What I miss most

Being thankful that your drink is more than half ice
Being able to see if what you were wearing was weather appropriate by just stepping onto your balcony
Regular waiters
Getting to wear sunglasses all the time
Water
Tropical drinks
Separation
Sun
Sand

Figure this one out:
I've been waiting
I've been waiting for this moment all my life
But it's not quite right
Lazy Eye - Silversun Pickups

Dear God (or whoever you feel comfortable with)

I would appreciate it if this trend of bad stuff happening to me would end.

-Andy

P.S. Unless, of course, you're going somewhere with this.

I would encourage you...

to look for the link that has been updated.

And don't be looking in posts.

And feel free to go back in time while you're at it...

Why I should never be allowed outside the house:

Uh... This is what would happen if I had any inclination towards post offices:
Uh... I suck.

WARNING: this makes me look really bad

[caution]: there are five links in the following post.

I didn't think I would be coming back here for a very long time, but I realized that the fact that no one tends to come here anymore was way more appealing than I had realized. That... and it's letting me edit the text properly again, so I can add some color. So perhaps I will make this a long one.

I'm not here to complain, I'm not here to point fingers at God and the rest of the world (which leaves... who?), but I've often wondered at the whole balance of life. I guess that statement depends on what you consider balance. Is balance a response to your own actions -- the repercussions of your actions is good or bad based on whether or not your actions were good or bad (ie. karma)? Is balance an attempt to give everyone an equal opportunity? Or is balance a promise that we'll all break even with each other in the end?

My instant reactions:

1. balance as equal opportunity: FALSE. because what about those kids in africa?
2. balance as breaking even: FALSE. because what about those kids in africa?
3. balance as a result of your actions: FALSE. because what about me? ...and those kids in africa?

Now, at the risk of that coming off way too self-righteous... wait... Nope. There's really no way that can come out without looking bad on me. Whatever, I'll cope. Meanwhile, I'm facing the question: is it really worth it to be nice? Is it worth it to go the extra mile for people, to be self-sacrificial, to make sure everyone else is happy before you are? Is it really that defining a quality that by being that way you'll end up any happier than you would have otherwise? So far, no. It's not looking good.

No, I'm not denying that I have an extremely blessed life. I can do almost anything I set my mind to, I can do some things really well, I have some great friends, I have a supportive family. But sometimes I judge my life a little differently than that. Small things, like "Am I happy?"

This is the moment where I start to question my views on the Purpose behind everything. If I'm struggling to feel important, complete, accepted, wanted, or like any of it's worth it -- then why am I insisting on keeping it up? Because maybe I think it'll all pay off in the end? Maybe I think this whole "unselfishly giving" thing works on the ladies... And I wonder, even if I knew I would never get anything out of it in return, would I still do it?

Yeah. Think I might.

I suppose I'll just remain this way. Because sometimes the Doormat is cool. Like Charlie Brown. Or Linus. Right? He had it going for him. I wish I could just see some reasoning. Because I'm pretty sure that I'm walking into most of these situations. I'm setting myself up to be walked all over, or be walked to, borrowed, and then walked away from. But maybe I'm just like all those other guys who give of themselves without even thinking about it. The ones that you don't need to explain why you need them. Maybe the only thing that sets me apart is that I have no motivation. And I'm draining myself -- because I have nothing to draw from.

So please don't tell me that it will all be worth it soon enough. Or that I just need to wait patiently and I'll be rewarded. Because, sure, the blessing may be in the giving sometimes. And sometimes your reward is your action. But that's little comfort when every night you go home alone and every time you walk through a door there's no one waiting for you.

P.S. Please watch the video. It gave me chills when I was seven, it gave me chills tonight.

"and again when your head goes through the windshield"

a haiku about genies:

Y:"I'll grant you one wish"
M:"I just wish for happiness"
Y:"I can't give you that"


M:"Shit."

What was it like? A train track?

Alright. My guess is that I'll use the pronoun "you" (or anything like it) to represent at least six people today.

Generally I don't like to get really retrospective. And by really I mean I don't like to go too far back. Like I told you. But just now, as I was thinking about what to say, I realized that even though each individual event/action/movement in my life has led to this point, and even though if I had changed one word that my life could be completely different -- even with all of the philosophy behind that, I still think that there are specific events that, had I made the other decision, my life would be in a completely different spot. Had I picked one house over the other, one set of stairs over the other, one project over the other, one time to be honest over the other. That keeps going, but I'm done.

So I've decided not to speak vindictively, or get defensive. And I'm not turning this into a debate. You win, you lose. End of story.

So that was from a few days ago.

Right now I'm in more of a panic/stress mood. But "Hello" and I was back. "How are you?" and I was okay. Sort of. One more time, please? But in person, please. And I also still feel terrible, so if you could fix that too...
I bet you could.
P.S. The questions were because questions are our thing.

I also want to bet that I could do that easy play at the heart-strings thing for the remainder of this post. Why? Because I think I'm there again. So let's see which metaphorical direction I take this in. And by the way, that's the direction of the metaphor, not a metaphoric direction...
You're not like the moon (this time). On the contrary, you're not drawn into orbit by something bigger and more dominating than yourself. You are your own. I know you are. So stop listening.
That was terrible. I can do better than that.

I'm like a sweater. Just put me on when you need me.
...What the fuck does that mean?

got a body like a battle axe

today is a no-caps day. why? because i'm worried.
no, not that kind of worry. a different kind. probably a kind i've never really been feeling while writing a post. so possibly this will come out differently. in a new way. and new shit sells. woot.
speaking of selling, i have to work early tomorrow, and walk to work because every car is in, like, fricking kingston or at some bar mitzvah. go figure.
speaking of posts and that whole paragraph-y thing, somehow i started thinking about how people had thought i had my life in order. and have my life in order at this point. and i remember that this was one of the most annoying things to hear back in my seasons of teenage-angst. but i think i'm past that, apart from the occasional pillow into the wall, bottle into the wall, mull over my frustration quietly-type thing. so now i'm wondering, what is it that makes people seem like they've got it all together:
a significant other
a high-paying job
successful children
well-behaved children
nice house
on the cover of a magazine
on the cover of a newspaper
having a fan club
having a decent support system of friends
beating their addiction
accomplishing their life's goals
having the job they wanted as a kid
talking like they have a clue
experiencing struggle
having a good outward attitude
keeping secrets for themselves
etc.

and since i have a pattern: please feel free to ask me any questions and tell me which of these you think are true, and any others. theses are crap options -- give me good-er ones, please.

and you said, "i know that this will hurt
but if i don't break your heart, then things will just get worse
when the burden seems too much to bear, remember
the end will justify the pain it took to get us there"
let it all out - relient k

that was a bad night. goodnight.

Honey, lay off of them shoes

I guess now is as good a time as any to say Hello to the blogging world.
"Hello." (<--Lame)
And since I always do this, here's where I'm at right now, physically: I'm sitting in my basement, my family asleep upstairs (including my grandparents and two cousins). I'm drinking Lipton Green Tea, which I just about spilled, while eating a mixed bowl of Cap'n Crunch and Swedish Fish. Cereal and candy, yummy. I'm watching Arrested Development on TV, even though I've been watching a lot of movies recently... Disney movies, to be exact, while running on the treadmill, to be exact. It, like, clears my head... or something. Well done indeed.

Thought #1: Please, let us only have one after-party. None of this division stuff, eh?
Thought #2: I will be continuing The O.C. as soon as that one bastard returns that one disc. I mean, seriously, what's gonna happen to Seth, Ryan, and the rest of the gang?

But then again, what's gonna happen to me? Come on, clear head, do your thang. Because now I've got different things to think about now. And I don't have too much experience in this part of my brain, or my logic. Well, at least not for a while, now. To be honest, I didn't think I'd get here for a lot longer. But then again, it's always the day after I'm on one polar end that I end up on the other. I mean polar. Seriously. So that makes this a little like culture shock, or at least, that's what we'll refer to it as.

Because that happens sometimes. Where you switch from being totally frustrated to being more peaceful than you have been able to be for a long time. So yes, everything's alright now. But no... it's not... It's just I don't care about the stuff that's left. And I'm okay with that. Ziing! Feeling better already. But then again, we did talk about this before. I can't be completely dependent on something or someone else to make me feel okay. Anyone who's completely dependent on anything other than themselves are just weaker -- and then it's harder for anyone to depend on you in any way. And then you just feel sucky. Because what good are you? No good.
"Why The World Doesn't Need Superman".
Leave it to me to forget to do something I told you to do.

So the weirdest (but really, not really) thing from this week is how... well I'm getting along with my parents. I mean, woah. And I'm trying to explain that. Because apart from the one big fight (yeah...), I've been good with them the whole week. What is making us so compatible suddenly? See previous paragraph, perhaps?

Okay, so Brent asked what song described your life right now... And since I answered I've realized that there are tons of songs that can, fairly specifically, describe my life. I think. That may have something to do with the fact that I've been all over the place mentally and emotionally just in the last week. But I'll probably forget them all.
So:
Second Star From The Left, Go 'Til Dawn - Copeland
Beautiful Disaster - Jon McLaughlin
Which To Bury, Us Or The Hatchet - Relient K
Accidental Babies - Damien Rice
Crave Me - Rise Electric
Love Is A Marathon - Teddy Geiger
Suspicious Minds - Elvis Presley
Blue Suede Shoes - Elvis Presley

See... I forgot them all.

I'm not sure what is more disturbing, knowing how many people know or not knowing how many people know. This would go for any secret you've shared even once. Because once it's out of your hands you've got to just trust and cross your fingers a little bit. Okay, so a lot.

And since I've sunk back into my old pattern of random and poorly connected thoughts, not to mention an incredible taste for the vague, I think I'm done.
Because none of you got any of that, I bet.
But I'm not about to talk a step backwards... So, feel free to ask any questions.
(This post took three days)

The good new is it's not SARS. Woohoo.

Dear class,
Today's word is "maybe."
Today's main topic is "indecision." The curriculum will refer back to this whenever it is deemed appropriate. The professor will return to it whenever he blanks.
Today's soundtrack is Heavier Things, O, and anything Kanye West. Which is a great combination.
Today's movie is Fight Club, for obsession's and confusion's sakes.
Today's TV is The Office Season 2.

This would be what we consider a "large topic". So to make sure I got this completely covered, here I am at 4:00AM, cranking this out for clarity. Actually no, I just don't sleep well anymore and this seemed like an appropriate place to sit and wait for the world to wake up. I'm not a morning person, but I guess if I just start my morning four five hours before everyone else then maybe I will appear to be one. Or, occassionally, seven and a half hours earlier.

As I learned in grade 11 English (as well as grade 10 English, grade 9, grade 8, and grade 7), the way to begin any sort of essay (as unpoetic as it sounds -- face it, that's what we're doing here) is to briefly go over what you will be talking about. I'm going to try to do that, but if you've been here for any length of time longer than two months then you know that it may not work to perfection. So let's list the indecisive topics as best we can: future, trust, maturity, responsibility, and shall we say... "loyalty".

Now it's no secret, I have touched on all of these things at least once (most likely more) before. Some more than others. Some non-stop (if you look). But if I repeat anything I will write it off as either the sickness talking or the fact the maybe somebody just needed to hear it. Yeah... so let's go.

So I had at one point expressed frustration about how it seemed that everyone I knew had their future all planned out and how I felt like the only one who was at a loss for what to do. Since the I growed up. Now I know that almost everyone is struggling with their ideas for what they want to be doing and where they want to be in the next five, ten, two years. I guess for me it's a matter of deciding how risky I want to be. A friend once told me that I should never let risk affect what I want to do or who I want to be. Because either way, if I'm not enjoying it then I might as well have fallen victim to the risk. If that person was a stock, I would invest.
And since I know you're all dying to know, these are some of my ideas (I almost said 'options' -- that would have been silly): actor, director, writer, journalist, psychiatrist, photographer, teacher, and depending how successful any of that is, owning some sort of store. You have no idea how depressing it would be for me to go through all of those and tell you why they might not work -- so I'm not gonna.

While recently I was thinking about a lot of the highlights and lowlights of the China trip (highlights: the bridge, the people, being stared at; lowlights: brothels, smog, having to tell the government that I'm sick), I realized that I'm starting to find out things that make me happy and things that bother me. Like bad families. Bad judgement. Bad streaks. Bad coffee. Bad dates. I really don't feel like delving into it too deeply, but let's just state the obvious for the sake of my conscience: how you raise your kids is important. I have yet to see a kid who was raised poorly turn out as good as they could've been. That's not to say that they can't turn out amazing -- but it could've been better. I'm also not saying that kids who are raised incredibly well can't still turn out to be incredible tools.
This relates to trust... trust me. ("weeeeeeaaaak")
You can tell because the paragraph breaks are single spaced.
I could make a fairly detailed list of what can destroy a relationship (I told you I should have my own store), but as I said before, you have no idea how depressing it would be for me to go through all of those and tell you why they would work. So as my compromise I will explain how trust is a lynchpin for relationships. To make this easy, I won't even talk about how they work with trust, I'll focus on how they don't without it. It's simpler. For instance, I trust my parents to not read over my shoulder... and then they do, and that strains the relationship. Trust gone. Other times the trust was never there, and the party involved knows they were never trusted. I call that a catalyst. Or shooting yourself in the foot.
I don't feel like working on this one anymore -- moving on!

Double spaced.

Speaking of double, I will be tackling the next two topics at the same time. Since for me, the two topics seem to go hand-in-hand when it comes to things that frustrate me or make me indecisive. Probably because of my age, my friends, my not-so-much friends, and the fact that people are inherently stupid. Inherently. I have to wonder whether or not people are just terribly irresponsible or they just choose not to use their common sense. I also wonder which I would find worse.
After that I "like" to think about the Force.
Bear with me.
I don't like thinking about how a life of irresponsibility is like a downward slope. Especially if that's a steep, slippery slope. Because I don't like the idea of irreversible decisions and consequences. I mean, I like the idea that you are held accountable for your actions, don't get me wrong. I like when there are consequences that you can learn from -- I just don't like thinking about one reckless choice being able to change your life forever. That disturbs me. So for now, I will continue to think that you can claw your way back from all this, and even come out better for it in the end.

And as for "loyalty"... Well I'm just indecisive about that.
...Regicide?


This post took three days. That is unusual. Other than that, I think it's mostly the same.
Except this time I am encouraging you to ask me for clarification. I think that would make this whole process a little more enjoyable for us all. Bring cake.
P.S. There's just something about beating the hell out of somebody else that makes you both feel better.

post #5

uh...

gone fishing.

Hooray for autosave!

Some people are just at a place where they are saying everything on these things. And I'm not sure how to respond to that.
It makes me smile/laugh/worried/jealous/happy/tired (choose one).
I have decided to come here because tonight feels like a good time for me to mark the beginning of my summer. I almost feel like making a list of things I would like to accomplish (like I would've done in the past), partly so I can just take a look at all the shit I'll never get done. Because that's really what they're meant for, right? All these "I want to..." lists I've been cranking out in the last three years of this thing. But maybe what I will do is give a brief run-down of where I'm at right now, at the beginning of the summer.


I have a job (that I might be quitting)
I have no girlfriend (see above)
I have a sixteen day trip to China planned
I have a (hopefully) life-long immunity to Hep C (or A... should probably get that figured out)
I have a few fences to mend, I believe
I have some talents I would like to work on
I have to finish chemistry

Now for a few explanations on all of the aforementioned.


I have a job (that I might be quitting): If two or more of the good co-workers or managers quit or leave, then I will be relocating to a different job (fingers crossed). But on the bright side, I do have a quitting buddy! We have a pact for job-searching when we both quit.
I have no girlfriend (see above): Just because there's so many things I will not talk about here, I will refer back to the job thing. I have no girlfriend because I have no time for one = having a job. I have no girlfriend because I cannot afford one = quitting my job. Oh, and I just don't think I have what it takes.*
I have a sixteen day trip to China planned: I have to pack and that whole thing, but overall I'm looking forward to it. But I will not be looking forward to losing those sixteen days. In a weird sort of way.
I have a (hopefully) life-long immunity to Hep C (or A... should probably get that figured out): I can now cross off one more STD from my list of things to worry about... when I share a drink with anyone...
I have a few fences to mend, I believe: I have been a jackass for the majority of this year. Done.
I have some talents I would like to work on: Because next year I would like to kick some ass. Mwuahaha. *See above.
I have to finish chemistry: Because I would like that credit. Done.

If you feel like you're losing by giving, then you didn't need to be giving.

Romance is dead, I shot it in the chest then the head

I Can’t Save The World

I am just a boy
I sleep in my bed; I eat at my kitchen table
When the sun is out, I play outside
Or I don’t
But I can’t save the world

I am just a boy
I imagine myself growing old
And when I do, I pray it isn’t alone
But it might be
And I didn’t save the world

I am just a boy
I try not to think about my mistakes
Anymore than I have to, to learn
And I make a lot
Like not saving the world

I am just a boy
I bleed the same way as you do
Just not as often – or maybe more
I hope it’s the second
Since I’m not saving the world

I am just a boy
I jump on the bandwagon, sometimes
I didn’t even like POGS
There goes my money
Meanwhile, I could’ve been saving the world

I am just a boy
The night sky makes me feel insignificant, sometimes
So it’s a good thing I’m already on my back
I’d be knocked there
Now I know I can’t save the world

I am just a boy
Most of the time I wish that I could fly
So that I could see the Seven Wonders of the World
And all its problems
Just because I didn’t save the world

I am just a boy
I complain about having so much to do
At least I have those opportunities
Others do not
Even for them, I do not save the world

I am just a boy
Even amongst the busyness, I still get bored
So I preoccupy myself with hobbies
One of them is not
Saving the world

I am just a boy
I have trouble making eye contact
Especially with starving children on my TV
It inspires me
I decide to save the world, but I don’t

I am just a boy
I have a goal to be famous one day
And have influence over thousands, like Oprah
And I will relax
And forget about trying to save the world

I am just a boy
I reflect on my life, maybe too much
And I realize how little I have done
And I feel guilty
For I have not saved the world

I am just a boy
I have started to realize my limits
And made realistic goals for the world
Like changing myself
Because I can’t save the world

I'M A SINK

I'd brace myself for you
The lines are all blurred and the patterns reversed
You know I'm a wreck
But you are one too so it wouldn't mean a thing to you
Hard to get you alone
I can't tell who's more scared but that's probably fair
You look good at first glance
But I'll get in your head and like it even better in there

Sometimes life just comes after you.
I'm busier than your average grade 12, but hey, I'm not going to say anything to them. Because they're pretty attached to the feeling of being the most stressed, busy, and screwed people in the world. But by now, I'm sure everyone knows, there are some weeks where the world just likes to pile it on. So what am I doing here, of all places? Well, world, I left my damn books at school. So what the hay, I figured I'd just do... well, thiiis?

I'd brace myself for all of you
But what good would that do?
When I asked you to tell it all
And all at once I'd see it all
All at once I'd see you smile
And that would be enough
And all at once that would be enough

(For about a week)
Boing.
I'm struggling to start saying what I want to say. I think that might be because I... don't? For starters, I'm listening to all these songs I used to put on repeat. They catch up with me -- they caught up with me. I wish I could just do something as simple as throw some stuff, drink some stuff, break some stuff, rework some stuff, and then feel better. Why can't that work for me? How come I can't get away with that. I want that.
Shh. I do that.

I'd brace myself for you
Because you're more than I can handle
I won't pretend to understand it all
Or that I can take it away at all
Because who really gives a ( )



//from before:
It's amazing how the same thing that drives you to the brink can bring you right back again.
It's amazing how I can chase you, and think of you, but have no idea who you are or what you look like.
It's amazing how there's just a little bit of my inner child left.

What do you say to that?
What do you say to the ever-present possibility of death?
What do you say to the ever-present possibility of your life suddenly changing?
What do you say to the ever-present possibility of making one small mistake and losing everything?
You say, "Holy ( )."
(How do you like that? I'm interactive.)

Life's too short to hold a grudge.
Life's too short to have a pet peeve.
Life's too short to stick to the clichés.
Oh ( ).

watch you work the room

I'm head over heels for someone I that I really can't deal with.
I wanna block her out my mind but I really can't do it (do it).
I tell myself that this the last time I'ma let her do this to me.
But whenever we do spend time
I realize that I can't get enough of you.

Wipe that smile off your fucking face
(Then I say to you)
Wipe that smile off your face
(Then I say to you)
Wipe that smile off your fucking face
(IThen I say to you)
Wipe that smile off your face

To be despised
To be loved
To be dreamt of
To be sought
On the inside
I don't care
Right in the middle
I'm right in the middle
To be despised
To be loved
To be dreamt of
To be sought
On the inside
I don't care
Be my unholy
My one and my lonely

I wear scarves and hoods cause they're the only poker face that I've got left
And everything I love about you is a mess
Smash the mirror and break the palm reader's hand
I want to be better than I am

(Let me say to you)
Wipe that smile off your fucking face
(Then I say to you)
Wipe that smile off your face
(Then I say to you)
Wipe that smile off your fucking face
(Then I say to you)
Wipe that smile off your face

To be despised
To be loved
To be dreamt of
To be sought
On the inside
I don't care
Right in the middle
I'm right in the middle
To be despised
To be loved
To be dreamt of
To be sought
On the inside
I don't care
Be my unholy
My one and my lonely

One & Only - Timbaland (Ft. Fall Out Boy)

Welcome to TD

Is it going, is it going, is it going, is it going?

And you know I won't mind if you
Monopolize all of my time
I won't say a thing at all
I won't say a word, no
California - Copeland





I like having good days better than I like having bad days.

What does this mean?

You won't believe what just happened.
Check that.
I won't believe what just happened.

I was walked into my room tonight, about ready to fall asleep. I sat down to look at my clock and plug my iPod in, and there it was: 11:10PM.
One minute.
And you know what I did? I got so mad in about twelve seconds that I unplugged my clock and walked out on my 11:10. I have no more 11:11, go to hell 11:11. I came down here to type this up and passed by my kitchen clocks. I used to love this place at 11:11.
Again, 11:10, and I kept on walking, not wanting to look back and catch the clocks changing.



Good night.
Check that.
Good riddance.

"...I made you a jellyfish"

don't waste
your time
on me
you're al-
ready
a voice inside my head.

I just think this was fitting. Um, thanks. For being you. And even though I got really mad at you more than once, and wanted to just walk away from you forever at least twice, you've probably made me who I am now. Which is cool, when you think about it. But before I go making a bigger deal out of things than they deserve, like I normally do, let's just move on from that.

I make a bigger deal out of things than they deserve. I make a smaller deal out of things than they deserve.
Apathy < Empathy
Empathy = Sympathy
Sympathy < Disturbance
Disturbance < Whatitwouldtaketomakemejustshutupandleave.

There, I thought I should say it like that, since I lied about having finished my math homework.

Untitled

All my tticks are coming back. You'd laugh if you saw.
Right, why am I here? Because I need some peace of mind. Or to at least to make these things visual. There's something about that.
Yes, I'm at another point where I've lost my mind. Except it went a lot quieter this time. And it brought back a lot of things I thought I had gotten past. Like needing to punch my pillow three times before I go to bed, and staying up way too late on nights I don't need to, and staring myself in the eye, and looking like Hayley-Joel Osment. I feel like I've taken way too many steps backwards. But I won't address this in the second person. No I won't do that. I'll leave that to Howie Day.
I think what I really want is to curl up in a safe place, or maybe to just have March Break come and watch The O.C. Yeah, now I'm Hayley-Joel Osment and Seth Cohen. I didn't say it!


ZOMBIES!
I'm all scattered.
Because I Feel like my best choice is to distance myself from my problems. But I just can't leave her alone. And I mean that in every way. Ha!


CAPTAIN PLANET!
So I really don't know if I could handle it anymore. Because I've started to think more about what would really happen. I'm not as blinded by the initial feeling as I was before...
...so that sucks.

Here's what you need to listen to:
She Says - Howie Day
This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race - Fall Out Boy
Gone Gone Gone - John Ralston
The Funeral - Band of Horses
It Ends Tonight - The All-American Rejects
Time After Time - Quietdrive
Melt Into the Walls - Pilate
Wake Up - The Arcade Fire
Wait - Something Corporate
Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Will Escape - Underoath
Tell Her This- Del Amitri
With or Without You - U2
There Cannot Be a Close Second - Copeland
Testing the Strong Ones - Copeland
Sideways - Citizen Cope

I'm sorry, that in your condition the sunshine's been missing

Well, happy Valentines Day to me. More to come.
I think/

Life as a Conjunction:

I'm sorry. I started to, and then I just stopped.



Sorry, this is coming from a weird moment of weakness. I'm not supposed to show this. Because I don't trust in myself anymore. Well, not as much as I used to. I don't know what to blame for that. Well.

It must be the way that I can hear you say this now
Don't be afraid, just know that I'll be with you somehow
All of your cries, soon they will drown in my lullabies
Just close your eyes, just close your eyes
Lullaby - All Star United



So my mind has turned to ways of being sneaky, brilliant, and have an overall sense of accomplishment that I've been dreaming of for years. Because there's always a day where you feel left out, and you feel like you missed out, and like "Oh crap, I could've been all over that. Man." Yeah, like that.
At least they gave me time to think. But that doesn't really solve my problem. Go figure. And there are moments where I just think things like
I hate phones
I hate computers
I hate parents
I hate maps
I hate months
I hate plays
I hate jobs
I hate bowling
I hate guitars
and all I can do is focus on how I've been let down. Well guess what. It was mostly me. Mostly me. So the next time I check a calendar, maybe I'll just have to shake my head in shame and tell myself that I embarrass me. Hm, some capricious kid I am.

Would you do it? Would you take a risk to kick someone's feet out from under them (metaphorically, of course)? How much are you willing to put OUT THERE before you start to think about it? Because then you'll realize that it's not just you they're judging, and it's not just what you thought. And suddenly there's more to the story that you never saw coming. And how do you react to that? With a paper and pen? I mean, is that what it's asking for?
You can't slip a pair of wings into someone's locker.


"And on that note..."
That's where it started. That and my birthdate. God.

Oh, and save me from Nickelback, because Photograph does not help me. Because I'm trying to channel the majority of the feeling through to my fingers (interrupted by the occasional tic), and before you know it, something brilliant will come out.
Please, let it be now.


If you spent two more minutes in the corner
They'd probably lose track of you
And they'd come looking for you
And they'd take you by the hand and drag you
And I'd be left watching them pull you
Away from where I was just sitting
With you
Leaving me with an air of clouds
And harmless little ambitions
And I'd add them to my conditions
Which I piled up with your permission
When you came along with your apparitions
As I walked past the street lights
In this condition
Which is to say that I really, really, really hope this works out.


This is pretty unfinished.
This is pretty unfinished.

Well that's good news -- snakes on crack

Yeah, I said something last year. This day. 365 days ago. Today.
Yeah, I said that I had finally figured something out. That I had finally diagnosed myself. That I knew what it was that turned this semi-psychopathic mind into a burning and quivering mess. It was that fear of being brand new. Those first few steps off onto the dark path, the first step towards the edge of the cliff, the first stroke of the brush. It all scares the hell out of me. Maybe the world would be better if we could just skip the beginnings. Skip the introduction and head straight to the part where we know all the characters, and we feel comfortable with what we did. Or not -- or you're stuck in a pool of regret. But you know what. I'd rather know that I was regretful than not know if I was going to be.



So all signs point towards one thing. All systems go go go forward. Right? Well, there's where the fear kicks in. And for me it's like tripping and falling at the finish line. I can see the damn thing, all I have to do is just reach for it, get up and start walking again, maybe even crawl a bit, but I just can't. I'm stuck staring at the finish line from a distance. And every second counts. And before you know it -- it'll be too late and I'll be disqualified. Wouldn't that suck? Gee, you can see the finish, you could touch it, you could paint it from memory (if you ever got the first stroke down), but you can't get there. Too bad. You're done. It's over for you. Except for the regret.

Well, I can't wait for that.



You'd better write me down
Because you'll forget who I am
Unless I'm right there
And then I'll forget who I am
You'd better draw me up
Because you'll lose track of me
Unless I can watch over you
And unless you can see me
But I can't always do that
And I don't think I would
So at least be thinking of me while you're there
Because that's pretty much all I've got to go on right now.




"You deserve better."
What if I don't want better?
"You deserve some respect."
What if I'm okay with it?
"You shouldn't have to deal with this."
What if I knew I could've stopped it, but I didn't do anything?
"Well then you're screwed."
Yep.
"Good luck."
Thanks.