WARNING: this makes me look really bad

[caution]: there are five links in the following post.

I didn't think I would be coming back here for a very long time, but I realized that the fact that no one tends to come here anymore was way more appealing than I had realized. That... and it's letting me edit the text properly again, so I can add some color. So perhaps I will make this a long one.

I'm not here to complain, I'm not here to point fingers at God and the rest of the world (which leaves... who?), but I've often wondered at the whole balance of life. I guess that statement depends on what you consider balance. Is balance a response to your own actions -- the repercussions of your actions is good or bad based on whether or not your actions were good or bad (ie. karma)? Is balance an attempt to give everyone an equal opportunity? Or is balance a promise that we'll all break even with each other in the end?

My instant reactions:

1. balance as equal opportunity: FALSE. because what about those kids in africa?
2. balance as breaking even: FALSE. because what about those kids in africa?
3. balance as a result of your actions: FALSE. because what about me? ...and those kids in africa?

Now, at the risk of that coming off way too self-righteous... wait... Nope. There's really no way that can come out without looking bad on me. Whatever, I'll cope. Meanwhile, I'm facing the question: is it really worth it to be nice? Is it worth it to go the extra mile for people, to be self-sacrificial, to make sure everyone else is happy before you are? Is it really that defining a quality that by being that way you'll end up any happier than you would have otherwise? So far, no. It's not looking good.

No, I'm not denying that I have an extremely blessed life. I can do almost anything I set my mind to, I can do some things really well, I have some great friends, I have a supportive family. But sometimes I judge my life a little differently than that. Small things, like "Am I happy?"

This is the moment where I start to question my views on the Purpose behind everything. If I'm struggling to feel important, complete, accepted, wanted, or like any of it's worth it -- then why am I insisting on keeping it up? Because maybe I think it'll all pay off in the end? Maybe I think this whole "unselfishly giving" thing works on the ladies... And I wonder, even if I knew I would never get anything out of it in return, would I still do it?

Yeah. Think I might.

I suppose I'll just remain this way. Because sometimes the Doormat is cool. Like Charlie Brown. Or Linus. Right? He had it going for him. I wish I could just see some reasoning. Because I'm pretty sure that I'm walking into most of these situations. I'm setting myself up to be walked all over, or be walked to, borrowed, and then walked away from. But maybe I'm just like all those other guys who give of themselves without even thinking about it. The ones that you don't need to explain why you need them. Maybe the only thing that sets me apart is that I have no motivation. And I'm draining myself -- because I have nothing to draw from.

So please don't tell me that it will all be worth it soon enough. Or that I just need to wait patiently and I'll be rewarded. Because, sure, the blessing may be in the giving sometimes. And sometimes your reward is your action. But that's little comfort when every night you go home alone and every time you walk through a door there's no one waiting for you.

P.S. Please watch the video. It gave me chills when I was seven, it gave me chills tonight.