everything else just wasn't worth it (more on that later). So what would you like, tonight? A list of songs to turn your awesome on? A check up on what's really worth paying attention to? Some sort of half-assed reference to what school is all about now? Excessive use of a sentence/paragraph pattern? ALL YES.

But this time we make you work for it.

Pursuit of Happiness - Kid CuDi ft. MGMT & Ratatat

All my time right now is divided in some manner or other between
a) reading my textbooks
b) attending class
c) buying groceries
d) wishing I had more time for about 65% of the people in my life
e) planning how best to stay warm in the winter
and frankly, I'm sort of fine with that. Like I said, I just don't want to waste my time on details that aren't important. Why? Because I don't have the time. Somehow, in this whole paradoxical shimmey-shake, I entrenched myself so quickly that I don't even have the time to successfully reorganize or prioritize my schedule. That's right: I'm cutting it so close I don't have time to figure out how to stop cutting corners. It could have something to do with all five of my courses basically spending two weeks rehashing Grade 12 Data Management--each with their own sets of different (read: incompatible) definitions for the same terminology.

Never Better - P.O.S.
Oxford Comma - Vampire Weekend

TV is awesome. You should all be up to speed--or pursuing said speed--on the following:
How I Met Your Mother
The Office
NCIS
Family Guy
and if you aren't, well, that's your prerogative (read: SHAME ON YOU). But I ask you, have I ever steered you wrong?

Rome - Phoenix
Supernova - Mr. Hudson ft. Kanye West

I'm all jumbled up, because I can't decide what exactly to do with my studies. I made a big step by throwing myself headlong at psychology. I also made a big commitment. That's a lot of time I'll be investing--so I'd better know what I want. So far, the list is at:
a) clinical psychologist
b) marketing
c) professor
d) social psychology
e) snappy dresser
and those are all pretty enticing. But of course, I just realized I could be a snappy dresser for ALL of those jobs. INCLUDING snappy dresser. I attribute that epiphany to 35% of the norepinephrine flowing in my body right now. The remainder you guys can just divvy amongst yourselves. Debate and debacle.
...Totally not related.

Heartbeats - Jose Gonzalez (The Knife cover)
Young Forever - Jay-Z ft. Mr. Hudson

While we're on the topic of unrelated (like synapses weren't enough), I think everyone should take a course in psychology at least once in their university studies. Puts a lot of stuff into perspective. Of course, you'll end up a little more like me--second-guessing every attribution you make, developing a paper phobia you yourself can not only identify, but also chastise yourself for labeling as a phobia, with a poster over your desk with "F.A.E." written in block letters. But, aw man, it's fun. I'm supposed to be performing some sort of experiment on myself later this year which will probably involve both operant and classical conditioning on some sort of semi-sub-unconscious. Maybe that's all just a ruse and you're the one I'm really conditioning. Hey, I just did it to you again. Sorry, I'll stop.

Sorry.

I'm stalling. Hopefully I'll have something awesome to throw on the end here to leave you with. Also, I hope to figure out how I got purple ink all over my clothes at work. Oh, hey, I got it.

blue roses - "doubtful comforts" (3D camera shift musicvideo) from fabian röttger on Vimeo.

Evidently I've Got More

2009-03-20T04:02:00.005-05:00

As per usual, I'm here on a night that requires a definite lack of sleep. Why do I do this to myself, you ask? Well... I didn't. I was literally moments away from falling asleep, regardless of my policy of pulling an all-nighter after a certain hour on nights preceding 8:30 classes (to prevent, y'know, sleeping through them), on the curtain of sleep--when the fire alarm sounded.
I know, right?
So I guess it's time to drop some K-bombs*.
On a small town. In Nebraska. Bitches.
...pause to set the mood:

Drugs Or Me (Styrofoam Remix) - Jimmy Eat World
Mood not in the literal sense of the lyrics... but rather to prepare you all for the levels of awesome I will be aiming for tonight.
Step 1. Pop Tarts:
Back in a sec.

...

...

Okay. I'm good to go.

Step 2. Inform you all, once again, that I don't know anything:
This comes with a series of mini-steps, I guess you could call them. Something like discovering that you're mere percentage points away from having to rethink the next three or four or five years, or the jobs you've been looking forward to your whole life are all being eliminated as a result of the recession, or that someone you live with is pregnant and that YOUR WHOLE LIFE GAINED SOME PERSPECTIVE.
Like, actually. What do I have to match up to that? Nothing. And what's more, my entire facade of being ready for the future is shrinking back into the cavernous depths of insecurity and Grades 9-11 from whence it came.
Oh shit. I might not be ready to face the future.

Step 3. Reference something you could be doing that would be a more worthwhile use of your time than reading this:
Screw it. I'll give you a whole list.
- going for a walk
- sleeping
- studying
- marking papers
- writing a resume
- playing with your dog
- planning a summer trip
- organizing your notes
- shopping
- watching Snatch, or any of the Ocean's movies.
- writing your own post
- actually doing your homework
- playing Backgammon
- learning to play Backgammon
- fishing
- defragging your computer

Step 4. Pressing 'play':
At this point, I'm just going to type. And hopefully you all understand the following, much less appreciate the following. I feel as though the things that I used to take pride in, appreciate, make special mention of, discuss, and really have a vested interest in have all sort of shrunk into the background. That is to say that, while growing up is fun, yes, losing the mentality, joys, and even laments of my youth is a totally unappreciated experience. I miss worrying about getting homework assignments done, trying not to be late for homeroom, and generally a lot of what elementary school and high school were about for me. I miss acting, I miss being able to recognize people, being recognizable, having a valued opinion. I think.
I have often wondered if the status I feel I was at was, in reality, accurate. This, ladies and gentlemen, is what we refer to as the self-concept. Your self-concept comes from where? You!
WRONG. It comes from everybody else. Of course, right? The way people react to you, treat you, and the things they expect of you determine who you are. Well, who you think you are. Which, in turn, will lead you to become that person.
That's right. Given the right amount of time, setting, people, and resources, I could make any one of you join the KKK. Twisted? You know it!

Step 5. Digestion:
All out of Pop Tarts and the desire to feign intelligent thought. Plus, the sun's coming up, so it's time to retreat to daylight me. What I want to leave you with is this: don't give up on yourself--especially nobody else has. You're not capable of surprising anyone more than yourself.

*that's "knowledge-bombs"

For Some Not-So-Subtle Stuff

2009-03-11T05:47:00.005-05:00

Today is my 11 month anniversary. That makes me happy. Also, I haven't slept yet tonight. I'm looking forward to breakfast in little over an hour, and being done my history seminar at 10. I suppose I'll go back to bed after that. I think I like to stay up some nights because I feel as though I've taken some control over an aspect of my life--I also feel as though I will sleep after history because I really love my bed and it's so damn comfortable.
However, starting at 10, there will be a half-hour long testing of the fire alarm in my res building. Terrific.
In other news, I have discovered the gateway into a new world of remixes and mash-ups for my listening pleasure. Imagine a remix involving 50 Cent, Justin Timberlake... and Pirates of the Caribbean! Yeah, it's real.

Yeah. That's The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. Your ears aren't mistaken.
Moving on.

-A happened.

Edit//
I would like to commit to hitting up Sherwood for something new this week, as well. No guarantees--but it would be quite welcomed on my part.

The Place I Live

2009-03-06T04:01:00.003-05:00

I have a big place in my heart for this place. I always seem to. Stuff grows on me. Places grow on me. Just like music grows on me. I suppose this is how a man can end up with an exploding heart. When I really stop and think about it, I don't think I actually could afford to have a normal-sized heart with all the places, people, things, thoughts, and feelings that have captured it. So I would propose that the compliment "you have a big heart," in some cases, isn't as much a compliment as it is an acknowledgment of just how lucky you must be. Because, let's face it, not everyone has enough in their life to warrant a big heart.
I guess that's what makes those people exceptional. The perseverance of a big heart when, by all accounts, they should have turned cynic years ago.

I wish I could live in a world where I didn't have to fetch my Kleenex box from the bathroom. I wish I didn't have to listen quietly to someone who didn't want to say a word. I wish the world was just in general a much better place to live. But there are those people out there that make it worthwhile--keep them. You'll need them.

Consider this a message from the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future. You all have places, people, things, thoughts, and feelings in your life that you should never let go of. That you may take for granted. I know I do. Acknowledge them. You need to. For you.

AWESOME

2009-02-12T05:44:00.006-05:00

Edit//
Since some of you should be able to appreciate the artistic merit of looking like a poor internet connection on a webcam:

//
To be completely honest, coming here is in part an effort to stay awake.

Part 1: Where I Miss You.
I could be that guy. The one who picks up the pieces of some other guy's short-lived venture into monogamy. Who picks fights with the top dog for a piece of trash. I could be that guy--but I'm not. I'm the other guy.
The guy who spends his weekends in his room, putting on a fake smile for someone who won't even see him. The one everyone has to look twice at to figure out if he's just kidding, but they all secretly want to be. They want this. But they don't want to work for it. And that's where I come in. Or something. Every day is a paradox of successes and failures. The weaker I get the stronger I show myself to be. Since there's no way that comes across clearly the first time, I suppose I'll clarify. You're holding up a giant boulder and someone cuts off one of your arms, but you're still holding up that boulder. Then you're forced to show the true strength you have in that one arm. So I guess by clarifying I just meant making a metaphor.
Allow this all just to set the table. We'll create an imaginary diorama of the scenario in your minds. One where the protagonist is over all the politics, the searching, the hurt, and the bitterness. One where the protagonist can stop yelling at his God and at his walls that life just isn't fair. That he had put up with way too much to be walking around empty-handed. One where even though life has dangled some tempting options in front of his face, even to some disastrous results, he had managed to sort through all of the mistakes and diversions to catch a glimpse of what he truly wanted. Not perfection, by any means, but what could fall in love with.

Part 2: Where It's Not That Simple
While I'm sure everyone is aware, sometimes it's just worth saying.
Most importantly, you have to be willing to fight for any good thing you want in your life. Sometimes they'll be small battles; the kind you get over the second they're done. Sometimes they'll be bigger battles with mountains of casualties. Either way, you have to tighten your belt and dive right in before fear leaves you paralyzed on the sidelines--or in the path of the oncoming cavalry. And they ride fast motherfucking horses.
I don't claim to be bulletproof. I think this discussion was raised before (what discussion? I just talk to myself here); however, I still try to be. But like any shield, or dam, or phalanx, when you start to show cracks, some things are bound to slip through. So we make the corrosion of distance Enemy #1. And all you can do is hope you've got a little Hans Brinker in you somewhere. Because all it takes is one moment of you not minding that crack, and suddenly everything you love is overwhelmed by a flood of discouragement, frustration, and helplessness.
Something about this experience of completion just drives me insane. There's a reason people are afraid of having their whole lives laid out for them--frankly it's just scary shit. So we make blueprints for your future Enemy #2. I always took myself for the kind to make a long commitment. And I am that guy. But it doesn't make it any easier. Call me weak, but it definitely is a battle.

Part 3: Where It's All Worth It
In a slew of metaphors: I'm holding up that boulder with my arms and legs cut off, in the middle of the Apocalypse, with steel-reinforced, 30-foot tall Trojan horses with 600 horsepower (ironically) bearing down on me. And I'm standing here, holding my broken shield, water seeping through the dam and my lines broken saying, "Whatever it takes."

My Newest Music:
Gifted ft. Kanye West, Santogold, Lykke Li - N.A.S.A.
Bad News - Kanye West
Laundry Day (My Freeze Ray) - Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog
Sinnerman - Nina Simone
My Hero - Paramore

"I will stay here till morning."

Edit 2//
I think perhaps I'll including embedded videos in every post. Wouldn't that be fun?

For more in-depth analysis, press '2'.

2008-12-19T01:24:00.004-05:00

One of my favourite things is when you put a pleasant mask on an unpleasant sentiment. Like a good swing on all the half beats, or something similar. But only when you genuinely feel happy. Like, "Hey, I understand that things probably can't get any better--but I'm coping just fine." Those moments are nice.

Let me say that I have considered turning this place into more of an experiment in sociological journalism, employing that damned C. Wright Mills principle on every idea that comes out of here. That idea that you are what you are, plus a whole lot more; that you can't really answer your own questions without answering someone else's questions (which I think we've all learned to be truer than we like, or great). It's called the 'Sociological Imagination', and it was the reason I did horribly on my sociology exam*. To sum it up in a few short words, it implores you to look your personal troubles and see how they connect to the greater issues of society. Or in a different few words, WHY THE FUCK SHIT IS HAPPENING AND GETTING YOUR SELF-CENTERED HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS.
That was reminiscent of what my notes for all five courses looked like by the end of the semester.

I feel as though sometimes this whole cultural romance with introspection is another mild/moderate recession in my life. I'm bound by some sort of inner-voice in the form of my T.A. to refrain from saying "in society" or anything of the sort. Don't tell him, but it's implied. However, I would agree that we tend to make an excessive number of generalizations about society these days. See? IT CAN'T BE STOPPED!
That was reminiscent of what my part-love/part-horror/part-film-noir movie script would look like.

So as my level of intelligence drops rapidly over the next few months, I will attempt to get as much out of my average-sized brain. I hope in all sincerity that what comes out is less self-involved than what has in the past, but I'll admit that these things can't always be stopped. Evidently, that's what has kept me on my feet for five years--but who's really keeping score?

This whole thing felt like a incohesive jumble of words. Aw, poo.

In the past I would have killed to be somebody of significance, but I guess I'm all right being second- or even third-string. As long as the people of significance use it right.
Which isn't to say that I would. So maybe this is for the best?

*Not actually true. In fact, the essay on the C. Wright Mills at the end of the exam may be the thing that saves my mark.

A Hero on a White Horse

2008-12-11T03:42:00.003-05:00

What really struck me today is that the world is a really, really big place. I have no idea what ever gave me the idea that I should throw everything away and run after a dream--or that I could possibly create some sort of change. Yes, one person can make a difference, but there are 6.6 billion people who can't do jack shit. And that is a very daunting realization. Maybe some things just are unattainable. It doesn't exactly make you a failure at life if you can't become a world-famous actor or one of the Forbes 400. Let's face it, only 400 people make the Forbes 400. That doesn't exactly leave a huge margin for error.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm lowering my expectations. As if university wasn't itself a big enough indicator of that, already. Either way, I suppose the child in me has started to die in a way it never had before. I can't remember exactly when it was that I gave up on my dream of becoming an actor, or an author, or a magician, or a cowboy, but I can't see myself actively pursuing those things.
FAMILY KILLED MY AMBITIONS.
What a horrible thing to say.

Considering family might be the only thing I'll have left somewhere down the line. Family and the general sense that I either accomplished something or accomplished nothing. That being said, I'm fairly willing to go out on a limb and state, on record, that if I have kids (especially if I don't ruin them)--I'll definitely feel like I've accomplished something. That right there is something I can willingly resign myself to. The fact that I most certainly will hang my cap on my kids. It'll help to have an unbelievable support team and the world's greatest partner, of course.

Look at me, regressing into life planning again.

What really struck me just there is that forever is a really, really long time. I think more people toss that word around without understanding it than "love". I bet. Of course, it really helps "love's" chances when "forever" is almost always accompanied with a good ol' "I'll love you--".
Perhaps I put my money on the wrong sentiment.
OH, THE IRONY!

As a culture, I think we have less of an obsession with love than we have an obsession with words. Pretty words, fat words, precise words, relatively meaningless words, excessive words, dark words, effective words. But predominately we love words that we don't understand. But, dare I say it, I would boldly use at least three or four of those words in one sentence. But then again, I've always been a little bit unbalanced.
I would discourage any sort of imitation.
Please, SIGN THE WAIVERS.

I wish you could sign a waiver for your own life. But maybe responsibility for our actions is what allows us to exist in a society. I miss my familiar society. Life is so big. Forever is so long.

I'm scared.
I miss high school.

//Edit:
I just thought you may all be interested to know that I have a list of people who I will be keeping an eye on because I'm 100% positive that knowing them will be something I can tell my kids about.

Bitch, gimme back my couch!

2008-11-21T06:31:00.002-05:00

I haven't slept yet today. So thank God I slept in past noon on Thursday. Let's see if I can make it through the day. It's going to be breakfast soon--so I'll keep this brief.
Things always look brighter in the sunlight.
Clear always seems clearer in high-definition.
Soft always looks softer when you haven't slept.

Thank God for Television.

P.S. the link is cooler, this time.

You wanna check into the Heartbreak Hotel, but sorry, we're closed.

2008-11-10T23:54:00.004-05:00

"Do you remember/when we first met/I sure do."

I really hope no one's reading this. Real update time?
I'm doing well. Yeah. I like my courses. I'm getting fairly good grades. I'm making lots of friends. I'm staying (relatively) healthy (remember me?). I've got three offers for places to live next year. I like life.
A lot.

Hope everything's going just as well for you.
But, if you'd like to know my secret for happiness, read to the bottom.

And it kills me
When she says, "Baby,
Baby, will you come for me?"
And I
I don't know what to tell her
What to say to her
To make it all better
And I
I know it's my responsibility
And supposedly my quality
And usually my specialty
But I
I don't know how to choose
And I refuse to lose you
With all I've been through
And I
I know she thinks I'm complex
But this situation's got me vexed
I just want to know what's next
So I
I can get past it in my dreams
And finally start to sleep
And get to where we'll meet
And I
I'll say I do

I really just chose to be. That's all.

ALL OF IT: Part 1 (2005-2006)

2008-08-14T00:24:00.014-05:00

"We're not sleeping, and I'm not breathing."

Usually that comes from whatever I'm listening to while typing. Talk about impressionable.

In any case, I feel as though this should draw itself to a close. This place gives me the heebie-jeebies. When I realize that these nights I'm as likely as ever to stay up until some ungodly hour ("Not that any one hour is more holy or godly than the next; although, David did tend to pray to God in the early morning."), I also realize that now might be as good and as fitting a time as ever to really take a look back at where my head has been over the last four years. Granted, there may be gaps due to moments of cerebral-absence, or a general distaste for anything and everything produced in that time.

And so we begin, as is customary, with a short series of lines that may or may not capture how I feel in a way that will make sense to the general audience. It seems only fitting that the lines come from the song with the most playcounts on my iTunes (whether intentionally or unintentionally):
Oh, Oh maybe, we were made
We were made for each other
Ahh, is it possible for the
World to look this way forever?

Apologies to AB, as I assume this only made matters worse.

2004: It Begins...
I'm not quite sure, but perhaps this was intended to be a sort of "source of wisdom" for any and all passers-by.
hitchhiking is probably not the best way to meet girls.
Or inanne comments about life--or nothing involved.
Simon says say something incoherent.
Someone asked me what I do for a living. I said, "I amaze."
And then there was some work, like this. And this:
A throw rug, trashed underfoot
Wasted at the hands of your feet
A step towards disaster
You have put your foot down to contest
You have left your mark
Mud tracked in by your shoes
Arranged ever so carelessly
In the shape of a heart
You sweep your leg back
And scatter this mud-heart of mine

2005: It Develops...
As the new year dawned, there were a slew of short, trite posts. There was mention of a girl, and perhaps the start of a pattern of frustration and disappointment.

i said to her, "it's true... one wasn't true..."

what a lame line...

not a lime line.

i've got more...

And suddenly life became a lot more introspective. And good God--that would never go away.

1. i'm overly obsessed with making my life interesting, but i hate it when it is.

2. i think i'm lacking in areas that i wish i wasn't.

3. everyone around me excels in the areas i wish i could.

4. people seem to be very closed these days. i suppose the fact that i stare at the road out the window of the bus doesn't help.

5. i don't please myself. which sucks.

6. nobody sees me how i want to be seen.

7. i don't want to be perceived the way i am, i just want to be perceived the way i am.

8. i've set my life up to be an endless trap. the only people i'll be myself with are people who have already accepted me for the me they've never seen.

9. i have to rebel against myself way too often.

10. i give up to easy.

11. i have no freakin' clue when to give up.

12. the annoying idiots are more successful than me.

13. i've been uprooted in every way possible. now i can't get grounded for fear of flying.

14. i pay for things too early. plain and simple.

15. i apply the wrong things to myself, then wonder what happened to everybody else.

16. then they wonder what happened to me.

17. but they don't, because they never knew me.

18. or have known me for three weeks.

19. and i won't know them for much more than that, because i'm going to be uprooted.

20. but they don't know that

21. so they wonder why i'm so distant.

22. but they don't know i'm distant.

23. because they don't who i'd be if i wasn't distant.

24. because they don't know me.

To be honest, there will always be times in my life where I can look back at who I was and really wonder who was actually worse for me. I always found I could blame my discomfort on everybody else, and even rationalize it to anyone and everyone around me. They'd believe me--hell, I'd probably be right--but I'd trap myself in that box of martyrdom. And that wouldn't go away for a long time. At least I always had girls to scare me.

i could paint the tops of my shoes.

and then

i realized something today -- yay for me.

i so want to be one on one with someone, but i'm afraid of it too. i want to be able to talk to one person and still be articulate... from what i've seen, it won't happen soon.

i hate that.

Then began the time of nailing down in writing exactly what it was that I wanted in my life. Yes, yes, I did start the lists. Of course, I would never claim to have a great concept of what I really wanted in life at the age of fourteen... Much less any sort of concept of what was really important. Don't worry; it's all becoming oh-so clear these days.

i'm on the bus, and i see a sign that says,
"hidden fees suck."
and
"dresses for weddings, proms, teachers."

oh, and i was left with this thought:
"she asked me to break her arm so i could sign the cast."

So perhaps I never followed my own advice of avoiding generalizations. I think I just enjoyed making statements.

bad tree = bad fruit

So... What did THAT mean?

Oh! Oh! And then I got really self-righteous and self-victimizing. But after that, I kind of went back and forth between cynical and irrelevant.

one sings,
another turns;
one preaches,
another converts;
one possesses,
another releases;
one gains,
another decreases;
one tries,
another rebukes;
one explains,
another confuses;
one extends,
another retreats;
one complies,
another defeats;
one exhales,
another faints;
one a martyr,
another a saint.

one is glass,
another grabs a hammer.

Like, what does that mean, again? But sometimes I forced out a few lines that made me pity myself in a shocking and pathetic way.

so, last night i did some thinking.

if anyone asks -- the way to do that is to drive around bronte around one thirty, throwing free lick's vegetarian burritos at garbage cans from your car. then go to a playground, put on sunglasses, listen to jack's mannequin and copeland (or dashboard and soco), and jump into a swing that's too short for you. now watch the apartment buildings.

the room on the far left, second from the top, is watching tv. see the flashing lights. you get familiar with those when you walk past or into your parents room for seven years. and it's a huge mother-loving tv. and my shoe is falling off.

so i did some thinking.

i thought that maturity is finally realizing that everything in life has its own hangover.

i thought about this: have you ever been carrying something with someone else. then they ask you if you can carry it by yourself, and you're confident, so you say "yes." they let go and it's only then that you realize how much of the weight they were taking.
you were like that to me
and when you weren't there for that long, i finally -- yes, i mean finally -- realized how much i counted on you being there all the time.
so we've already established that i may be in love
we haven't? oh. well then, nevermind.
i'm not confident anymore

so here comes that hangover. which means, "get out the applesauce". which obviously hasn't been in the fridge. and of course, add cinnamon and granulated sugar. i've heard i put in too much, but to be honest -- i can't taste it. i need to do some thinking. mommy, drive me to bronte.

is there anbody going to listen to my story / all about the girl who came to stay / she's the kind of girl you want so much it makes you sorry / still, you don't regret a single day -girl the beatles

I hope that by now you're not actually reading thoroughly. Because some of this is just as useless as it was when it was written. I mean, I'm not about to perform the classic Andy-Undersell and say something obviously untrue and unflattering about myself in order to either seem humble or evoke a response, but I think I generally overestimated the significance of my own words. I was the one who could end an argument with a sentence, convince the nonbeliever with a line, woo the girl with a whisper, and cure cancer with a homonym. In my mind. What a tool, eh?

Oh. And me listening to Justin Timberlake used to surprise you all.

And then the analytical analogies and metaphors began.

Lately, I wish I could just nail things down like I could in little school. Certainly feeling like a train wreck -- or a hurricane... because a hurricane would let me continue my analogy of nailing things down. Like shingles. Or windows. Or deck chairs. Either way, analogy aside, I'm feeling like I want back to the elementary life (in every essence) -- but it wasn't very rewarding. Maybe if I could redo it I could be a better person.

2. True or False: If Andy redid little school he could be a better person.

For myself, this retrospective, end-of-an-era journey is repeatedly showing me how little I understand things in the heat of the moment. Perhaps that will be my emerging theme (which, no doubt, always seem to come about this far in. Let's just say that I never was one for a short-winded intro.)

There were, however, moments where I did allow for an outsource of material. Because, as they say, two heads are better than one.

Someone once said, "Perhaps the feelings that we experience when we are in love represent a normal state. Being in love shows a person who he should be." That would've been Anton Chekhov
He was pretty smart.

Things going well for you? Well then:
"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." - Abraham Lincoln.
You've got this chance, don't miss it.

Somehow I feel strangely calm in all of this. That's the third time I've felt so unbelievably relaxed that it's numbing. I'm stark-raving calm. It's explosive -- and yet catchy. I could easily get addicted to this.

Upon my second round of reading (the first being the time I wrote them all), I learned that I never really knew what I wanted to say, so if I ever said what I wanted to say or meant exactly what I said--it was all fluke. I think now is as good a time as any to admit to the complete and utter blindness I depended on to make it through life. You may think that everything I say has meaning. Wrong. I just sit here and type.

What I do know for a fact is that everything has changed. At least one piece of my future is set. And now I've made my first move--off to Queen's--and let the chips fall where they may. The pieces are in play, the die has been cast, and I'm running out of table game analogies... But I couldn't be happier.

-AP

Should've done something
But I've done it enough
By the way, your hands were shaking
Rather waste my time with you

-and I mean that.

Eve is the apple of my eye.

2008-07-17T23:35:00.004-05:00

Sometimes I come here to think. I designed this place to explain in due time all I know.

I would like to go on record as having an unprecedented dilemma on my hands. A wonderful dilemma: human nature and the way things ought to be. Are there happy mediums in such a scenario? I really can't decide. There are just things I want to make real that I can't figure out.

I see things in a completely different light nowadays. Things have their own purpose. I don't act out of pure self-conviction anymore. I have become other-centered. Near completely. It's devastatingly ideal. Super-ideal, I'd even say.

I Saw - Matt Nathanson
The Mock Love - She Swings (thanks, B)
Thinking About You - Radiohead
Kill - Jimmy Eat World
Leaves You Feeling Alright - Trouble With Ferguson
Forever - Chris Brown
Dance Inside - The All-American Rejects

Next year I will be taking five full-year courses:
PSYC 100
CLST 101
HIST 122
SOCY 122
FILM 110
Still haven't heard back on the residence situation just yet, but I'm still hoping for a single.

I don't know exactly where to go after that thought. I suppose it'll come to me. I'm not necessarily a classy read--more of a choppy, grit-your-teeth-and-bear-it kind of tale. I think that's the way my life works out. There's always going to be SOMETHING I could complain about--I think now I've just chosen not to... y'know? I could whine and complain, or I could take it all in stride, look ahead to what is coming, and keep on with my 3TRACKMIND. Which is really a two track mind, but where's the fun in that?

My God, I've got things to sort out. Good things, don't get me wrong. There's nothing like feeling TOO loved.

FINALLY. I have one question that's been on my mind for a while. Wait for it.
Am I going to be a good father? I'm not sure I've got in me.

Hope to see you all again, someday. I wonder if I ever will.
-AP happened

2008-04-16T21:52:00.003-05:00

Forget everything you're thinking about ISU's for one second and just read what your notes say:
"Well there I was... getting deeper in love every minute, and all of a sudden I realized I didn't care. What was the use of doing great things if I could have a better time telling her what I was going to do?"
- Jay Gatsby (The Great Gatsby 95)

Doesn't it all just make you want to go back and listen to the So Impossible EP?
No?
Just me?
Oh well.

Song: Until The End Of Time - Justin Timberlake

A-out.

#5 Presenting 2008: As of now

2008-03-15T11:58:00.013-05:00

I believe there is an ending for this I'm missing

2008-02-10T17:02:00.000-05:00

I get concerned around the dark times
'Cause in the nighttime
I begin to understand
All of the things that people do and say
And what makes them okay
And how that connects to all of me
Because it's easier to ask you to change
Than me to rearrange
Into something else
Possibly better to be around

Oh, won't you be
Oh, won't you be
Won't you be around?
Oh, can't you see
Oh, can't you see
That I am willing to adapt to all the things you need to change
And all the parts of me that don't line up with anything that you say
And how I'd rather be a different boy than be one apart from you
And why it's easier to say "I will" than for me to say "I do"

#2 I don't get it.

2008-02-02T02:41:00.000-05:00

There has been a gross misconception of me.

Take a moment for yourself and interpret that any way you'd like.
Alright? Good.

"I keep telling myself
I keep telling myself
I'm not the desperate kind"

I wish I could make myself more applicable. Rather than force you all to listen to me utilize whatever is sitting around me to sort out whatever is happening around me. Because that's just boring.
Duh.
But really, I can't conjure up some ability to be universal out of nowhere. I can't just sit and wait around for something to come to me. Instead, I think I'll just start talking and see if it works on this first run-through. So as I'm taking this leap of faith, you're all going to have to come along with me.
Um.
I think I'm getting sick.
Ever get the feeling that people know exactly what they want to say long before they say it? The words come out eventually and you're just sitting there saying to yourself, "Wow, you've been waiting this whole time to say those words." Is it worse when you follow that thought up with "...maybe you should have put a little more thought into them." I don't know. I've been thinking about these things lately.
Because sometimes you can just feel it coming a mile away.
Unfortunately, a mile may not be enough prep time.
Well, I guess I didn't think that one through. The lesson learned: I'm not thoroughly bullet-proof. I just can't tell who was banking on that more, them or me...

p.s. I'll give you a murder mystery!

Now I'm unhealthy

2008-01-26T01:00:00.000-05:00

I just thought I'd share with you a moment from my brain, from about thirty seconds ago:

Oh man, I feel terrible. I don't know if I can even-- wait... what exactly would I be trying to do right now?

That's right. I can't even tell you what it is I'm supposed to be trying to accomplish.
Edit will come, theme #2 will come.

EDIT//
Okay, so first off, that thing I had been trying to do was walk. And get orange juice. Those stairs looked friggin' scary.
Moving on.

Which semester will be harder? One or Two? Good question.

This week's theme:
relief, and whatever this makes you feel.

responses:
rachel--
http://non-thought.blogspot.com/2008/01/2-relief.html
maddy--
http://characteroftheweek.blogspot.com/2008/02/2-when-do-you-feel.html

#1 So what if he did?

2008-01-19T10:57:00.001-05:00

Exhibit A: a mental breakdown

back up, down
break down, town
bring 'round sound
from red ground
okay?

Sometimes my mind falls apart. This happens from time to time. I think that sometimes I need it. Because it makes me more relate-able. Because I hate feeling like a phony when I'm trying to talk to someone who has fallen apart. I almost said "worse than I have," but then realized that I have fallen apart pretty badly sometimes.
Meh.

///////////
/////////// /

But most of the time I think I worry that I take myself too seriously.

Will you be my "it's complicated" on Facebook?

2008-01-06T18:10:00.000-05:00

I am totally aware of who reads this. That being said, I should probably watch what I say and how I say it... but I haven't cared before and really don't think it'll stop me now. Besides, if it wasn't a problem before it isn't now, and if people are curious about me -- voila! Here I am.

Or maybe I'm just trying to get back into the swing of things, what with English and Writer's Craft coming up in twenty-five days.
...Wait. What?

Supposedly it's time for another update. A legit one, mind you... none of these crappy lists. Wait... did start that one. Either way.

First off, I'm having troubles walking and stuff. That annoys me. Because there's nothing like hearing "It's time to grow up, Andy. University's coming." and simultaneously experiencing what can only be related to arthritis. Fortunately it's just a result of some injury. Come to think of it, that's not much better.
...Shiiiit.
Secondly, (and, as always, an interactive piece to today's literature) I applied for university this past week. Twice, technically. But oh well. I'm going to go out on a limb and list off the schools I applied to, but I won't expect any reciprocation. Don't think about that for too long:
Queen's - Psychology
Guelph - Psychology
Waterloo - Psychology
Wilfred Laurier - Psychology
Next I'll be listing off any failed attempts at relationships I experience in my life and any of the week's past sins. I should stop being so volunteering. I really just like how close it sounds to "cavaliering", which, let's face it, sounds pretty awesome.
Third on the docket, well... I reaaally want to make a movie right now. Somebody better let me in the first month of Semester 2. Because I really don't want to make one just for kicks. And I can't very well do a silent film for Writer's Craft, now can I?
Fourth, and most important: Do not consider this a compromise for me. Because, well... it's not. I just hope it doesn't backfire on me.

The soundtrack for this one:
Slow Jam - Four Tet
Everything's Not Lost - Coldplay
I Summon You - Spoon
Good Morning (Intro) - Kanye West
Won't Go Home Without You - Maroon 5
Chase This Light - Jimmy Eat World
Melatonin - Silversun Pickups
A Bad Dream - Keane
Lovely Allen - Holy Fuck

"Off the top of my head, I'd say you're looking at a Boeski, a Jim Brown, a Miss Daisy, two Jethros and a Leon Spinks, not to mention the biggest Ella Fitzgerald ever!"

What I miss most

2007-12-31T18:21:00.001-05:00

Being thankful that your drink is more than half ice
Being able to see if what you were wearing was weather appropriate by just stepping onto your balcony
Regular waiters
Getting to wear sunglasses all the time
Water
Tropical drinks
Separation
Sun
Sand

Figure this one out:
I've been waiting
I've been waiting for this moment all my life
But it's not quite right
Lazy Eye - Silversun Pickups

Dear God (or whoever you feel comfortable with)

2007-11-29T22:30:00.001-05:00

I would appreciate it if this trend of bad stuff happening to me would end.

-Andy

P.S. Unless, of course, you're going somewhere with this.

I would encourage you...

2007-11-21T19:43:00.000-05:00

to look for the link that has been updated.

And don't be looking in posts.

And feel free to go back in time while you're at it...

Why I should never be allowed outside the house:

2007-11-18T01:28:00.000-05:00

Uh... This is what would happen if I had any inclination towards post offices:
Uh... I suck.

WARNING: this makes me look really bad

2007-11-03T01:34:00.000-05:00

[caution]: there are five links in the following post.

I didn't think I would be coming back here for a very long time, but I realized that the fact that no one tends to come here anymore was way more appealing than I had realized. That... and it's letting me edit the text properly again, so I can add some color. So perhaps I will make this a long one.

I'm not here to complain, I'm not here to point fingers at God and the rest of the world (which leaves... who?), but I've often wondered at the whole balance of life. I guess that statement depends on what you consider balance. Is balance a response to your own actions -- the repercussions of your actions is good or bad based on whether or not your actions were good or bad (ie. karma)? Is balance an attempt to give everyone an equal opportunity? Or is balance a promise that we'll all break even with each other in the end?

My instant reactions:

balance as equal opportunity: FALSE. because what about those kids in africa?
balance as breaking even: FALSE. because what about those kids in africa?
balance as a result of your actions: FALSE. because what about me? ...and those kids in africa?

Now, at the risk of that coming off way too self-righteous... wait... Nope. There's really no way that can come out without looking bad on me. Whatever, I'll cope. Meanwhile, I'm facing the question: is it really worth it to be nice? Is it worth it to go the extra mile for people, to be self-sacrificial, to make sure everyone else is happy before you are? Is it really that defining a quality that by being that way you'll end up any happier than you would have otherwise? So far, no. It's not looking good.

No, I'm not denying that I have an extremely blessed life. I can do almost anything I set my mind to, I can do some things really well, I have some great friends, I have a supportive family. But sometimes I judge my life a little differently than that. Small things, like "Am I happy?"

This is the moment where I start to question my views on the Purpose behind everything. If I'm struggling to feel important, complete, accepted, wanted, or like any of it's worth it -- then why am I insisting on keeping it up? Because maybe I think it'll all pay off in the end? Maybe I think this whole "unselfishly giving" thing works on the ladies... And I wonder, even if I knew I would never get anything out of it in return, would I still do it?

Yeah. Think I might.

I suppose I'll just remain this way. Because sometimes the Doormat is cool. Like Charlie Brown. Or Linus. Right? He had it going for him. I wish I could just see some reasoning. Because I'm pretty sure that I'm walking into most of these situations. I'm setting myself up to be walked all over, or be walked to, borrowed, and then walked away from. But maybe I'm just like all those other guys who give of themselves without even thinking about it. The ones that you don't need to explain why you need them. Maybe the only thing that sets me apart is that I have no motivation. And I'm draining myself -- because I have nothing to draw from.

So please don't tell me that it will all be worth it soon enough. Or that I just need to wait patiently and I'll be rewarded. Because, sure, the blessing may be in the giving sometimes. And sometimes your reward is your action. But that's little comfort when every night you go home alone and every time you walk through a door there's no one waiting for you.

P.S. Please watch the video. It gave me chills when I was seven, it gave me chills tonight.

"and again when your head goes through the windshield"

2007-10-25T20:40:00.000-05:00

a haiku about genies:

Y:"I'll grant you one wish"
M:"I just wish for happiness"
Y:"I can't give you that"

M:"Shit."

What was it like? A train track?

2007-09-11T10:01:00.000-05:00

Alright. My guess is that I'll use the pronoun "you" (or anything like it) to represent at least six people today.

Generally I don't like to get really retrospective. And by really I mean I don't like to go too far back. Like I told you. But just now, as I was thinking about what to say, I realized that even though each individual event/action/movement in my life has led to this point, and even though if I had changed one word that my life could be completely different -- even with all of the philosophy behind that, I still think that there are specific events that, had I made the other decision, my life would be in a completely different spot. Had I picked one house over the other, one set of stairs over the other, one project over the other, one time to be honest over the other. That keeps going, but I'm done.

So I've decided not to speak vindictively, or get defensive. And I'm not turning this into a debate. You win, you lose. End of story.

So that was from a few days ago.

Right now I'm in more of a panic/stress mood. But "Hello" and I was back. "How are you?" and I was okay. Sort of. One more time, please? But in person, please. And I also still feel terrible, so if you could fix that too...
I bet you could.
P.S. The questions were because questions are our thing.

I also want to bet that I could do that easy play at the heart-strings thing for the remainder of this post. Why? Because I think I'm there again. So let's see which metaphorical direction I take this in. And by the way, that's the direction of the metaphor, not a metaphoric direction...
You're not like the moon (this time). On the contrary, you're not drawn into orbit by something bigger and more dominating than yourself. You are your own. I know you are. So stop listening.
That was terrible. I can do better than that.

I'm like a sweater. Just put me on when you need me.
...What the fuck does that mean?

got a body like a battle axe

2007-08-26T23:57:00.000-05:00

today is a no-caps day. why? because i'm worried.
no, not that kind of worry. a different kind. probably a kind i've never really been feeling while writing a post. so possibly this will come out differently. in a new way. and new shit sells. woot.
speaking of selling, i have to work early tomorrow, and walk to work because every car is in, like, fricking kingston or at some bar mitzvah. go figure.
speaking of posts and that whole paragraph-y thing, somehow i started thinking about how people had thought i had my life in order. and have my life in order at this point. and i remember that this was one of the most annoying things to hear back in my seasons of teenage-angst. but i think i'm past that, apart from the occasional pillow into the wall, bottle into the wall, mull over my frustration quietly-type thing. so now i'm wondering, what is it that makes people seem like they've got it all together:
a significant other
a high-paying job
successful children
well-behaved children
nice house
on the cover of a magazine
on the cover of a newspaper
having a fan club
having a decent support system of friends
beating their addiction
accomplishing their life's goals
having the job they wanted as a kid
talking like they have a clue
experiencing struggle
having a good outward attitude
keeping secrets for themselves
etc.

and since i have a pattern: please feel free to ask me any questions and tell me which of these you think are true, and any others. theses are crap options -- give me good-er ones, please.

and you said, "i know that this will hurt
but if i don't break your heart, then things will just get worse
when the burden seems too much to bear, remember
the end will justify the pain it took to get us there"
let it all out - relient k

that was a bad night. goodnight.

Honey, lay off of them shoes

2007-08-17T14:32:00.000-05:00

I guess now is as good a time as any to say Hello to the blogging world.
"Hello." (<--Lame)
And since I always do this, here's where I'm at right now, physically: I'm sitting in my basement, my family asleep upstairs (including my grandparents and two cousins). I'm drinking Lipton Green Tea, which I just about spilled, while eating a mixed bowl of Cap'n Crunch and Swedish Fish. Cereal and candy, yummy. I'm watching Arrested Development on TV, even though I've been watching a lot of movies recently... Disney movies, to be exact, while running on the treadmill, to be exact. It, like, clears my head... or something. Well done indeed.

Thought #1: Please, let us only have one after-party. None of this division stuff, eh?
Thought #2: I will be continuing The O.C. as soon as that one bastard returns that one disc. I mean, seriously, what's gonna happen to Seth, Ryan, and the rest of the gang?

But then again, what's gonna happen to me? Come on, clear head, do your thang. Because now I've got different things to think about now. And I don't have too much experience in this part of my brain, or my logic. Well, at least not for a while, now. To be honest, I didn't think I'd get here for a lot longer. But then again, it's always the day after I'm on one polar end that I end up on the other. I mean polar. Seriously. So that makes this a little like culture shock, or at least, that's what we'll refer to it as.

Because that happens sometimes. Where you switch from being totally frustrated to being more peaceful than you have been able to be for a long time. So yes, everything's alright now. But no... it's not... It's just I don't care about the stuff that's left. And I'm okay with that. Ziing! Feeling better already. But then again, we did talk about this before. I can't be completely dependent on something or someone else to make me feel okay. Anyone who's completely dependent on anything other than themselves are just weaker -- and then it's harder for anyone to depend on you in any way. And then you just feel sucky. Because what good are you? No good.
"Why The World Doesn't Need Superman".
Leave it to me to forget to do something I told you to do.

So the weirdest (but really, not really) thing from this week is how... well I'm getting along with my parents. I mean, woah. And I'm trying to explain that. Because apart from the one big fight (yeah...), I've been good with them the whole week. What is making us so compatible suddenly? See previous paragraph, perhaps?

Okay, so Brent asked what song described your life right now... And since I answered I've realized that there are tons of songs that can, fairly specifically, describe my life. I think. That may have something to do with the fact that I've been all over the place mentally and emotionally just in the last week. But I'll probably forget them all.
So:
Second Star From The Left, Go 'Til Dawn - Copeland
Beautiful Disaster - Jon McLaughlin
Which To Bury, Us Or The Hatchet - Relient K
Accidental Babies - Damien Rice
Crave Me - Rise Electric
Love Is A Marathon - Teddy Geiger
Suspicious Minds - Elvis Presley
Blue Suede Shoes - Elvis Presley

See... I forgot them all.

I'm not sure what is more disturbing, knowing how many people know or not knowing how many people know. This would go for any secret you've shared even once. Because once it's out of your hands you've got to just trust and cross your fingers a little bit. Okay, so a lot.

And since I've sunk back into my old pattern of random and poorly connected thoughts, not to mention an incredible taste for the vague, I think I'm done.
Because none of you got any of that, I bet.
But I'm not about to talk a step backwards... So, feel free to ask any questions.
(This post took three days)

The good new is it's not SARS. Woohoo.

2007-07-30T10:56:00.000-05:00

Dear class,
Today's word is "maybe."
Today's main topic is "indecision." The curriculum will refer back to this whenever it is deemed appropriate. The professor will return to it whenever he blanks.
Today's soundtrack is Heavier Things, O, and anything Kanye West. Which is a great combination.
Today's movie is Fight Club, for obsession's and confusion's sakes.
Today's TV is The Office Season 2.

This would be what we consider a "large topic". So to make sure I got this completely covered, here I am at 4:00AM, cranking this out for clarity. Actually no, I just don't sleep well anymore and this seemed like an appropriate place to sit and wait for the world to wake up. I'm not a morning person, but I guess if I just start my morning four five hours before everyone else then maybe I will appear to be one. Or, occassionally, seven and a half hours earlier.

As I learned in grade 11 English (as well as grade 10 English, grade 9, grade 8, and grade 7), the way to begin any sort of essay (as unpoetic as it sounds -- face it, that's what we're doing here) is to briefly go over what you will be talking about. I'm going to try to do that, but if you've been here for any length of time longer than two months then you know that it may not work to perfection. So let's list the indecisive topics as best we can: future, trust, maturity, responsibility, and shall we say... "loyalty".

Now it's no secret, I have touched on all of these things at least once (most likely more) before. Some more than others. Some non-stop (if you look). But if I repeat anything I will write it off as either the sickness talking or the fact the maybe somebody just needed to hear it. Yeah... so let's go.

So I had at one point expressed frustration about how it seemed that everyone I knew had their future all planned out and how I felt like the only one who was at a loss for what to do. Since the I growed up. Now I know that almost everyone is struggling with their ideas for what they want to be doing and where they want to be in the next five, ten, two years. I guess for me it's a matter of deciding how risky I want to be. A friend once told me that I should never let risk affect what I want to do or who I want to be. Because either way, if I'm not enjoying it then I might as well have fallen victim to the risk. If that person was a stock, I would invest.
And since I know you're all dying to know, these are some of my ideas (I almost said 'options' -- that would have been silly): actor, director, writer, journalist, psychiatrist, photographer, teacher, and depending how successful any of that is, owning some sort of store. You have no idea how depressing it would be for me to go through all of those and tell you why they might not work -- so I'm not gonna.

While recently I was thinking about a lot of the highlights and lowlights of the China trip (highlights: the bridge, the people, being stared at; lowlights: brothels, smog, having to tell the government that I'm sick), I realized that I'm starting to find out things that make me happy and things that bother me. Like bad families. Bad judgement. Bad streaks. Bad coffee. Bad dates. I really don't feel like delving into it too deeply, but let's just state the obvious for the sake of my conscience: how you raise your kids is important. I have yet to see a kid who was raised poorly turn out as good as they could've been. That's not to say that they can't turn out amazing -- but it could've been better. I'm also not saying that kids who are raised incredibly well can't still turn out to be incredible tools.
This relates to trust... trust me. ("weeeeeeaaaak")
You can tell because the paragraph breaks are single spaced.
I could make a fairly detailed list of what can destroy a relationship (I told you I should have my own store), but as I said before, you have no idea how depressing it would be for me to go through all of those and tell you why they would work. So as my compromise I will explain how trust is a lynchpin for relationships. To make this easy, I won't even talk about how they work with trust, I'll focus on how they don't without it. It's simpler. For instance, I trust my parents to not read over my shoulder... and then they do, and that strains the relationship. Trust gone. Other times the trust was never there, and the party involved knows they were never trusted. I call that a catalyst. Or shooting yourself in the foot.
I don't feel like working on this one anymore -- moving on!

Double spaced.

Speaking of double, I will be tackling the next two topics at the same time. Since for me, the two topics seem to go hand-in-hand when it comes to things that frustrate me or make me indecisive. Probably because of my age, my friends, my not-so-much friends, and the fact that people are inherently stupid. Inherently. I have to wonder whether or not people are just terribly irresponsible or they just choose not to use their common sense. I also wonder which I would find worse.
After that I "like" to think about the Force.
Bear with me.
I don't like thinking about how a life of irresponsibility is like a downward slope. Especially if that's a steep, slippery slope. Because I don't like the idea of irreversible decisions and consequences. I mean, I like the idea that you are held accountable for your actions, don't get me wrong. I like when there are consequences that you can learn from -- I just don't like thinking about one reckless choice being able to change your life forever. That disturbs me. So for now, I will continue to think that you can claw your way back from all this, and even come out better for it in the end.

And as for "loyalty"... Well I'm just indecisive about that.
...Regicide?

This post took three days. That is unusual. Other than that, I think it's mostly the same.
Except this time I am encouraging you to ask me for clarification. I think that would make this whole process a little more enjoyable for us all. Bring cake.
P.S. There's just something about beating the hell out of somebody else that makes you both feel better.

post #5

2007-07-05T22:58:00.000-05:00

uh...

gone fishing.

Hooray for autosave!

2007-06-25T02:15:00.000-05:00

Some people are just at a place where they are saying everything on these things. And I'm not sure how to respond to that.
It makes me smile/laugh/worried/jealous/happy/tired (choose one).
I have decided to come here because tonight feels like a good time for me to mark the beginning of my summer. I almost feel like making a list of things I would like to accomplish (like I would've done in the past), partly so I can just take a look at all the shit I'll never get done. Because that's really what they're meant for, right? All these "I want to..." lists I've been cranking out in the last three years of this thing. But maybe what I will do is give a brief run-down of where I'm at right now, at the beginning of the summer.

I have a job (that I might be quitting)
I have no girlfriend (see above)
I have a sixteen day trip to China planned
I have a (hopefully) life-long immunity to Hep C (or A... should probably get that figured out)
I have a few fences to mend, I believe
I have some talents I would like to work on
I have to finish chemistry

Now for a few explanations on all of the aforementioned.

I have a job (that I might be quitting): If two or more of the good co-workers or managers quit or leave, then I will be relocating to a different job (fingers crossed). But on the bright side, I do have a quitting buddy! We have a pact for job-searching when we both quit.
I have no girlfriend (see above): Just because there's so many things I will not talk about here, I will refer back to the job thing. I have no girlfriend because I have no time for one = having a job. I have no girlfriend because I cannot afford one = quitting my job. Oh, and I just don't think I have what it takes.*
I have a sixteen day trip to China planned: I have to pack and that whole thing, but overall I'm looking forward to it. But I will not be looking forward to losing those sixteen days. In a weird sort of way.
I have a (hopefully) life-long immunity to Hep C (or A... should probably get that figured out): I can now cross off one more STD from my list of things to worry about... when I share a drink with anyone...
I have a few fences to mend, I believe: I have been a jackass for the majority of this year. Done.
I have some talents I would like to work on: Because next year I would like to kick some ass. Mwuahaha. *See above.
I have to finish chemistry: Because I would like that credit. Done.

If you feel like you're losing by giving, then you didn't need to be giving.

Romance is dead, I shot it in the chest then the head

2007-06-16T14:33:00.000-05:00

I Can’t Save The World

I am just a boy
I sleep in my bed; I eat at my kitchen table
When the sun is out, I play outside
Or I don’t
But I can’t save the world

I am just a boy
I imagine myself growing old
And when I do, I pray it isn’t alone
But it might be
And I didn’t save the world

I am just a boy
I try not to think about my mistakes
Anymore than I have to, to learn
And I make a lot
Like not saving the world

I am just a boy
I bleed the same way as you do
Just not as often – or maybe more
I hope it’s the second
Since I’m not saving the world

I am just a boy
I jump on the bandwagon, sometimes
I didn’t even like POGS
There goes my money
Meanwhile, I could’ve been saving the world

I am just a boy
The night sky makes me feel insignificant, sometimes
So it’s a good thing I’m already on my back
I’d be knocked there
Now I know I can’t save the world

I am just a boy
Most of the time I wish that I could fly
So that I could see the Seven Wonders of the World
And all its problems
Just because I didn’t save the world

I am just a boy
I complain about having so much to do
At least I have those opportunities
Others do not
Even for them, I do not save the world

I am just a boy
Even amongst the busyness, I still get bored
So I preoccupy myself with hobbies
One of them is not
Saving the world

I am just a boy
I have trouble making eye contact
Especially with starving children on my TV
It inspires me
I decide to save the world, but I don’t

I am just a boy
I have a goal to be famous one day
And have influence over thousands, like Oprah
And I will relax
And forget about trying to save the world

I am just a boy
I reflect on my life, maybe too much
And I realize how little I have done
And I feel guilty
For I have not saved the world

I am just a boy
I have started to realize my limits
And made realistic goals for the world
Like changing myself
Because I can’t save the world

I'M A SINK

2007-05-30T21:01:00.000-05:00

I'd brace myself for you
The lines are all blurred and the patterns reversed
You know I'm a wreck
But you are one too so it wouldn't mean a thing to you
Hard to get you alone
I can't tell who's more scared but that's probably fair
You look good at first glance
But I'll get in your head and like it even better in there

Sometimes life just comes after you.
I'm busier than your average grade 12, but hey, I'm not going to say anything to them. Because they're pretty attached to the feeling of being the most stressed, busy, and screwed people in the world. But by now, I'm sure everyone knows, there are some weeks where the world just likes to pile it on. So what am I doing here, of all places? Well, world, I left my damn books at school. So what the hay, I figured I'd just do... well, thiiis?

I'd brace myself for all of you
But what good would that do?
When I asked you to tell it all
And all at once I'd see it all
All at once I'd see you smile
And that would be enough
And all at once that would be enough

(For about a week)
Boing.
I'm struggling to start saying what I want to say. I think that might be because I... don't? For starters, I'm listening to all these songs I used to put on repeat. They catch up with me -- they caught up with me. I wish I could just do something as simple as throw some stuff, drink some stuff, break some stuff, rework some stuff, and then feel better. Why can't that work for me? How come I can't get away with that. I want that.
Shh. I do that.

I'd brace myself for you
Because you're more than I can handle
I won't pretend to understand it all
Or that I can take it away at all
Because who really gives a ( )

//from before:
It's amazing how the same thing that drives you to the brink can bring you right back again.
It's amazing how I can chase you, and think of you, but have no idea who you are or what you look like.
It's amazing how there's just a little bit of my inner child left.

What do you say to that?
What do you say to the ever-present possibility of death?
What do you say to the ever-present possibility of your life suddenly changing?
What do you say to the ever-present possibility of making one small mistake and losing everything?
You say, "Holy ( )."
(How do you like that? I'm interactive.)

Life's too short to hold a grudge.
Life's too short to have a pet peeve.
Life's too short to stick to the clichés.
Oh ( ).

watch you work the room

2007-05-14T15:36:00.000-05:00

I'm head over heels for someone I that I really can't deal with.
I wanna block her out my mind but I really can't do it (do it).
I tell myself that this the last time I'ma let her do this to me.
But whenever we do spend time
I realize that I can't get enough of you.

Wipe that smile off your fucking face
(Then I say to you)
Wipe that smile off your face
(Then I say to you)
Wipe that smile off your fucking face
(IThen I say to you)
Wipe that smile off your face

To be despised
To be loved
To be dreamt of
To be sought
On the inside
I don't care
Right in the middle
I'm right in the middle
To be despised
To be loved
To be dreamt of
To be sought
On the inside
I don't care
Be my unholy
My one and my lonely

I wear scarves and hoods cause they're the only poker face that I've got left
And everything I love about you is a mess
Smash the mirror and break the palm reader's hand
I want to be better than I am

(Let me say to you)
Wipe that smile off your fucking face
(Then I say to you)
Wipe that smile off your face
(Then I say to you)
Wipe that smile off your fucking face
(Then I say to you)
Wipe that smile off your face

To be despised
To be loved
To be dreamt of
To be sought
On the inside
I don't care
Right in the middle
I'm right in the middle
To be despised
To be loved
To be dreamt of
To be sought
On the inside
I don't care
Be my unholy
My one and my lonely

One & Only - Timbaland (Ft. Fall Out Boy)

Welcome to TD

Is it going, is it going, is it going, is it going?

2007-04-28T20:58:00.000-05:00

And you know I won't mind if you
Monopolize all of my time
I won't say a thing at all
I won't say a word, no
California - Copeland

I like having good days better than I like having bad days.

What does this mean?

2007-04-10T23:16:00.000-05:00

You won't believe what just happened.
Check that.
I won't believe what just happened.

I was walked into my room tonight, about ready to fall asleep. I sat down to look at my clock and plug my iPod in, and there it was: 11:10PM.
One minute.
And you know what I did? I got so mad in about twelve seconds that I unplugged my clock and walked out on my 11:10. I have no more 11:11, go to hell 11:11. I came down here to type this up and passed by my kitchen clocks. I used to love this place at 11:11.
Again, 11:10, and I kept on walking, not wanting to look back and catch the clocks changing.

Good night.
Check that.
Good riddance.

"...I made you a jellyfish"

2007-04-01T22:29:00.000-05:00

don't waste
your time
on me
you're al-
ready
a voice inside my head.

I just think this was fitting. Um, thanks. For being you. And even though I got really mad at you more than once, and wanted to just walk away from you forever at least twice, you've probably made me who I am now. Which is cool, when you think about it. But before I go making a bigger deal out of things than they deserve, like I normally do, let's just move on from that.

I make a bigger deal out of things than they deserve. I make a smaller deal out of things than they deserve.
Apathy < Empathy
Empathy = Sympathy
Sympathy < Disturbance
Disturbance < Whatitwouldtaketomakemejustshutupandleave.

There, I thought I should say it like that, since I lied about having finished my math homework.

Untitled

2007-03-04T01:28:00.000-05:00

All my tticks are coming back. You'd laugh if you saw.
Right, why am I here? Because I need some peace of mind. Or to at least to make these things visual. There's something about that.
Yes, I'm at another point where I've lost my mind. Except it went a lot quieter this time. And it brought back a lot of things I thought I had gotten past. Like needing to punch my pillow three times before I go to bed, and staying up way too late on nights I don't need to, and staring myself in the eye, and looking like Hayley-Joel Osment. I feel like I've taken way too many steps backwards. But I won't address this in the second person. No I won't do that. I'll leave that to Howie Day.
I think what I really want is to curl up in a safe place, or maybe to just have March Break come and watch The O.C. Yeah, now I'm Hayley-Joel Osment and Seth Cohen. I didn't say it!

ZOMBIES!
I'm all scattered.
Because I Feel like my best choice is to distance myself from my problems. But I just can't leave her alone. And I mean that in every way. Ha!

CAPTAIN PLANET!
So I really don't know if I could handle it anymore. Because I've started to think more about what would really happen. I'm not as blinded by the initial feeling as I was before...
...so that sucks.

Here's what you need to listen to:
She Says - Howie Day
This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race - Fall Out Boy
Gone Gone Gone - John Ralston
The Funeral - Band of Horses
It Ends Tonight - The All-American Rejects
Time After Time - Quietdrive
Melt Into the Walls - Pilate
Wake Up - The Arcade Fire
Wait - Something Corporate
Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Will Escape - Underoath
Tell Her This- Del Amitri
With or Without You - U2
There Cannot Be a Close Second - Copeland
Testing the Strong Ones - Copeland
Sideways - Citizen Cope

I'm sorry, that in your condition the sunshine's been missing

2007-02-14T22:50:00.000-05:00

Well, happy Valentines Day to me. More to come.
I think/

Life as a Conjunction:

2007-01-24T23:56:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry. I started to, and then I just stopped.

Sorry, this is coming from a weird moment of weakness. I'm not supposed to show this. Because I don't trust in myself anymore. Well, not as much as I used to. I don't know what to blame for that. Well.

It must be the way that I can hear you say this now
Don't be afraid, just know that I'll be with you somehow
All of your cries, soon they will drown in my lullabies
Just close your eyes, just close your eyes
Lullaby - All Star United

So my mind has turned to ways of being sneaky, brilliant, and have an overall sense of accomplishment that I've been dreaming of for years. Because there's always a day where you feel left out, and you feel like you missed out, and like "Oh crap, I could've been all over that. Man." Yeah, like that.
At least they gave me time to think. But that doesn't really solve my problem. Go figure. And there are moments where I just think things like
I hate phones
I hate computers
I hate parents
I hate maps
I hate months
I hate plays
I hate jobs
I hate bowling
I hate guitars
and all I can do is focus on how I've been let down. Well guess what. It was mostly me. Mostly me. So the next time I check a calendar, maybe I'll just have to shake my head in shame and tell myself that I embarrass me. Hm, some capricious kid I am.

Would you do it? Would you take a risk to kick someone's feet out from under them (metaphorically, of course)? How much are you willing to put OUT THERE before you start to think about it? Because then you'll realize that it's not just you they're judging, and it's not just what you thought. And suddenly there's more to the story that you never saw coming. And how do you react to that? With a paper and pen? I mean, is that what it's asking for?
You can't slip a pair of wings into someone's locker.

"And on that note..."
That's where it started. That and my birthdate. God.

Oh, and save me from Nickelback, because Photograph does not help me. Because I'm trying to channel the majority of the feeling through to my fingers (interrupted by the occasional tic), and before you know it, something brilliant will come out.
Please, let it be now.

If you spent two more minutes in the corner
They'd probably lose track of you
And they'd come looking for you
And they'd take you by the hand and drag you
And I'd be left watching them pull you
Away from where I was just sitting
With you
Leaving me with an air of clouds
And harmless little ambitions
And I'd add them to my conditions
Which I piled up with your permission
When you came along with your apparitions
As I walked past the street lights
In this condition
Which is to say that I really, really, really hope this works out.

This is pretty unfinished.
This is pretty unfinished.

Well that's good news -- snakes on crack

2007-01-04T19:21:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I said something last year. This day. 365 days ago. Today.
Yeah, I said that I had finally figured something out. That I had finally diagnosed myself. That I knew what it was that turned this semi-psychopathic mind into a burning and quivering mess. It was that fear of being brand new. Those first few steps off onto the dark path, the first step towards the edge of the cliff, the first stroke of the brush. It all scares the hell out of me. Maybe the world would be better if we could just skip the beginnings. Skip the introduction and head straight to the part where we know all the characters, and we feel comfortable with what we did. Or not -- or you're stuck in a pool of regret. But you know what. I'd rather know that I was regretful than not know if I was going to be.

So all signs point towards one thing. All systems go go go forward. Right? Well, there's where the fear kicks in. And for me it's like tripping and falling at the finish line. I can see the damn thing, all I have to do is just reach for it, get up and start walking again, maybe even crawl a bit, but I just can't. I'm stuck staring at the finish line from a distance. And every second counts. And before you know it -- it'll be too late and I'll be disqualified. Wouldn't that suck? Gee, you can see the finish, you could touch it, you could paint it from memory (if you ever got the first stroke down), but you can't get there. Too bad. You're done. It's over for you. Except for the regret.

Well, I can't wait for that.

You'd better write me down
Because you'll forget who I am
Unless I'm right there
And then I'll forget who I am
You'd better draw me up
Because you'll lose track of me
Unless I can watch over you
And unless you can see me
But I can't always do that
And I don't think I would
So at least be thinking of me while you're there
Because that's pretty much all I've got to go on right now.

"You deserve better."
What if I don't want better?
"You deserve some respect."
What if I'm okay with it?
"You shouldn't have to deal with this."
What if I knew I could've stopped it, but I didn't do anything?
"Well then you're screwed."
Yep.
"Good luck."
Thanks.

Why'd ya sing hallelujah if it means nothing to ya?

2006-12-27T01:32:00.000-05:00

I'm wearing striped socks that I got for Christmas. And I just finished watching Robin Hood. And now I'm listening to Dashboard. It centers me.

After sixteen and a half years, I feel like I've missed out on some massive revelation that probably came in the nighttime. Or some other time when I had checked-out. That kind of makes it hard to pinpoint the exact time, but I'm okay with it. So here goes another attempt at sounding calm, collected, smart, poetic, and still reasonable to all of you -- awesome.

Bring back the color in your eyes
Bring back the color
Bring back the color in your eyes
Bring back the color
Because I already forgot what color they were.

I moved to Michigan once, and it was the start of something. I still have memories from there, and they're weird. They don't feel right, they're the loose ones that rattle around when I shake my head. Because those were some of the first feelings that I can still recall. So that's my first feeling of inferiority, embarrassment, affection, appreciation, whatever.
And now it feels like I've jumped on a plane and flown back to Michigan. Because thoughts are loose in my head again. And I'm feeling that same kind of rush as if it were the first time. Because any experience or whatever that I had is gone. I'm back to square one, building from the ground up.

My finger is bleeding.

Okay, I just gave out my phone number today. It was a weird moment, kind of like my way of saying I screwed up and the one time I wasn't taking precautions it came back to haunt me.
Yeah, kind of like saying that.
But since we're on the topic of things coming back to haunt me, I'd like to make this perfectly clear: Things will come back to haunt me, I plan on it, and I won't be surprised when they do. Does that mean that I'm walking into the warzone fully knowledgable? Yes. Is this some sort of self-destructive path marking the undoing of myself and just how insane I really am? No. There's a much simpler explanation for all of this. And it comes in three letters, four letters, five letters, six letters, eight letters, and fourteen letters. Take your pick, it's all the same to me.
No really, take your pick. Don't think too long on it. Just say it.

I think a little while back I said something about trying to seperate my private life and my public life; especially when it came to this. This place. Allow me to put that whole thing on hold for a moment. I've had a lot of weird or bad things this break. I don't know. I kind of just want it to end and take my bad luck streak with it (Grandpa says that Lufts don't believe in luck). And I can't believe it took me listening to Damien Rice at 1:30 in the morning -- a week into the break -- to finally realize that it's like this.

I kind of want it to go away
And I kind of can't handle it
I kind of think it should go away
But I like it
YOU=IT

thank you because you loved me, it's all on me

2006-11-26T23:43:00.000-05:00

So as I sit here watching Superman Returns, ironically (in two ways), I'm trying to convince myself that I'm doing something right. Because I've decided that right now I'm missing one thing in my life -- and maybe self-affirmation is that one thing. No, no it's not. So the quest continues (ah well, who really gives a damn, anyway?) Either way, it's my hope that by doing something like this I can 1)inspire some hope in my own life, and ultimately 2)inspire some hope somewhere else. Because really, what greater achievement is there? Granted, inspiring hope in someone else's life isn't likely to have you kickin' it with corgi pups and red leather interiors. But who really wants red leather interiors?

I think I need another metaphor rush. When will that happen? Sometime soon I hope. Is it possible that a metaphor rush is the one thing I need? Uh... No. But it's still fun. Either way, more on that later. I hope. But that's the point. Maybe I'll run with the irony and stick with my Superman. If you've seen that movie, you know Lois Lane wins a Pullitzer Prize for writing an article Clark soon discovers is about "Why the World Doesn't Need Superman". So how does that make everybody feel? That's enough of a metaphor for me. Because I don't feel like delving into it. Too bad for you.

In theory, you're supposed to learn control as you grow older. Look at all the examples. School, diapers, cooking, coloring. It's all there. Unfortunately for me, it's 11:11, and all that does is remind me that I'm slipping backwards and out of control. Which I tend to see as a problem. But hey, maybe it's just me. Maybe a downhill slope is all I need. Ah... Probably not. And it's not very pleasant. Either way, I'm under the impression that the only person who can do anything about it is me. Which is almost how it should be. Almost.

When I say almost, I mean that I'm just shy of a little community. Which brings me back to the thing we talked about in youth group a few years back. The four (or maybe three) kinds of love in the Greek language. So maybe that's what I need -- just a bit of comfort in my relational side, my social side. Too not feel so vulnerable or worried about all of the things that could go wrong with them. No. That's only healthy. The fact that I'm scared only makes me feel better about it.

But please, remember me, fondly

2006-11-19T23:02:00.000-05:00

Don't panic.

From what I've read, it appears as though the only way to blog is to go deep. And I'm not sure I'm equipped for that right now. Now I'm not going to play any god cards, so let's see what you all do with this.

So... have at it.

He's in love with tragedy, in love with tragedy.
She was a wreck but he loved her.
She was a wreck but so was he.
And the last time he saw Dorie he didn't know what to say
But "thank you because you loved me and it's all on me 'cause I didn't want to stay."
I didn't want to stay.

Live, live, live live because you love love love.
And love will make you give give give.
And give in when you break,
But you just want to fix yourself.
Just to break again.
-Copeland

2006-11-05T18:43:00.000-05:00

http://www.myheritage.com

little red cook book, little red cook book

2006-10-30T21:23:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I feel like I owe you all an appology. But don't worry, because I feel like I finally discovered a way to seperate my public thoughts from my private ones. So we should be in good shape.

I feel responsible. What for, I'll never tell.

I've been thinking a lot about heroes, recently. About how you need to be careful who you make your hero. Not because of the usual "be careful who you look up to" kind of thing where they can lead you astray, but because being someone's hero is a massive responsibility. Think about it, when someone depends on you in that sort of way, and you take that seriously, there is a lot of pressure to never show any sign of weakness. You want to be Superman. You want to be invincible for them. Because they feel that you can be invincible for them.

"It may sound absurd, but don't be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed"

I'm not going to make any attempt to connect myself personally to this at all. More like, I hope to inspire you. This may be my turning point.
The desired product feeling is that you would leave here with, not only a greater sense of the demand you place on your hero, but the desire to let them know that, every once in a while, they can do what's best for them. Or, better yet, you can try taking a hit for your hero.

"It may sound absurb, but won't you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream"

Sorry, all, I'm feeling disconnected, so this pretty much sucked. Hopefully you didn't feel like I was preaching at you. But like I said earlier, I've been working on seperating what needs to be said from what needs to be heard. Because, I can personally guarantee you, those are two completely seperate things.

Happy almost-Halloween!

standing in the shadows of what you were waiting for

2006-10-21T23:35:00.000-05:00

It's crazy, because 11:11 means so much to me these days.
And today, 11:11 was the longest minute ever. It was hard, I guess(?). But I'm hoping that the moments longer I'm enjoying will get longer, and the time between them, shorter. It sounds so simple when you break it down -- but it's pretty intimidating. You're pretty intimidating. In a cute sort of way. In a good sort of way.

Well, I wish I was more like that guy on TV: a team of twelve writers crafting my lines, breaking hearts to me, and carrying books. Anyway, this is more of a journal than normal. I guess that's because no one will ever read it. And if they do, they won't be in on it. I think that maybe if I had just gone along with all of those chains and done everything they asked, then maybe things would be working out. Because right now it feels like "you'll have bad luck for ten years!"

I have a request.
This is short, this is simple, but don't stop talking.

you said the rain's the rain.

2006-10-15T00:21:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I made myself a promise that I would give this a shot when I got home from work. Meaning it's past midnight. Meaning that this will probably swing back and forth between subdued and... not subdued. If you follow.

People have to talk to me. That's kind of disconcerting. But pleasing. In a kind of dark and unfortunate way. It means I've got a placement. But then, on the other hand, some people are not talking to me. And that freaks me out.

Enough of the short sentences. I hope that by the end of this I'll have done something more than just paragraphs -- something that'll show signs of the old me still existing. Because the old me died for a while. If you noticed that just means you're on top of things, if you didn't then there's no blame. You may not have. The new me gets me in a lot more trouble (apparently), and I don't know if it's worth it. I've got things I'm working towards, again, and a couple of familiar feelings with enough change for me to chase after them.
The sucky part being that I won't know if that change is for better or for worse until after. I'm not sure what the old me would've done.
Was the old me this shy?
This afraid of taking chances?
Or am I actually afraid to take chances?
I can't remember. Anyone?

I certainly feel different. And I do have regrets, and some much more recent ones, but I don't know what to do with them. I can't honestly say that I handled everything right, or that I ever handle things in the best way (hooray for self-sacrificial!), but I can't do anything about that, now can I?
That's probably a lie. But I guess part of me doesn't want to do anything about it. I guess part of me died this year. Or perhaps a while ago. But has that part been given new life?

So maybe the best way for me to reconnect with myself is to bring it back to the basics. Back to what I started on April 2, 2005.
I want to start over with what I've got now.
I want to watch the stars from a trampoline.
I want to not be alone.
I want to be able.
I want to know that there's a chance for more than two years.
I want to know that this will never end, and if it will, I don't want to hear it.
I want to keep dreaming when things start to heat up.
I want to keep myself under control.
I want to really think before I act.
I want to make impulsive choices and only feel regret if it was bad for someone else.
I want to dry out my gloves and shoes over a furnace duct in the winter.
I want to start focusing on the phsyical, and less on the mental.
I want to lose my wallet and have it returned to me.
I want to get a dog in university.
I want to wear a tie to school.
I want to be there for someone who needs it.
I want to play guitar next to a campfire, with no one there to hear it.
I want to be more personal.
I want to win a draw.
I want to finish an entire coloring book.
I want to go on a road trip with close friends.
I want to have the thing I want to never end go on forever.
I want to let the little things always be enough.
I want to not be afraid of a little negativity or pessimism, once in a while.
I want to have a bad day sometimes.
I want to surround myself with people who will just get it when I need to throw something.
I want to help someone finish their list.
I want to be on someone's list.
I want to be okay with it when I do things that never matter or are never seen.
I want to sit on a swing with someone, and let that be enough.
I want to go in for my kid's career day.

don't be afraid
to revisit your old goals
sometimes.

2006-10-02T16:21:00.000-05:00

You know, I stopped coming here for this very reason. Oh well, I'm here, and I guess this is what I consider leaving it up to a mix of my self-control and chance...

You know what, nevermind. I'll do this later.

you could be my heroin

2006-09-06T21:09:00.000-05:00

This is a good week for cluttered desks and clean lockers.
This is a good week for a train wreck.
This is a good week for looking back and seeing everything is just repeated and that you haven't gotten anywhere.
This is a good week for taking a step forward and, oh, I don't know, jumping.

I guess what makes me different from all of you is that I know the answer. And that brings a little thing called the burden of knowledge. It's real, and it shows up whenever you're not alone. Imagine yourself in an Oh Henry! commercial -- minus the quick fix. The dollar-twenty solution to all of your problems.

So, yeah, maybe I am trying to pull a fast one on all of you. Trying to keep my foot in the door while revelling in the sunshine. Call me Icarus and get it over with. Because that might just wrap it all up. I'm Icarus, not once, but twice. So, if I'm Icarus and the sun is coming at me from all sides -- I probably shouldn't have burnt all those bridges.
Allow me to do something for myself: to resign myself to whatever the sun may do -- just this once. Allow me to crash and burn and wait until after all of that to tell me that you saw this coming from a mile away. Maybe then, when I forgive you for reading my journal, reading into that part of me I didn't want out, maybe then I'll be ready to do this with a second set of wings.

"Call me Icarus, and I'll sleep tonight.
Call me Icarus, and you'll probably still be right.
Because as long as I'm trying to reach the stars with these burnt up wings and tethered arms
I'll be your Icarus, and you'll be my sun."
-Andy

"Hooch is crazy."

2006-08-24T00:01:00.000-05:00

I was hit with this sudden urge to, you know, do this whole thing. And I didn't need anyone to berate me or remind me or anything. Maybe I've been a little off this week. Or however long it was. All I know is it all started at the same time I was trying on t-shirts and trying out intros and cranking out funny little thoughts.
I guess you could say... I'm a little bit under-reactive. Or maybe I'm just putting things off, like my schoolwork and this thing.

Hold on. I'm going to get a snack.
And possibly some real affirmation of character.
Frick.

And now I'm back with an egg sandwhich. So much so that I'm ready to start breaking down my entire life. My entire existance. Just name a topic and I'll go for it... you unbelievable witch.
If only I knew where to start. Anyway, Since You're All Just Sitting around Waiting For something to Happen. I think I'm going to kick it oldschool by doing something newschool. And by that, I mean, I'm going to try and be avant garde again. To be the unexpected, the unpredictable, the--
OhcrapIthinkIjustateWebmail.

I think the key to my coming through and actually doing something revolutionary tonight relies on me either being ridiculously happy, or completely crushed. We'll see where I end up by the end of the night when all the moments of pretending to be rock stars, sitting out on back porches, and wishing somebody understood you climax into one epiphany-ridden, mind-bending, guilt-tripping, half-awake, brain-dead, teenage-angst, dead-beat, insincere moment with everyone breaking down into tears and sweat and lying on their beds with their red hoodies and their boyfriends or girlfriends wondering what the hell in God's name just happened to them overnight.
Gee, you're swell.
It just started. Right there. This whole thing started right then.

Let's stick with the superficial for a moment. I'm almost done with my friggen Young Drivers instructor. Hooray.
My workplace is cliquey. Aw frick.
I'm wearing a tie at midnight. Heck yes.
I'm wearing a wire bracelet from grade seven. How appropriate.
I can't make eye-contact with a webcam and it's pissing me off to the point where I had to stare at a mirror for a minute to keep from going insane. I'm mentally fricked.

So my mood just changed in the twenty minutes between typing that last thing... So let's see where that takes this.
Is the happy me a little more introspective? A little more "OhcrapIdon'tactuallyknowwhyIdidthat!" Or perhaps, just wants to go to Miami; or back to the Gold Rush.

So have I always been perfectly honest? No.
Have I even been perfectly honest on this thing? No. Which is ridiculous, seeing as I'm lying to a computer screen.
That's it. I'm done.

Now do me a favor and think before you speak.

Some things I've learned about myself:

2006-08-14T23:58:00.000-05:00

Physically:
I take temperature in the weirdest way.
My body is connected. When one part of me is sick, the rest of me gets sick.
My head is not.

Habitual:
Midnight snacks are awesome.
I want what I can't have. Then when I have it, I don't want it anymore.
Every night I'm sure of something. It doesn't last.

Whatever. I've always hated being this cliche. Or just being cliche. So much for avant garde. So much for that whole "You remind me of an indie band" thing. What I'm saying is that there are times when you'll talk it out, and even if you haven't figured it out, the other person has you figured out. And most of the time it's because you don't want to hear what they figure out. Maybe it's not true and they just say it because they know you never will. Or maybe they're right, and if they know you well enough, they probably are, and they're just saying it because they know you never will.
That's so two nights ago.

But as far as I'm concerned, I can just listen to my "Hopeless Romantic" playlist and watch some TV about unrequited love. It begs the question: Can I actually go until September living off of the writing I'm doing, the guitar I'm playing, the music I'm listening to, the things I'm seeing, and the face I just can't quite make out? I had a dream about a year ago -- and I'm pretty sure it was true. And that it will come true. The problem was I remember everything about that dream except for one thing. And that one thing I haven't remembered since I woke up that night. That dream was my happy ending; that dream was my surprise twist. And I don't know who was in it.
But, on the bright side, it still means I have my happy ending to think about. And maybe I'd rather not know and be able to live without cheating and the proverbial skipping-to-the-end.

I'm not done yet. Because I don't think I've said enough. I don't think I'm being clear, so I'll go for quantity rather than quality of clues.
Clues to what? My me, of course!
Ee!

--
treefriend2.0

I finally found the one song that expresses everything I feel about girls. And that's cool for me. It's my approach, totally. But it's all mine(!), so don't even bother(!).

Haha, I said 'girls.' My God, that's going to come back to haunt me. In more ways than one, mind you.
Notice I've lightened up, considerably. Let's see how long that lasts.

Do you like apples? I got my employee code number for Blockbuster. Not a big deal, right? Wrong(!)! Now I can get ten free rentals a week. I think this means I'll be finishing my chemistry ILC early so I can watch movies in second period. How do you like d'em apples(!)?
(It's all in the delivery.)

Perhaps the Loneliest Sixteen Year Old Boy Born in Cambridge and Living in Mississauga,
- Andy

P.S. Jimmy Eat World's album Futures is good for nights when you just don't know what you want.
P.P.S. That's a polaroid at the top that my dad took some time ago. Older than me, I can tell you that. Anyway, it's much better quality and more impressive in person. I had to touch it up because my mom blew it up.

"it's true... one wasn't true..."

2006-08-04T10:06:00.000-05:00

I get scared with all of the noise coming from nowhere. Coming from no sound. It's just White Noise getting angry. "That's some storm..." Some wind. But I suppose I can always hide behind my door; behind my guitar; behind my phone. Sound familiar? I scare easy.
I just cover my ears and scream, "Pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty!"

I'm one of those wannabe everything's. Apparently Achilles had an Achilles heel. Apparently no one told him. And apparently we all have a weakness. And apparently that's okay. But apparently it's not if you don't know what it is. Someone should've told Achilles. Apparently you still can.
So I just cover my ears and say, "Pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty."

So while frogs throw themselves at my window to get out of the storm, and my dog is, no doubt, cowering in a closet somewhere, and me wondering what the hell everyone else thinks glory is, things start to fall into place. I lied to you -- this year is just as bad as last. And maybe this year won't be our best, or even better. But I'm the first to admit, that with how bad it's been already, how can it not be getting better? I just lose track of the time, and eventually I miss you so much I can't sleep.
I just cover my ears and say, "Pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty," and eventually the words don't mean anything.

EDIT// circa 3.40am
Well, my ROASTED SUNFLOWER SEEDS SALTED were the only thing keeping me "sane" while I couldn't fall asleep, due to a choking problem. While I was doing everything short of making myself throw up (it was a last resort I was saving -- luckily I discovered the sunflower seeds), I came up with a lame-ass (pardon the French -- I was up at four in the morning.) analogy. You were my sunflower seeds. And I hope you still are.
Get back to me.

Oh. And I know what I'm going to say, now.

'cause if you gots d'poison, i gots d'remedy.

2006-07-20T22:01:00.000-05:00

Well, first off: I'm tearing it and gently folding it with a 60 day free trial of .Mac! So find the new link along the side and do that thing you do. I'm just figuring it out, so it'll be a bit... different. In nature.

So karma's all cool, except when it's bad. Now, I know what you're all thinking, "Gee Andy, thanks for that key piece of information. Never would've figured that one out." But seriously.
Basically, this summer has been a step forward. A small one. But a step nonetheless. Moving forward from the usual two months of wasted time and drifting in a world of TV, water bottles, swimming pools, summer sports, and lollipops. Right.

So check out Pilate, Augustana, and The Fray.

Sleep tight,
Andy still loves you.

you have stolen my, you have stolen my

2006-07-09T16:59:00.000-05:00

It was a long night for Billy. A long night and an empty glass of gin that had never been refilled. "Come on."

Billy was an idiot. A fool. A damn fool. A loser. A loner. As far as being a screw-up goes, he didn't need any help. As far as being a perpetual let down goes, he didn't need any help. So he wrote, and he flew, and he tried to put distance and time between his mistakes and his unmistakeable mistakes. But that wouldn't work, because she was his mistake. "Ha! Fate - 17. Everybody Else - 0."

The great thing about bars was that they let you stay for as long as you want, so long as you aren't there. The great thing about Billy's bedroom is that it didn't give a damn. So Billy could lie there, there and all, and think, and forget, and let down, and fail, and fall, and get worse and worse as the minutes piled up. And the bedroom would forgive too. The bedroom would lose its power and the lights would dim, the noise would stop, the distractions were gone, and the clock read eights. So Billy was getting worse -- but not in that room. In that room -- Billy was safe. Safe from her, from them, from it all. Except for himself. Billy tore at himself about it all, about them all, about her. And in that way they found their way into his bedroom. His lonely, cold, warm, and speechless bedroom.

And he would write. Write words, write poems, write stories, write this, write things that would never leave his room.
"As far as being a screw-up goes, I don't need any help. As far as being a perpetual let down goes, I don't need any help. As far as being a knight in shining armor goes, I'm the worst." What was Billy's problem?

Billy wrote, and Billy stored, and Billy planned, and Billy let slip by, and Billy was getting worse and worse -- but at least he didn't know it when he was in that room. But eventually he would have to leave, eventually he would have to leave that room. And he would face it all. Face them all. Face her. Face himself. Face Hell and the part of Hell that is just being apart from the ones you love because you were an idiot.

Check.

And Billy wrote.
"I could blame you for the ridiculous range of emotions I've felt for the last two years. I could blame you for the ridiculous amount of fun I've had this year. I could blame you for all the things I've written. I could blame you for the ridiculously late nights. I could blame you for this room. I could blame you for everything I don't regret." Billy's problem was that he was afraid of something he couldn't put his finger on. And meanwhile it was putting its hands on his shoulders and dragging him down. Billy's hand was reaching for the light and the surface and the day and the water's edge.

And Billy wrote.
"So, what keeps you from just leaving that shore? Is it your grace, your charm, your heart so brave? Do not find me just as drowned as before. Where will you be when the sea meets the shore?"

Billy is a teenage dirtbag, baby. "Haha!" And Billy can laugh. And Billy will be there, just you wait and see. As long as he just keeps breathing.

"A revolution without dancing is a revolution not worth having!"

2006-06-30T17:45:00.000-05:00

So life is boring when you're stuck in Drivers Ed. for seven hours. But you get some solid thinking done -- and when that fails, you go insane.

These are so mini, it's insane. Like I was at the time. Anyway, I have to say that I'm not as proactive as I was planning on being. And when I was planning, I was even thinking about how it never works. I'll start being proactive, because that feeling is like finding spider webs on your hands.

[cut off] "Turkey 26 lives in hut 26"

I now own The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, and it only cost me $2.44, plus shipping. eBay at midnight rocks. I want to drive right now. I also see the Chloroform bottle on my desk and want to make movies. It's fricking annoying to be sitting around doing nothing -- especially now that I should be driving.

I'm beginning to really like Broken Social Scene. The concert helped. Understanding them helped. Ibi Dreams of Pavement helped.
[cut off] "Twiggy the ostrich is 6 feet tall!"

That's basically it, right now. That, and I let someone get away, but that's alright. That, and it's not. January 2005:
she asked me, but i responded, "no, i'm not engaged. i promise."

she asks funny questions.

...presents SUPERMAN in technicolor

2006-06-19T22:05:00.000-05:00

I'm glad we always start off our lovely time together with a song:
Miss Delaney
Whatcha sad for?
You waited by the window
And I was kicking down your door
Miss Delaney
Where's your boyfriend?
He isn't up in heaven
So why treat him like he's dead?
Miss Delaney
Miss Delaney - Jack's Mannequin

Anyway, I just thought I'd make sure I'd keep you all informed of the on-goings in my sporadic commentary of life and things that rhyme with "gate".
'Cause I now have things to do, which is cool, because most of them I'm going to enjoy. And my schedule is looking possibly wicked for next year.

"We'd still die."
"We'd still what?"
"If the elevator cable snapped, even if we timed it all perfectly and jumped up right before impact, we'd still be crushed to death. I wish I'd have taken the stairs."
"Me too... This is my floor."
"Lucky bastard."

Anyway, I'm putting my G1 off for another two days. Waiting 'til Thursday, which is a drag, but a neccessary evil, I suppose. But I guess that means I'll be working on my history for a while soon. Oh, I found a jackpot source of vintage cartoons -- pretty frickin' awesome. Superman, Bugs Bunny propaganda, Mighty Mouse, Casper, and the like.

So I'm off.

Screw you all with your dedication to studying.

mad-hatter

2006-06-12T22:08:00.000-05:00

If I could open up my heart
And let her out
I would never have to sing her name aloud
It was your "hello" that kept me hanging on every word
And your "goodbye" that keeps me listening
For your voice around each corner
I was hanging on every word
And your "goodbye" that keeps me listening
For your voice around each corner
It keeps me listening for your voice around each corner
She Changes Your Mind - Copeland

Well, I'm done the play, I'm past the movie, and ideally, I'm free!(..?) But here's the kicker, I'm probably not. Ah well, such is life. I bet you've all been wondering what mad-hatter adventures the A-to the-P has been romping around in, but I'll be brutally honest... It's nothing much to brag about. Weeee've been:
in a play
done a movie
making friends
being a lawyer
seeing movies
watching Boston Legal
listening to good music again
not using my camera enough
missing deadlines
taking notes on lines paper
printing off ideas
drafting songs
creating scenes in the mind for later use
All of that and moooore!
What a deal. So the issue I have to bring up to public discussion today is Why, in God's name, do we do what we do in God's name?
Touché, cliché.

But seriously, I'm beginning to wish my life was more like a sitcom -- or better yet, a fairy tale. Where's my 30 minute problem solved that would just make things so much easier? Where's the ending I was waiting for? Where's the perfect thing to say the moment you need it? Well it bloody well isn't here.
So we weep for the dead and gone hope of a fairy tale life. My my, childhood was easier.

Here's to the fairy tale complex.
Here's to the microphone complex.
Here's to the girl complex.
Here's to the complex.

But, in the absence of the fairytale ending -- allow me to at least try for the right words.

I know I'm a mess. And I know I don't deserve to be a mess. I should be so much more put together than this, I have what it takes. I have all the gifts I need to be whatever I want, but I'm not. And I've finally figured out why. Because you can have the most beautiful image imaginable, but the minute you begin examining the pieces, you split apart those pieces. And just now, I've realized I'm missing some of those pieces. And that's my fault for losing those pieces -- I should be better than that -- I should know better.

Allow me to leave you with this,
I'm a helpless romantic,
And that can't be born lightly.

hysterical and...

2006-05-22T18:35:00.000-05:00

In case you haven't noticed, I've been on a bit of a analogy tear. So expect at least on of those by the end.

How many of you have struggled with the identity of God? Putting mortal boundaries on an immortal God; putting finite boundaries on an infinite God; putting natural boundaries on a supernatural God? I have. But I think right now I've reached a point where my faith has taken over my doubts, and I can't see the world without God. Now if only my actions could fall in line.

How many of you are familiar with beauty making you feel a sense of calm? When a color, a sound, a face just takes all of the stress of the day away? I am. Thank you for teaching me about that. So now simple things can make me fall in love -- or break my heart. Excellent.

How many of you have been a part of our movie? A lot of you. Thank you. We got attacked by birds.

How many of you watched the fireworks this weekend? I like the colors, and the sound. My dog doesn't appreciate them, because she's color-blind and afraid of the noise. What a shame.

How many of you have experienced insomnia? I have, this week. Took me a while to get back to a working state, but at least I can blink when I want to, now. And it figures, the day I drink the least coffee this week is the day I get the least sleep.

How many of you are coming to our play? All of you. Because we've resorted to listening to Simple Plan and Linkin Park while we paint set to keep our selves from going sane. Heartbreaker.

How many of you want to contribute to the "Refund Andy's Money After Stolen iPOD?" (RAMASI for short...er...) I still need to buy a macro lens, a Polaroid camera, and some other stuff. Update: applying to BlockBuster -- and cheating the tax system. God, I love my family and their smart-ness. We're starting a companyyy! Eee!

How many of you are going to go home and listen to:
How to Save a Life - The Fray
Trust Me - The Fray
Hallelujah - Teddy Geiger
Letters to Noelle - Something Corporate
Take on Me - Aha
White Collar Boy - Belle & Sebastian
Fair - Remy Zero
In the Sun - Joseph Arthur
Eli, the Barrowboy - The Decemberists
?

How many of you want to try something new?
And now for something completely different. Matching games (oh, and, launching Name-That-Game)!

"I'm scared of lightning."
"'Deal or No Deal'?"
"You're like an egg..."
"Touch me and I will follow / in your afterglow."
"No one lives here!"
"I think I can resist."
"No, I'm not going to be in your sex movie."
"Steve, you're dead!"
"I need some tear water."
"You were hoping I was dead."

Mr. Peters
Justin Horlings
James Vanderveen
Tim Ubbens
Brent Knibbe
Jackie DeJong
Nathan Kalk
Mr. Heinbuch
Andy Philp
Steve Biersteker

GoGo!

But you're alive!

2006-05-05T23:11:00.000-05:00

"So what if you catch me? Where would we land?"
Be forewarned, it's 12.15 right now. I may be tainted.

I'm staring down highlighters and receipts, scrap pieces of paper lying on top of my keyboard and guitar. This is not how I live. My jeans have a hole in them, my shirt has a firetruck on it, my futon has a sweater on it, and I don't care about any of that. Right now, I'm thinking about deeper things. I get stuck on things like: "Is God metaphorical?" "Are we children or adults?" "If we know it's not our fault, why do we still believe it is?" As for the last one, I think we like to know who to blame -- and if you couldn't do anything to stop it, you seem like a good person to blame.

"And you were, somehow."

Dear God, what does the sun really look like -- without the clouds?
Headphones and bottlecaps sit a few inches from me, broken glasses watch the TV unceasingly. I'm a baseball hat away from white trash, but that's just because it's late.

"So what if you catch me? Where would we land?"

I was working on a parting gift, but I had no where to go, so I kept it inside. I was hoping to make it beautiful enough to give, but I was getting no where. So I took it from my heart, and brought it to my head -- and it lost some of its beauty... But I'd rather give it away than keep it in its full beauty.
If I could reach the sky, I'd give you the moon. The moon would be yours, and you could hold it in the palm of your hand and it would match your eyes. Eyes that shine with the light of the sun, and the world grows dark when they're closed. And everyone waits and watches you sleep to see when the light will return. And when you sleep we all dream. We dream of nights under the stars, sitting in a tree, and falling asleep in the arms of the one who we always knew we would end up with.

"When you'd hide your songs would die.
So I'd hide yours with mine.
And all my words were bound to fail.
I know you won't fail.
See, I can tell."

2006-05-01T20:49:00.000-05:00

i'm planning things that are secret.
i'm trying to stay healthy.
i'm working things out in my head when i should at least be doing it out loud.
i'm making a movie.
i'm planning more movies.
i'm wishing i was taking more pictures, but at the same time, wondering what's up with these judges...
i'm wanting to go to the zoo and the circus -- but not alone.
i'm listening to radiohead.
i'm hungover (ish).
i'm wearing a fedora.
i'm using my picks.
i'm watching romeo+juliet and feeling more positive in one scene than i have in a few months.

"With you, every day is Saturday
With you, every word you say is like a song
With you, well, everything is obvious"
Hallelujah - Teddy Geiger

On that note:
With you, leaving is so hard.
With you, things are unexpected, but not frightening.
With you, people are so much less real.
With you, everything makes less sense.
With you, that's a good thing.
With you, I hold on longer.
With you, each effort is multiplied.
With you, Hallelujah.

"Well, I found you, I found you
I found you, Hallelujah."

Charlie Chaplin

2006-04-20T19:53:00.000-05:00

I'm at another one of those lows.

Let's go to Parent-Teacher Interviews and get your self-confidence boosted. Yippee.
I'm so mad right now that it just hurts to think straight. Yes, that's right folks, you finally heard it. Andy is actually mad and it may be noticeable. It's just the mix of stress, frustration, and relationships that are just constantly wearing me out and dragging me down.

No, this isn't just some teenage-angst notice-me cry of how hard life is and how nothing is going right. And yes, I'm actually pissed off. And no, I don't regret saying that. But now I have a choice: How do I respond to this? I could listen to some good emo music and Something Corporate, I could release this anger and passion into something artistic, I could surpress it, or I could finally let it out and let people know how much they piss me off and not be that guy who will always be the one to lighten the mood or listen to your problems. And no, I can't see any other options, and no, don't tell me what other options I have. Because I'm getting sick of that. At least, right now.

So do me a favour and try to be normal for a little while without me. I'm not working right. Not right at all. My brain is burning, and I think it's because I have no way of coping with stress.

I think this would be a good time to go on a black and white spree.

Everything is black and white, and that's all it is.
And I don't believe that.

Face it, Andy's just exhausted.
-Andy
ps. Andy still loves you. And he hopes you'll still love him tomorrow.

"Everything you are is so beautiful, Everything I am wants to be like you, Jesus."

I Am Not Into the Idea of Living Without You

2006-04-10T20:01:00.000-05:00

"Love, life, one speaks for the other one, here."

And yes, I did have a good time. And yes, I'd do it again. And maybe my door is always open and it's never too late or too early.

"Isn't it alright? Why can't it just be?"

I'm sure summer will be a time for me to thrive and grow and learn and love. Or maybe it will be that time when your heart aches to see that one special person, your ears ache for that incessant noise you hated, your eyes burn for that face that greeted you five days a week, and those arms that you knew you could run into at the first sign of danger.

"Because love is a marathon, that's why you get tired so fast everyone. Slow down and pace yourself, because when it's good it's a long, open road."

But I'm almost back to that point where I'm consciously breathing. And I have to think about it, and think about it, and think about it so I don't die. I don't want to die.

"So carry on young gentlemen. I have done all that I can. I have done all that I'll stand for."

I'm noticing that nothing is free anymore. There's always a catch. A catch for samples, a catch for contests, a catch for lotteries, a catch for friendships, a catch for kindness, a catch for relationships, a catch for girls, a catch for faith. All of these are making my spring cleaning that much harder. And I'm cleaning my desktop, my closet, my head, and my friendships. Thinking things over and working through what I forgot to. And that's the problem with dreams -- no one censors them to keep you from dreaming too big, to small, too dark, too impossible, too perfect. And if all we can count on now is dreams for a dose of what we really want, and all dreams are out of your reach, then it's no wonder we're spiraling around the drain.
My Dream:
LOOK AT ME, MOM, I'M A SINK! AND THEY'RE ALL FALLING INTO ME!

Get all that?
Andy loves you.

2006-03-26T21:00:00.000-05:00

I'm drawing up a plan. A plan that'll get me where I want to be and what I want. Not where I need to be. Naught what I need. So I've got this plan. It's good, it's long, and it's fool proven. God, I love plans.

2006-03-19T08:31:00.000-05:00

So I have actual stuff to say written down somewhere (I know...), but right now it's not here. So I'll just give a short summary:
I caught a plane
I rode that plane
I got off that plane
I /didn't/ get lost
I found a pizzeria
I took some pictures (482)
I saw a play
I saw stonehenge
I came home
I couldn't sleep because I was having play withdrawl (honest to God)

2006-03-04T23:54:00.000-05:00

Thursday, March 2:
how are we all doing?
i'm switching between watching Lost and listening to Cartel. really taken a liking to them in the past week. and thinking about how the play is going.
"so, uh, when is this barricade gonna fall anyways?"

now, for some impromptu poetry:

nose like a clown
and a face to match
oh my love,
you're quite the catch

tear-stained make-up
dried on your cheek
i hear what you're saying
before you speak

off to the circus
hide in the ring
find photographic evidence
of the pumpkin king

Saturday, March 4:
she loves me not, she loves me not, she loves me not.
"and i'm drying out, crying out, this isn't how i go. hurry now, lay me down, and let these waters flow."
never in my life could i have foreseen i would be spending $16 on a pack of gum. Much less buying nicotene (for a friend, ha).

a new kind of montague

2006-02-13T20:07:00.000-05:00

okay, because i've done nothing so far. the you who exists wherever, i love you i love you i love you.
that's done.

so after valentines it'll be time to go out and get some dirt cheap/1940's cheap candy. like candy hearts -- i miss you too. and i watched romeo + juliet and first, it's a brilliant story. i'm loving it, and loving love. well, should figure that out. give me two minutes to grab a drink. and back.

time for a few announcements: i'll be in england for march break. i'm also in another scene in the play.
so what's worse than losing a tournament to kids you should have gone to school with? being sick while you're doing it -- and later wondering whether you belong. so do i belong? shoud i be here? what if i had gone to king's? you know what i wish i had, a friend i knew for longer than five years.

romeo: "i dreamt a dream last night"
mercutio: "and so did i"
romeo: "and what was yours"
mercutio: "that dreamers often lie"

ps. "tempt not a desperate man."
-a new kind of montague

treefriend:

2006-02-05T15:26:00.000-05:00

treefriend:
Originally uploaded by age_six_racer.

well, we've all learned some valuable lessons. me, i've learned that, even if you do see a hawk in your backyard, if you're sick and it's snowing -- at least grab a sweater before you go outside. so yeah, the hope is that i don't lose my voice before the play. because i might. i'm infected, or something.

whatever. but i have stopped and taken the time to update my blogs. a sense of satisfaction. but anyway, i hope i don't get sick... sorry, sicker.

i was thinking, overthinking
about exactly how i'm not exactly him
i'll break my heart in two more times than you could ever do
cause you're my dream please come true.
over thinking-relient k

And you never write me letters
And you never sent my sweaters
So I could stay warm when I was without you
Without you I don’t sleep, just dream

She said, “And I wont wait for you forever, while you run around like JFK.
We watched that poor girl waste the best years of her life.
And I’ll be damned if I am going out, I will not go out that way.”
last straw-jack's mannequin

2006-01-22T21:32:00.000-05:00

alright, so it took a mix of procrastination, pro-activism, a deep self-conviction, and the general sense that people were beginning to stop loving me to bring me here.

okay, so i haven't said anything in a while:
1 part unappreciated
1 part undriven
2 parts busy
that, and there are just a bunch of things going on that i'm not going to say here. and, before you ask, no, i don't feel like sharing. i've just been thinking things through rather than letting you all in on what the problem is and before i've thought about it myself.

but don't worry about me.

but with exams coming up i feel obligated to let you know something. i'm not as sure as i used to be. and i'm beginning to feel bad for doing what i said i'd never do. anyway, back to exams. you'll do fine. you will. or you have. or else you'll develop a learning complex.

here's to the complex!

here's to the microphone complex!

here's to the girl complex!

buuuuuuuuuut i have learned four fun songs on the guitar... and that makes me happy. when i say fun i don't mean pop. here's to anchored chords! huzzah! don't even ask.

so i've started thinking less positively about the future, because i've realized that i don't have a plan, or even an idea. so come on.

well? let's have it.

-andy

2006-01-07T12:56:00.000-05:00

$2,846,912.

2006-01-04T20:41:00.000-05:00

Sucks when it hits you:
The only problems I can't fix are my own.

As simple as it sounds, can you say it this and mean it:
I'll save my life for something good.

You know what, it took me fifteen years to finally diagnose myself. I've got some sort of fear of a blank canvas. I think there's a scientific name for it. Something like "an artist," or something like that. There's a cure. It's called "a good artist." Can't wait to get me some of that. But until then, you'll have to wait until I've got something important to say before I say anything. That's just how it goes -- but don't count me among the dead, because they'll bury me in the snow.

I'm beginning to think Job is my book. I'm beginning to think a lot of things. Like puzzles are fun, dogs are still cute, cute is still good, bombs still aren't my friends, jobs are still in, my eyes might always burn, i'm going to need more sleep, Arrested Development makes me laugh, Starbucks is just down the road, a breakdown may be in order, tickets will be sold, I'll be going to Cornerstone, hopefully, math is just that thing you have to do, I could name my kids right now, I can learn how to play songs that means something (no offence, Claire de Lune, Hot Cross Buns, the works), that "everything feels like the movies" (but not in the way I want it to), and that you just might be too Real. Yeah. Too Real, too Right, too Much, too Good, too late. Just, honestly, too too late.

- Lost my arm
On the Animal Farm,
andy

but the driveway's clear / you pray for silence

2005-12-19T22:57:00.000-05:00

guide to a good time:

1. guitar
2. jones soda
3. sharpie
4. cammy
5. witness
6. dart board
7. polaroid cammy
8. records
9. creek

"i wake up to find it's another four asprin morning"

come on. this is more of a Circus than it is a hospital. the first thing on my to do list for the break is to try and forget, then figure out what's going wrong with me. i'm getting injured by doing nothing. maybe some resigning is in order. But of what?

"i take the stairs to car and there's fog on the windows."

maybe i'll do that now:
1. forget everything.
2. memorize lines.
3. learn some songs... rescued, 'round here, crash into me, come what may, spiders, comfortable, split screen sadness.
4. write some.
5. come home.
6. work with cammy.
7.
8. drink more from glass bottles.
9. blast through some books and their corresponding reports.

starting to realize that my life is so brutally awkward, and i bet someone somewhere is entertained.
at least my ratings would go up.

"i grip the wheel and all at once i realize:"

when something as simple as an EP is relevant, then you've got something going for you.

"my life has become a boring pop song, and everybody's singing along."

by the way, it's www.byanthem.tk now. but if you're at tdchristian, it's still blogspot. 'cause my school blocked my .tk splash page.
if that was over your head, don't worry.

night,
- park hotel

the used - blue and yellow

2005-12-14T19:40:00.000-05:00

Should've done something
But I've done it enough
By the way your hands were shaking
Rather waste my time with you

-and I mean that.


if it's worth saying, it's worth saying it so someone'll swoon.


 New meaning to the Elephant Love Medley. Yes there is.
 I'm just exploring this whole new realm of possibilites... it's sort of mind-numbing, in a way. And I'm not sure I was quite
ready for it all at once. But now it's a bit late for second thoughts, now isn't it? But maybe I should be done second-guessing
myself. Which is really ironic, because you may think that everything I say has meaning. Wrong. I just sit here and type.


a·stound (-stound)

tr.v. a·stound·ed, a·stound·ing, a·stounds

To astonish and bewilder. See Synonyms at surprise.


v : affect with wonder;

A new flashy camera!

2005-12-11T14:11:00.000-05:00

IMG_0451
Originally uploaded by age_six_racer.

So I think this counts as growing up...
No? Dang.

Well, I didn't actually end up buying a camera from Henry's -- but Blacks. Even if there wasn't a price difference, the Blacks staff was nicer.
Either way:
Blacks 1264.99 - Andy 0

But hey, they give you a refund if you can find a better deal in the next 60 days -- and I did! So money back.
Blacks a little less - Andy just enough to get by

But I found some other pictures from before the new cammy, so that's what's on ByAnthem right now, so you'll have to wait a bit longer for the fruits of my... play. But you'll see less of the pictures I like, because hopefully (the way it's working out now) I'll like more.

8 megapixels. Daaaaaaang.

Sleep tight,
Maddie prep

2005-12-07T22:55:00.000-05:00

How much fantastic are you?
About this much!
Yeah, you're about that fantastic.

Countdown update: 2-ish days. I've found me a Henry's!
Right on.

Someone once said, "Perhaps the feelings that we experience when we are in love represent a normal state. Being in love shows a person who he should be." That would've been Anton Chekhov
He was pretty smart.

Things going well for you? Well then:
"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." - Abraham Lincoln.
You've got this chance, don't miss it.

Somehow I feel strangely calm in all of this. That's the third time I've felt so unbelievably relaxed that it's numbing. I'm stark-raving calm. It's explosive -- and yet catchy. I could easily get addicted to this.

things
always
take
longer
than
they
seem
.
I figured that one out not so long ago. Guess when I was supposed to figure it out? So long ago. And there's just something about white, shiny things that makes all of that go away. Chairs, chairs, the magical fruit. The more you eat the more you can't sit and stuff. Bummer.

"To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead." - Bertrand Russell

So notice the majestic not-use of yellow in this whole dang thing. You don't need yellow to make it pretty, kids. And besides... I can't read it.

Fine. Let's play UnScramble The Words;

so i love you... badly...
YOUR TIME STARTS... NOW.

-madison prep

2005-11-30T23:14:00.000-05:00

it's that moment where you have to decide to be long-winded or to just go listed that i hate.
i'm not saying that i don't preplan my words...
...kay, now i am...

in case you ever get stopped by the RIDE program, it's more fun than you think. just a tip: don't be drunk, eh?

after some artistic encouaragement of the days past (i.e. mcmichael art gallery à la français). but without tripping over some failed attempt at being a lyricist, optimist, antagonist, chemist, or narcissist, i've got nothing. anyway...

"♥ the ," officially kicks off right now.

without dragging on and on about things you don't want to hear, i think i'll share something.
i'm really not as _______ (stupid/smart/stable/saintly/sociable) as i seem.
don't plan on such a clever set of words as that by fluke again.

this is what i get for being unprepared.

just an update on msn.com's top five searches:
5. Crying statue (is this some sort of relic? i've heard of the crying statue of mary before. is this new?)
4. Edgar Cayce (yeah, who's that?)
3. Jodie Sweetin (in the top five? you've got to be kidding me. i mean, i've got no clue.)
2. Jessica Simpson (well, she is single again.)
1. World's ugliest dog (what happened here?)

HOW'S ABOUT A QUIZ,

In all seriousness, though. Things just aren't fitting so well together. I'm overscheduled, and it's going to cost me. I'm not talking to the right people whenever I get the chance (which feels like standing on that cliff over the lake at your cottage that one summer). I guess I can blame that on reverting back to my introverted personality... I wish I could be consistant. That'd be a welcome change.

1. What do you think, should I keep you all guessing?

Lately, I wish I could just nail things down like I could in little school. Certainly feeling like a train wreck -- or a hurricane... because a hurricane would let me continue my analogy of nailing things down. Like shingles. Or windows. Or deck chairs. Either way, analogy aside, I'm feeling like I want back to the elementary life (in every essence) -- but it wasn't very rewarding. Maybe if I could redo it I could be a better person.

2. True or False: If Andy redid little school he could be a better person.

I think it's fair to say that I can start the Rebel countdown* without feeling school-girl-ish. The question still remains: what kind of lens am I going to buy? Time to find me someone with knowledge in these departments. Which brings up a thought -- it would suck to work at BestBuy, because the alrams go off almost every other minute. Anyway, with the pending purchase, byAnthem will be dormant for my part until then. Which is beneficial to me, so I can concentrate on better things.

3. Prioritize Andy's Life from 1-11:
- school
- staying in touch
- thinking about the future
- dwelling on the past
- buying christmas gifts
- keeping track of service hours
- fixing the iPod issue (switching computers)
- basketball team
- school play
- photography
- writing

That pretty much captures the essence of some small part of my life... But hey, take what you can get. And my bus broke down today -- twice. I know what you're thinking: the one time he's actually on the bus. But it was actually pretty fun. The eight of us got off the bus, went to Shopper's Drugmart or CoffeeTime and just brought back an assortment of food. "Anybody want a doughnut? Macaroons? Popcorn? Fuzzy Peaches? Pepsi? Buggles?"

4. Which food do you pick? Why?

If you're expecting some deep revelation of my personality, or some revelation of your own -- don't count on it. Sorry if I let you down there, probably should've warned you near the beginning. But you'll learn things about yourself in some of the weirdest places. For instance, I got Beauty and the Beast for Christmas (on Christmas Eve; family tradition) when I was two. I know, eh? But that's not all:
"We can't watch that tonight Andy, it's too late tonight. But maybe tomorrow."
I saw it for the first time when I was thirteen.

5. a) How did you do for revelation of Andy's character? b) Your own?
6. What's the first Christmas gift you remember? Which is the most meaningful?
7. How well are you going to sleep tonight?

*10 DAYS

post.script. ♥ the ,

2005-11-25T16:46:00.000-05:00

today's assembly disturbed me.

2005-11-22T21:52:00.000-05:00

i could so analyze lines from disease (matchbox twenty) right now.
yeah, i think i will.

Feels like you made a mistake
You made somebody's heart break
"whoops, did i break that? oh i'm sorry, i didn't notice. i'll pay for that..."

You left a stain
On every one of my good days
"i've got a stain on my sweater."

No one's ever turned you over
No one's tried
To ever let you down
"you're that great. you are that great."

Beautiful girl
Bless your heart
whoa ho. now he's blessing her? daaaaaang he's in love. or opposite.

I can't live without you
Tell me
What am I supposed to do about it
notice how guys always want to know what we're supposed to do?
that's because we don't want to screw up.

Feels like you're making a mess
"no kidding..."

You're hell on wheels in a black dress
metahpors are great...

Every little thing you do is tragic
ow. ow. ow. ow. ow.
it's beautiful.

Beautiful girl
I can't breathe
...kay... he just changed it up on me.

But leave me be
While my world is coming down on me
you know how often i've wanted to say that?

gah... how's about a few bonus split screen sadness (john mayer) lines?

Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on your porch til' you come back home
Oh, right
I can't find a flight
ha! i love that... "oh, right... i can't find a flight..."

All you need is love, is a lie cause
We had love but we still said goodbye
god...

And it stings when it's nobody's fault
um. yeah. 

So I'll check the weather wherever you are
Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight
"gee, i love you too..."

I called
Because
I just
Need to feel you on the line
Don't hang up this time
And I know it was me who called it over but
I still wish you'd fought me 'til your dying day
Don't let me get away
*click*

Cause I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me
So I can say that this is the way that I used to be
"i cannot believe me."

2005-11-20T15:14:00.000-05:00

what i know:

the most powerful force on earth: eye contact
"can't you see the grass is greener where it rains?" bell x1

what i learned:

relationship is proof of sanity.
"I made him just and right. sufficient to have stood, though free to fall." -john milton
dueteronomy 30:19
"the greatest feeling in the world is knowing someone falls asleep thinking about you."

"One more hiss out of you, uh, Hiss, and you're walking to Nottingham." robin hood
"And you can tell everybody that this is your song." elton john

i haven't slept for 10 days, because that would be too long

2005-11-15T19:18:00.000-05:00

advertisement update: so apple wants me to buy an imac g5 for my mom, an ibook g4 for my dad, and ipod nano for my sister, and an airport express for my friend.
first, i don't know why they can't start words with consanents... second, don't have a first. third, don't have any of that money. come on apple, your target advertising is just a bit off.

all the mistakes one life can take, they all finally start to go away... and i feel like i can face the day.

i know there are two t's. forget it.
but you don't want no drama. (that neeeever ever happened)

this'll be short. but i'm thinking i'm not too bad off. and stop thinking i think i'm not fortunate.
stupid older generations.

looking forward to christmas, goodnight
-anday

2005-11-11T21:40:00.000-05:00

oh anastassia,
i'd rather be brent and i combined than be you.
but you're still doing better than me.

oh maggie,
you're swell.
did i do something?

oh boy,
this will be hard to say.
you can hate me later.

oh friend,
we are so alike.
help.

oh brother,
how did you pull it off?
did growing up always suck this much?

i'm going to write an acrostic to ease my mind:

M
A
N

O
H

M
A
N

YOU'RE SWELL

and that made me feel better.

goodnight
goodnight
goodnight
goodnight
goodnight
goodnight
ma coeur

well i can't even bring myself to just leave and publish this.
so forgive me, please, if i break any more hearts tonight. i meant to stop, but i just couldn't.

it'd be nice if someone asked about me once in a while. but what am i saying? that's so selfish and just wrong. i don't deserve to be able to tell anyone about my life, let alone have them listen. let alone have you listen. but you do listen. and i wish i could say thank you enough. and i don't get how you can trust me with everything when i can't even live my own life without it breaking on me.
i talked to an old friend. we're still friends. we've been friends for a long time. he shared his problems and whenever i wanted to say something about me he pulled it back around to him. sure, it may have hurt -- but now i get it. that's what i'm doing. still, i can't get it out of my mind that no one seems to care. and that's hard to grasp. maybe it isn't true, and maybe you'll all tell me that. tell me i'm crazy, that i'm overreacting, that there's nothing wrong, nothing to be afraid of, nothing hiding under my bed or in my closet, or that i need to finally accept that i'm just born to listen. but couldn't they all just be true? because that would be the best out of all of those.
if you had to pick: blind, deaf, or mute? i'd take secret option number four -- colorblind. i almost wish i was partially colorblind. i think i do. but then, i'd probably take mute, out of all of those. but you don't want to hear what i'd pick. what would you pick?
and i just started to realize i don't know enough about my friends.

post script: if you read all that, then i know you listen.
if you didn't, don't feel the need to go back and read it now.
you didn't want to before, and that's fine.

2005-11-06T20:32:00.000-05:00

time for an update?

i really should be doing all that french work right now, or even creating my family tree from adam to noah's sons.

it was really windy today. and i liked that. it must be the wind in your hair, or just the feeling that if you fall, something's there to catch you.
i guess that's why i love reality. when i fall, i know i'm always going to hit something. there's a certainty that can't be bought. certainty feels nice and is increasingly hard to come by. i can't even be sure what i say is interpreted the right way anymore.

i keep looking over at the black binder labeled "CALENDAR" and wonder what exactly that means. or what it means to me.

remembrance day poppy, check
alzheimersociety thunder bay calendar, check
toronto star article on twentysomethings who can't fend for themselves, check
broken headphones, check
(this is sounding more and more like fun, and less and less like john mayer)
elastic band, check
new t-shirts, check
unpersonalized letter to me, check
contacts, check
dog asleep on a pillow on the couch, check
steady cash flow, not so check

but then again, what do i need money for? nothing important... just a camera, cornerstone ticket, lovedrug cd, and an increasing number of movies i want/need to see.
nyeh.

did you know that i have my name written on someone's binder. i wonder if they still use it.

-signed radiotown

p.s.

in response to my dubble bubble comic, i plan on buying the domain name www.girlsdontbite.com

so hands off.

"give me the sunshine"

2005-11-03T01:38:00.000-05:00

this is a stick-up.
give me all of your heart and nobody gets hurt.
promise.
on my favourite line.

but tell me.
does the boy in
the corner mean
so much more now?

oh, and:
marius
loves
cossette.

2005-10-30T22:40:00.000-05:00

so that heart is for me? to keep?

planetary

2005-10-25T19:08:00.000-05:00

p.s. il est juste une réaction(de force). une réaction normale. une imagination honnête.
completely.

dear illusive,
and i'm caught up. being caught up feels good. sometimes it just takes a good unit test to get caught vvv
(being a fool feels better.) wrong.)
up.
nothing like a good unit test to get caught ^^^

getgetgetgetgetgetgetgetgetget it in your(my) head. that was for me. and me only. but you can bor(e me)row it. please, tell me what you think i(am)'m thinking, because otherwise, i'll never know, oh.

compare(me)d to blackouts, this is nothing.
nothing is good. don't take that wrong.
and when i say nothing, none of you will believe that.
did you believe that?

"just before sundown / just one more day i could hold you."

come prepared to meet your fate.
sincerely,
Captain Cooke

p.s. it's just a reaction. a gut reaction. an honest imagination.

j'ai une imag(e)ination honnête.

2005-10-21T19:47:00.000-05:00

soundtrack for my funeral (skip this if you want):
cry on demand - ryan adams
spiders - lovedrug
california - copeland
kite - copeland
brightest - copeland
you love to sing - copeland
when finally set free - copeland
ghost of you - my chemical romance
rescued - jack's mannequin
when paula sparks - copeland
of angels and angles - the decemberists
love is a fast song - copeland
here's everything i've always wanted to say - jamisonparker
fix you - coldplay
marching bands of manhattan - death cab for cutie
what sarah said - death cab for cutie
collide - howie day
burning bridges - jason mraz
the most beautiful things - jimmy eat world
konstantine - something corporate
my sundown - jimmy eat world
as you sleep - something corporate
i won't make you - something corporate
sparkle - jimmy eat world
i'll give - smalltown poets
superman - luna halo
drive - all star united
same - snow patrol
kill - jimmy eat world
world without end - five iron frenzy
pour your love down - audio adrenaline
23 - jimmy eat world
she will be loved - maroon5
older chests - damien rice
cavanaugh park - something corporate
together - phil joel
black star - radiohead
fake plastic trees - radiohead
awake - the scaries
wish you were here - pink floyd
for you to notice - dashboard confessional
so impossible - dashboard confessional
remember to breathe - dashboard confessional
hands down - dashboard confessional
only one - yellowcard
the meaning of it all - plankeye
goodbye - plankeye
somewhere out there - our lady peace
the scientist - coldplay
dare you to move - switchfoot
tears in heaven - eric clapton
the western wall - seven places
along the way - seven places
wishing well - cadet
today - cadet
high tide - cadet
everything you want - vertical horizon
imagine - john lennon
something's missing - john mayer

i've been thinking about when i die. and it's not fun.
don't bring huge bouquets, bring a single flower.
don't make one of those photo collages, just one photo.
don't do a viewing.
and there better be music.
oh, there better.
wear whatever you want.
you don't have to stand.
visitations are good.
do something i would've done. like an elastic band.
cry or don't.
don't try to out-know me. "how did you know andy?"
call me andy, call me andrew, call me captain, call me whatever -- just make it catchy.
don't just sign the guestbook.
don't bother my family -- if they want to sit, let them.
don't say "i just can't imagine" or any variant.
turn off your phone.
sit outside, late that night. or watch a movie. or talk to that special person. or listen to music.

no, i'm not morbid. i'm just circumstantial.

2005-10-21T11:22:00.000-05:00

The only reason I can sleep at night is that I'm not God.

2005-10-15T12:28:00.000-05:00

Sweetest Day

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

Sweetest Day is a pseudo-holiday primarily celebrated in the Midwestern U.S. states of Illinois, Michigan, Ohio and Wisconsin. It is celebrated on the third Saturday in the month of October.

The holiday is said to have begun in the city of Cleveland, Ohio in 1922. Candy store employee Herbert Birch Kingston put together a group of citizens to provide small gifts to homeless people, orphans, and others who had fallen on hard times. This tradition now seems to largely involve giving small presents, such as cards, candy and flowers, to family, friends, and lovers.

This holiday is more well-known in the Northeast, but seems to be making a resurgence as retailers try to capitalize on it -- trying to make another Valentine's Day.

In 2005 Sweetest Day is Saturday, Oct. 15.

2005-10-13T17:58:00.000-05:00

in an effort to make things more interactive:
NAME THAT BALLOON!

welcome to NTB, the show that lets you NAME THAT BALLOON! the rules are simple: you'll give your suggestions, i'll read them, any suggestion by brent will be ignored, we'll then vote on the names.

no, i'm joking. brent, you can still play.

2005-10-11T12:12:00.000-05:00

before you all start going "what happened," think of me.

while you were all at school, i was doing real work.

2005-10-08T08:02:00.000-05:00

Forgive me for quoting A Muppet Christmas Carol.

With a thankful, with a endless joy
With a growing family, every girl and boy
Will be nephew and niece to me
Nephew and niece to me
Will bring love, hope and peace to me
Love hope and peace to me
Yes, everyday will end and everyday will start
With a gratful prayer and a thankful heart

With an open smile and with open doors
I will greet welcome, and what's mine is yours
With a glass raised to toast your health
With a glass raised to toast your health
And a promise to share the wealth
Promise to share the wealth
I will sail a friendly course, file a friendly chart
On a sea of love and a thankful heart

Life is like a journey
Who knows when it ends?
Yes, and if you need to know the measure of a man you simply count his friends
Stop and look around you
The glory that you see
Is born again each day, don't let it slip away
How precious life can be

With a thankful heart that is wide awake
I do make this promise with every breath I take
Will be used now to sing your praise
Used now to sing your praise
And beg you to share my days
With a loving guarantee
That even if we part
I will hold you close in a thankful heart
I will hold you close in a thankful heart
In a thankful heart

Thankful Heart - Muppets

2005-10-05T22:05:00.000-05:00

do not go gentle into that good night

i don't need this right now. get off my case. get off my back. cut me some slack. give me a break.
the last thing i need now is -- you?

no, you're the first thing i need.
and don't you forget it. and don't you forget it. and don't you forget it. and don't you forget it. and don't you forget it. and don't i forget it. and don't you forget it. and don't you forget it. and don't you forget it. and don't you forget it. and don't you forget it. and don't i forget it. and don't you forget it. and don't i forget it.
because i need you. i need you. i need you. i need you. i need you. i need the bold you. i need you. i need you. i need you. i need you. i need you. i need you. i need you.

so, you tell me. when is it best for you?
never?
pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease
good, because i so hate confrontation
and i want you all to answer that, so i'm sure to get the answer i need
write on a piece of paper and give it to me
it sucks. speeking of which, "my job sucks and yours blows"

oh, i promise i'll reflect it right back at you
i'm just a little unwell. i know, right now you can't tell
and i wish i had an airport somday. some days are just so hard

2005-09-25T07:45:00.000-05:00

and i know you're all just dying for an update.

so i'm sick. never better. worse than yesterday. and it feels like i fell asleep on my jaw. so if i had the voice to say anything, i probably wouldn't be able to open my mouth. but it's hard to cough with your mouth closed. so coughing now hurts my throat, chest, and jaw. fun.

i really wish i could throw this all into columns. we'd all be so bloody happy then.

i've got this ad'ware on my computer and it's a pain. so finally i go to "add or remove programs," and the stupid program makes you download anyother program just so you can remove the first one. not to mention, my mom thinks limewire is killing her computer. no mom, just my criminal record.

i think it was the music video that originally got me hooked on "the mixed tape" by jack's mannequin. if you don't like the song, the video's still amazing, i thought. but now i know better than that. this is probably the most solid album since, o*, say damien rice. but while you're here. copeland is getting better and better. now, my top songs of the moment would have to be:
you have my attention - copeland
when finally set free - copeland
count on me - default
half right - jimmy eat world
bad day - daniel powter
rock your body - justin timberlake
burnin bridges - jason mraz
drugs or me - jimmy eat world
that awful memory of yours - copeland
hitchin' a ride - green day
chariot - gavin degraw
if you could read my mind - gordon lightfoot
superman - lazlo bane
i am the walrus - the beatles

i had to clean off my old computer, wipe all my old files. that felt weird. i remember exactly what i was doing when i wrote all of that stuff, and found those pictures. and i think my life just got wiped. i feel wiped. shut up, i know i'm sick.

semi-formal-wha? when? brent, you were listening... right?

release date was moved forward, maybe i'll do something stupid this month.

*get it, "o".
...you did...

2005-09-24T14:05:00.000-05:00

why do i want to know?

for the same reason i skip to the end of a book:
because i need to know everything will end up well.
the kingdom will be safe.
the poor will be rich.
the underdog will win.
the cripple will walk.
the bad guy will be in jail.
the forest will return.
the spring will flow.
the town will be safe.
the king will return.
the people will sing.
the road will be repaired.
the gallows will be destroyed.
the gates will swing wide.
the hero will kiss the girl.

2005-09-21T21:16:00.000-05:00

cabin pressure dropping to 16 kilometers.
we're about to hit some turbulence, because i'm about to do something stupid. we'll see how it goes.

check back in the winter to see if i'm still alive.