The good new is it's not SARS. Woohoo.

Dear class,
Today's word is "maybe."
Today's main topic is "indecision." The curriculum will refer back to this whenever it is deemed appropriate. The professor will return to it whenever he blanks.
Today's soundtrack is Heavier Things, O, and anything Kanye West. Which is a great combination.
Today's movie is Fight Club, for obsession's and confusion's sakes.
Today's TV is The Office Season 2.

This would be what we consider a "large topic". So to make sure I got this completely covered, here I am at 4:00AM, cranking this out for clarity. Actually no, I just don't sleep well anymore and this seemed like an appropriate place to sit and wait for the world to wake up. I'm not a morning person, but I guess if I just start my morning four five hours before everyone else then maybe I will appear to be one. Or, occassionally, seven and a half hours earlier.

As I learned in grade 11 English (as well as grade 10 English, grade 9, grade 8, and grade 7), the way to begin any sort of essay (as unpoetic as it sounds -- face it, that's what we're doing here) is to briefly go over what you will be talking about. I'm going to try to do that, but if you've been here for any length of time longer than two months then you know that it may not work to perfection. So let's list the indecisive topics as best we can: future, trust, maturity, responsibility, and shall we say... "loyalty".

Now it's no secret, I have touched on all of these things at least once (most likely more) before. Some more than others. Some non-stop (if you look). But if I repeat anything I will write it off as either the sickness talking or the fact the maybe somebody just needed to hear it. Yeah... so let's go.

So I had at one point expressed frustration about how it seemed that everyone I knew had their future all planned out and how I felt like the only one who was at a loss for what to do. Since the I growed up. Now I know that almost everyone is struggling with their ideas for what they want to be doing and where they want to be in the next five, ten, two years. I guess for me it's a matter of deciding how risky I want to be. A friend once told me that I should never let risk affect what I want to do or who I want to be. Because either way, if I'm not enjoying it then I might as well have fallen victim to the risk. If that person was a stock, I would invest.
And since I know you're all dying to know, these are some of my ideas (I almost said 'options' -- that would have been silly): actor, director, writer, journalist, psychiatrist, photographer, teacher, and depending how successful any of that is, owning some sort of store. You have no idea how depressing it would be for me to go through all of those and tell you why they might not work -- so I'm not gonna.

While recently I was thinking about a lot of the highlights and lowlights of the China trip (highlights: the bridge, the people, being stared at; lowlights: brothels, smog, having to tell the government that I'm sick), I realized that I'm starting to find out things that make me happy and things that bother me. Like bad families. Bad judgement. Bad streaks. Bad coffee. Bad dates. I really don't feel like delving into it too deeply, but let's just state the obvious for the sake of my conscience: how you raise your kids is important. I have yet to see a kid who was raised poorly turn out as good as they could've been. That's not to say that they can't turn out amazing -- but it could've been better. I'm also not saying that kids who are raised incredibly well can't still turn out to be incredible tools.
This relates to trust... trust me. ("weeeeeeaaaak")
You can tell because the paragraph breaks are single spaced.
I could make a fairly detailed list of what can destroy a relationship (I told you I should have my own store), but as I said before, you have no idea how depressing it would be for me to go through all of those and tell you why they would work. So as my compromise I will explain how trust is a lynchpin for relationships. To make this easy, I won't even talk about how they work with trust, I'll focus on how they don't without it. It's simpler. For instance, I trust my parents to not read over my shoulder... and then they do, and that strains the relationship. Trust gone. Other times the trust was never there, and the party involved knows they were never trusted. I call that a catalyst. Or shooting yourself in the foot.
I don't feel like working on this one anymore -- moving on!

Double spaced.

Speaking of double, I will be tackling the next two topics at the same time. Since for me, the two topics seem to go hand-in-hand when it comes to things that frustrate me or make me indecisive. Probably because of my age, my friends, my not-so-much friends, and the fact that people are inherently stupid. Inherently. I have to wonder whether or not people are just terribly irresponsible or they just choose not to use their common sense. I also wonder which I would find worse.
After that I "like" to think about the Force.
Bear with me.
I don't like thinking about how a life of irresponsibility is like a downward slope. Especially if that's a steep, slippery slope. Because I don't like the idea of irreversible decisions and consequences. I mean, I like the idea that you are held accountable for your actions, don't get me wrong. I like when there are consequences that you can learn from -- I just don't like thinking about one reckless choice being able to change your life forever. That disturbs me. So for now, I will continue to think that you can claw your way back from all this, and even come out better for it in the end.

And as for "loyalty"... Well I'm just indecisive about that.
...Regicide?


This post took three days. That is unusual. Other than that, I think it's mostly the same.
Except this time I am encouraging you to ask me for clarification. I think that would make this whole process a little more enjoyable for us all. Bring cake.
P.S. There's just something about beating the hell out of somebody else that makes you both feel better.

post #5

uh...

gone fishing.