For more in-depth analysis, press '2'.

One of my favourite things is when you put a pleasant mask on an unpleasant sentiment. Like a good swing on all the half beats, or something similar. But only when you genuinely feel happy. Like, "Hey, I understand that things probably can't get any better--but I'm coping just fine." Those moments are nice.

Let me say that I have considered turning this place into more of an experiment in sociological journalism, employing that damned C. Wright Mills principle on every idea that comes out of here. That idea that you are what you are, plus a whole lot more; that you can't really answer your own questions without answering someone else's questions (which I think we've all learned to be truer than we like, or great). It's called the 'Sociological Imagination', and it was the reason I did horribly on my sociology exam*. To sum it up in a few short words, it implores you to look your personal troubles and see how they connect to the greater issues of society. Or in a different few words, WHY THE FUCK SHIT IS HAPPENING AND GETTING YOUR SELF-CENTERED HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS.
That was reminiscent of what my notes for all five courses looked like by the end of the semester.

I feel as though sometimes this whole cultural romance with introspection is another mild/moderate recession in my life. I'm bound by some sort of inner-voice in the form of my T.A. to refrain from saying "in society" or anything of the sort. Don't tell him, but it's implied. However, I would agree that we tend to make an excessive number of generalizations about society these days. See? IT CAN'T BE STOPPED!
That was reminiscent of what my part-love/part-horror/part-film-noir movie script would look like.

So as my level of intelligence drops rapidly over the next few months, I will attempt to get as much out of my average-sized brain. I hope in all sincerity that what comes out is less self-involved than what has in the past, but I'll admit that these things can't always be stopped. Evidently, that's what has kept me on my feet for five years--but who's really keeping score?

This whole thing felt like a incohesive jumble of words. Aw, poo.

In the past I would have killed to be somebody of significance, but I guess I'm all right being second- or even third-string. As long as the people of significance use it right.
Which isn't to say that I would. So maybe this is for the best?

*Not actually true. In fact, the essay on the C. Wright Mills at the end of the exam may be the thing that saves my mark.

A Hero on a White Horse

What really struck me today is that the world is a really, really big place. I have no idea what ever gave me the idea that I should throw everything away and run after a dream--or that I could possibly create some sort of change. Yes, one person can make a difference, but there are 6.6 billion people who can't do jack shit. And that is a very daunting realization. Maybe some things just are unattainable. It doesn't exactly make you a failure at life if you can't become a world-famous actor or one of the Forbes 400. Let's face it, only 400 people make the Forbes 400. That doesn't exactly leave a huge margin for error.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm lowering my expectations. As if university wasn't itself a big enough indicator of that, already. Either way, I suppose the child in me has started to die in a way it never had before. I can't remember exactly when it was that I gave up on my dream of becoming an actor, or an author, or a magician, or a cowboy, but I can't see myself actively pursuing those things.
FAMILY KILLED MY AMBITIONS.
What a horrible thing to say.

Considering family might be the only thing I'll have left somewhere down the line. Family and the general sense that I either accomplished something or accomplished nothing. That being said, I'm fairly willing to go out on a limb and state, on record, that if I have kids (especially if I don't ruin them)--I'll definitely feel like I've accomplished something. That right there is something I can willingly resign myself to. The fact that I most certainly will hang my cap on my kids. It'll help to have an unbelievable support team and the world's greatest partner, of course.

Look at me, regressing into life planning again.

What really struck me just there is that forever is a really, really long time. I think more people toss that word around without understanding it than "love". I bet. Of course, it really helps "love's" chances when "forever" is almost always accompanied with a good ol' "I'll love you--".
Perhaps I put my money on the wrong sentiment.
OH, THE IRONY!

As a culture, I think we have less of an obsession with love than we have an obsession with words. Pretty words, fat words, precise words, relatively meaningless words, excessive words, dark words, effective words. But predominately we love words that we don't understand. But, dare I say it, I would boldly use at least three or four of those words in one sentence. But then again, I've always been a little bit unbalanced.
I would discourage any sort of imitation.
Please, SIGN THE WAIVERS.

I wish you could sign a waiver for your own life. But maybe responsibility for our actions is what allows us to exist in a society. I miss my familiar society. Life is so big. Forever is so long.

I'm scared.
I miss high school.

//Edit:
I just thought you may all be interested to know that I have a list of people who I will be keeping an eye on because I'm 100% positive that knowing them will be something I can tell my kids about.

Bitch, gimme back my couch!

I haven't slept yet today. So thank God I slept in past noon on Thursday. Let's see if I can make it through the day. It's going to be breakfast soon--so I'll keep this brief.
Things always look brighter in the sunlight.
Clear always seems clearer in high-definition.
Soft always looks softer when you haven't slept.

Thank God for Television.

P.S. the link is cooler, this time.

You wanna check into the Heartbreak Hotel, but sorry, we're closed.

"Do you remember/when we first met/I sure do."

I really hope no one's reading this. Real update time?
I'm doing well. Yeah. I like my courses. I'm getting fairly good grades. I'm making lots of friends. I'm staying (relatively) healthy (remember me?). I've got three offers for places to live next year. I like life.
A lot.

Hope everything's going just as well for you.
But, if you'd like to know my secret for happiness, read to the bottom.

And it kills me
When she says, "Baby,
Baby, will you come for me?"
And I
I don't know what to tell her
What to say to her
To make it all better
And I
I know it's my responsibility
And supposedly my quality
And usually my specialty
But I
I don't know how to choose
And I refuse to lose you
With all I've been through
And I
I know she thinks I'm complex
But this situation's got me vexed
I just want to know what's next
So I
I can get past it in my dreams
And finally start to sleep
And get to where we'll meet
And I
I'll say I do

I really just chose to be. That's all.

ALL OF IT: Part 1 (2005-2006)

"We're not sleeping, and I'm not breathing."

Usually that comes from whatever I'm listening to while typing. Talk about impressionable.

In any case, I feel as though this should draw itself to a close. This place gives me the heebie-jeebies. When I realize that these nights I'm as likely as ever to stay up until some ungodly hour ("Not that any one hour is more holy or godly than the next; although, David did tend to pray to God in the early morning."), I also realize that now might be as good and as fitting a time as ever to really take a look back at where my head has been over the last four years. Granted, there may be gaps due to moments of cerebral-absence, or a general distaste for anything and everything produced in that time.

And so we begin, as is customary, with a short series of lines that may or may not capture how I feel in a way that will make sense to the general audience. It seems only fitting that the lines come from the song with the most playcounts on my iTunes (whether intentionally or unintentionally):
Oh, Oh maybe, we were made
We were made for each other
Ahh, is it possible for the
World to look this way forever?

Apologies to AB, as I assume this only made matters worse.

2004: It Begins...
I'm not quite sure, but perhaps this was intended to be a sort of "source of wisdom" for any and all passers-by.
hitchhiking is probably not the best way to meet girls.
Or inanne comments about life--or nothing involved.
Simon says say something incoherent.
Someone asked me what I do for a living. I said, "I amaze."
And then there was some work, like this. And this:
A throw rug, trashed underfoot
Wasted at the hands of your feet
A step towards disaster
You have put your foot down to contest
You have left your mark
Mud tracked in by your shoes
Arranged ever so carelessly
In the shape of a heart
You sweep your leg back
And scatter this mud-heart of mine

2005: It Develops...
As the new year dawned, there were a slew of short, trite posts. There was mention of a girl, and perhaps the start of a pattern of frustration and disappointment.

i said to her, "it's true... one wasn't true..."

what a lame line...

not a lime line.

i've got more...

And suddenly life became a lot more introspective. And good God--that would never go away.

1. i'm overly obsessed with making my life interesting, but i hate it when it is.

2. i think i'm lacking in areas that i wish i wasn't.

3. everyone around me excels in the areas i wish i could.

4. people seem to be very closed these days. i suppose the fact that i stare at the road out the window of the bus doesn't help.

5. i don't please myself. which sucks.

6. nobody sees me how i want to be seen.

7. i don't want to be perceived the way i am, i just want to be perceived the way i am.

8. i've set my life up to be an endless trap. the only people i'll be myself with are people who have already accepted me for the me they've never seen.

9. i have to rebel against myself way too often.

10. i give up to easy.

11. i have no freakin' clue when to give up.

12. the annoying idiots are more successful than me.

13. i've been uprooted in every way possible. now i can't get grounded for fear of flying.

14. i pay for things too early. plain and simple.

15. i apply the wrong things to myself, then wonder what happened to everybody else.

16. then they wonder what happened to me.

17. but they don't, because they never knew me.

18. or have known me for three weeks.

19. and i won't know them for much more than that, because i'm going to be uprooted.

20. but they don't know that

21. so they wonder why i'm so distant.

22. but they don't know i'm distant.

23. because they don't who i'd be if i wasn't distant.

24. because they don't know me.

To be honest, there will always be times in my life where I can look back at who I was and really wonder who was actually worse for me. I always found I could blame my discomfort on everybody else, and even rationalize it to anyone and everyone around me. They'd believe me--hell, I'd probably be right--but I'd trap myself in that box of martyrdom. And that wouldn't go away for a long time. At least I always had girls to scare me.

i could paint the tops of my shoes.

and then

i realized something today -- yay for me.

i so want to be one on one with someone, but i'm afraid of it too. i want to be able to talk to one person and still be articulate... from what i've seen, it won't happen soon.

i hate that.

Then began the time of nailing down in writing exactly what it was that I wanted in my life. Yes, yes, I did start the lists. Of course, I would never claim to have a great concept of what I really wanted in life at the age of fourteen... Much less any sort of concept of what was really important. Don't worry; it's all becoming oh-so clear these days.

i'm on the bus, and i see a sign that says,
"hidden fees suck."
and
"dresses for weddings, proms, teachers."


oh, and i was left with this thought:
"she asked me to break her arm so i could sign the cast."

So perhaps I never followed my own advice of avoiding generalizations. I think I just enjoyed making statements.

bad tree = bad fruit

So... What did THAT mean?

Oh! Oh! And then I got really self-righteous and self-victimizing. But after that, I kind of went back and forth between cynical and irrelevant.

one sings,
another turns;
one preaches,
another converts;
one possesses,
another releases;
one gains,
another decreases;
one tries,
another rebukes;
one explains,
another confuses;
one extends,
another retreats;
one complies,
another defeats;
one exhales,
another faints;
one a martyr,
another a saint.

one is glass,
another grabs a hammer.

Like, what does that mean, again? But sometimes I forced out a few lines that made me pity myself in a shocking and pathetic way.

so, last night i did some thinking.

if anyone asks -- the way to do that is to drive around bronte around one thirty, throwing free lick's vegetarian burritos at garbage cans from your car. then go to a playground, put on sunglasses, listen to jack's mannequin and copeland (or dashboard and soco), and jump into a swing that's too short for you. now watch the apartment buildings.

the room on the far left, second from the top, is watching tv. see the flashing lights. you get familiar with those when you walk past or into your parents room for seven years. and it's a huge mother-loving tv. and my shoe is falling off.

so i did some thinking.

i thought that maturity is finally realizing that everything in life has its own hangover.

i thought about this: have you ever been carrying something with someone else. then they ask you if you can carry it by yourself, and you're confident, so you say "yes." they let go and it's only then that you realize how much of the weight they were taking.
you were like that to me
and when you weren't there for that long, i finally -- yes, i mean finally -- realized how much i counted on you being there all the time.
so we've already established that i may be in love
we haven't? oh. well then, nevermind.
i'm not confident anymore

so here comes that hangover. which means, "get out the applesauce". which obviously hasn't been in the fridge. and of course, add cinnamon and granulated sugar. i've heard i put in too much, but to be honest -- i can't taste it. i need to do some thinking. mommy, drive me to bronte.

is there anbody going to listen to my story / all about the girl who came to stay / she's the kind of girl you want so much it makes you sorry / still, you don't regret a single day -girl the beatles

I hope that by now you're not actually reading thoroughly. Because some of this is just as useless as it was when it was written. I mean, I'm not about to perform the classic Andy-Undersell and say something obviously untrue and unflattering about myself in order to either seem humble or evoke a response, but I think I generally overestimated the significance of my own words. I was the one who could end an argument with a sentence, convince the nonbeliever with a line, woo the girl with a whisper, and cure cancer with a homonym. In my mind. What a tool, eh?

Oh. And me listening to Justin Timberlake used to surprise you all.

And then the analytical analogies and metaphors began.

Lately, I wish I could just nail things down like I could in little school. Certainly feeling like a train wreck -- or a hurricane... because a hurricane would let me continue my analogy of nailing things down. Like shingles. Or windows. Or deck chairs. Either way, analogy aside, I'm feeling like I want back to the elementary life (in every essence) -- but it wasn't very rewarding. Maybe if I could redo it I could be a better person.

2. True or False: If Andy redid little school he could be a better person.

For myself, this retrospective, end-of-an-era journey is repeatedly showing me how little I understand things in the heat of the moment. Perhaps that will be my emerging theme (which, no doubt, always seem to come about this far in. Let's just say that I never was one for a short-winded intro.)

There were, however, moments where I did allow for an outsource of material. Because, as they say, two heads are better than one.

Someone once said, "Perhaps the feelings that we experience when we are in love represent a normal state. Being in love shows a person who he should be." That would've been Anton Chekhov
He was pretty smart.

Things going well for you? Well then:
"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." - Abraham Lincoln.
You've got this chance, don't miss it.

Somehow I feel strangely calm in all of this. That's the third time I've felt so unbelievably relaxed that it's numbing. I'm stark-raving calm. It's explosive -- and yet catchy. I could easily get addicted to this.

Upon my second round of reading (the first being the time I wrote them all), I learned that I never really knew what I wanted to say, so if I ever said what I wanted to say or meant exactly what I said--it was all fluke. I think now is as good a time as any to admit to the complete and utter blindness I depended on to make it through life. You may think that everything I say has meaning. Wrong. I just sit here and type.

What I do know for a fact is that everything has changed. At least one piece of my future is set. And now I've made my first move--off to Queen's--and let the chips fall where they may. The pieces are in play, the die has been cast, and I'm running out of table game analogies... But I couldn't be happier.

-AP

Should've done something
But I've done it enough
By the way, your hands were shaking
Rather waste my time with you

-and I mean that.

Eve is the apple of my eye.

Sometimes I come here to think. I designed this place to explain in due time all I know.

I would like to go on record as having an unprecedented dilemma on my hands. A wonderful dilemma: human nature and the way things ought to be. Are there happy mediums in such a scenario? I really can't decide. There are just things I want to make real that I can't figure out.

I see things in a completely different light nowadays. Things have their own purpose. I don't act out of pure self-conviction anymore. I have become other-centered. Near completely. It's devastatingly ideal. Super-ideal, I'd even say.

I Saw - Matt Nathanson
The Mock Love - She Swings (thanks, B)
Thinking About You - Radiohead
Kill - Jimmy Eat World
Leaves You Feeling Alright - Trouble With Ferguson
Forever - Chris Brown
Dance Inside - The All-American Rejects

Next year I will be taking five full-year courses:
PSYC 100
CLST 101
HIST 122
SOCY 122
FILM 110
Still haven't heard back on the residence situation just yet, but I'm still hoping for a single.

I don't know exactly where to go after that thought. I suppose it'll come to me. I'm not necessarily a classy read--more of a choppy, grit-your-teeth-and-bear-it kind of tale. I think that's the way my life works out. There's always going to be SOMETHING I could complain about--I think now I've just chosen not to... y'know? I could whine and complain, or I could take it all in stride, look ahead to what is coming, and keep on with my 3TRACKMIND. Which is really a two track mind, but where's the fun in that?

My God, I've got things to sort out. Good things, don't get me wrong. There's nothing like feeling TOO loved.

FINALLY. I have one question that's been on my mind for a while. Wait for it.
Am I going to be a good father? I'm not sure I've got in me.



Hope to see you all again, someday. I wonder if I ever will.
-AP happened

Forget everything you're thinking about ISU's for one second and just read what your notes say:
"Well there I was... getting deeper in love every minute, and all of a sudden I realized I didn't care. What was the use of doing great things if I could have a better time telling her what I was going to do?"
- Jay Gatsby (The Great Gatsby 95)

Doesn't it all just make you want to go back and listen to the So Impossible EP?
No?
Just me?
Oh well.

Song: Until The End Of Time - Justin Timberlake

A-out.

#5 Presenting 2008: As of now

I believe there is an ending for this I'm missing

I get concerned around the dark times
'Cause in the nighttime
I begin to understand
All of the things that people do and say
And what makes them okay
And how that connects to all of me
Because it's easier to ask you to change
Than me to rearrange
Into something else
Possibly better to be around

Oh, won't you be
Oh, won't you be
Won't you be around?
Oh, can't you see
Oh, can't you see
That I am willing to adapt to all the things you need to change
And all the parts of me that don't line up with anything that you say
And how I'd rather be a different boy than be one apart from you
And why it's easier to say "I will" than for me to say "I do"

#2 I don't get it.

There has been a gross misconception of me.












Take a moment for yourself and interpret that any way you'd like.
Alright? Good.

"I keep telling myself
I keep telling myself
I'm not the desperate kind"

I wish I could make myself more applicable. Rather than force you all to listen to me utilize whatever is sitting around me to sort out whatever is happening around me. Because that's just boring.
Duh.
But really, I can't conjure up some ability to be universal out of nowhere. I can't just sit and wait around for something to come to me. Instead, I think I'll just start talking and see if it works on this first run-through. So as I'm taking this leap of faith, you're all going to have to come along with me.
Um.
I think I'm getting sick.
Ever get the feeling that people know exactly what they want to say long before they say it? The words come out eventually and you're just sitting there saying to yourself, "Wow, you've been waiting this whole time to say those words." Is it worse when you follow that thought up with "...maybe you should have put a little more thought into them." I don't know. I've been thinking about these things lately.
Because sometimes you can just feel it coming a mile away.
Unfortunately, a mile may not be enough prep time.
Well, I guess I didn't think that one through. The lesson learned: I'm not thoroughly bullet-proof. I just can't tell who was banking on that more, them or me...


p.s. I'll give you a murder mystery!

Now I'm unhealthy

I just thought I'd share with you a moment from my brain, from about thirty seconds ago:


Oh man, I feel terrible. I don't know if I can even-- wait... what exactly would I be trying to do right now?



That's right. I can't even tell you what it is I'm supposed to be trying to accomplish.
Edit will come, theme #2 will come.

EDIT//
Okay, so first off, that thing I had been trying to do was walk. And get orange juice. Those stairs looked friggin' scary.
Moving on.

Which semester will be harder? One or Two? Good question.


This week's theme:
relief, and whatever this makes you feel.

responses:
rachel--
http://non-thought.blogspot.com/2008/01/2-relief.html
maddy--
http://characteroftheweek.blogspot.com/2008/02/2-when-do-you-feel.html

#1 So what if he did?

Exhibit A: a mental breakdown

back up, down
break down, town
bring 'round sound
from red ground
okay?

Sometimes my mind falls apart. This happens from time to time. I think that sometimes I need it. Because it makes me more relate-able. Because I hate feeling like a phony when I'm trying to talk to someone who has fallen apart. I almost said "worse than I have," but then realized that I have fallen apart pretty badly sometimes.
Meh.

///////////
/////////// /

But most of the time I think I worry that I take myself too seriously.

Will you be my "it's complicated" on Facebook?

I am totally aware of who reads this. That being said, I should probably watch what I say and how I say it... but I haven't cared before and really don't think it'll stop me now. Besides, if it wasn't a problem before it isn't now, and if people are curious about me -- voila! Here I am.



Or maybe I'm just trying to get back into the swing of things, what with English and Writer's Craft coming up in twenty-five days.
...Wait. What?



Supposedly it's time for another update. A legit one, mind you... none of these crappy lists. Wait... did start that one. Either way.



First off, I'm having troubles walking and stuff. That annoys me. Because there's nothing like hearing "It's time to grow up, Andy. University's coming." and simultaneously experiencing what can only be related to arthritis. Fortunately it's just a result of some injury. Come to think of it, that's not much better.
...Shiiiit.
Secondly, (and, as always, an interactive piece to today's literature) I applied for university this past week. Twice, technically. But oh well. I'm going to go out on a limb and list off the schools I applied to, but I won't expect any reciprocation. Don't think about that for too long:
Queen's - Psychology
Guelph - Psychology
Waterloo - Psychology
Wilfred Laurier - Psychology
Next I'll be listing off any failed attempts at relationships I experience in my life and any of the week's past sins. I should stop being so volunteering. I really just like how close it sounds to "cavaliering", which, let's face it, sounds pretty awesome.
Third on the docket, well... I reaaally want to make a movie right now. Somebody better let me in the first month of Semester 2. Because I really don't want to make one just for kicks. And I can't very well do a silent film for Writer's Craft, now can I?
Fourth, and most important: Do not consider this a compromise for me. Because, well... it's not. I just hope it doesn't backfire on me.



The soundtrack for this one:
Slow Jam - Four Tet
Everything's Not Lost - Coldplay
I Summon You - Spoon
Good Morning (Intro) - Kanye West
Won't Go Home Without You - Maroon 5
Chase This Light - Jimmy Eat World
Melatonin - Silversun Pickups
A Bad Dream - Keane
Lovely Allen - Holy Fuck



"Off the top of my head, I'd say you're looking at a Boeski, a Jim Brown, a Miss Daisy, two Jethros and a Leon Spinks, not to mention the biggest Ella Fitzgerald ever!"