Usually that comes from whatever I'm listening to while typing. Talk about impressionable.
In any case, I feel as though this should draw itself to a close. This place gives me the heebie-jeebies. When I realize that these nights I'm as likely as ever to stay up until some ungodly hour ("Not that any one hour is more holy or godly than the next; although, David did tend to pray to God in the early morning."), I also realize that now might be as good and as fitting a time as ever to really take a look back at where my head has been over the last four years. Granted, there may be gaps due to moments of cerebral-absence, or a general distaste for anything and everything produced in that time.
And so we begin, as is customary, with a short series of lines that may or may not capture how I feel in a way that will make sense to the general audience. It seems only fitting that the lines come from the song with the most playcounts on my iTunes (whether intentionally or unintentionally):
Oh, Oh maybe, we were made
We were made for each other
Ahh, is it possible for the
World to look this way forever?
Apologies to AB, as I assume this only made matters worse.
2004: It Begins...
I'm not quite sure, but perhaps this was intended to be a sort of "source of wisdom" for any and all passers-by.
hitchhiking is probably not the best way to meet girls.
Or inanne comments about life--or nothing involved.
Simon says say something incoherent.
Someone asked me what I do for a living. I said, "I amaze."
And then there was some work, like this. And this:
A throw rug, trashed underfoot
Wasted at the hands of your feet
A step towards disaster
You have put your foot down to contest
You have left your mark
Mud tracked in by your shoes
Arranged ever so carelessly
In the shape of a heart
You sweep your leg back
And scatter this mud-heart of mine
2005: It Develops...
As the new year dawned, there were a slew of short, trite posts. There was mention of a girl, and perhaps the start of a pattern of frustration and disappointment.
what a lame line...
not a lime line.
i've got more...
And suddenly life became a lot more introspective. And good God--that would never go away.
1. i'm overly obsessed with making my life interesting, but i hate it when it is.
2. i think i'm lacking in areas that i wish i wasn't.
3. everyone around me excels in the areas i wish i could.
4. people seem to be very closed these days. i suppose the fact that i stare at the road out the window of the bus doesn't help.
5. i don't please myself. which sucks.
6. nobody sees me how i want to be seen.
7. i don't want to be perceived the way i am, i just want to be perceived the way i am.
8. i've set my life up to be an endless trap. the only people i'll be myself with are people who have already accepted me for the me they've never seen.
9. i have to rebel against myself way too often.
10. i give up to easy.
11. i have no freakin' clue when to give up.
12. the annoying idiots are more successful than me.
13. i've been uprooted in every way possible. now i can't get grounded for fear of flying.
14. i pay for things too early. plain and simple.
15. i apply the wrong things to myself, then wonder what happened to everybody else.
16. then they wonder what happened to me.
17. but they don't, because they never knew me.
18. or have known me for three weeks.
19. and i won't know them for much more than that, because i'm going to be uprooted.
20. but they don't know that
21. so they wonder why i'm so distant.
22. but they don't know i'm distant.
23. because they don't who i'd be if i wasn't distant.
24. because they don't know me.
To be honest, there will always be times in my life where I can look back at who I was and really wonder who was actually worse for me. I always found I could blame my discomfort on everybody else, and even rationalize it to anyone and everyone around me. They'd believe me--hell, I'd probably be right--but I'd trap myself in that box of martyrdom. And that wouldn't go away for a long time. At least I always had girls to scare me.
i could paint the tops of my shoes.
and then
i realized something today -- yay for me.
i so want to be one on one with someone, but i'm afraid of it too. i want to be able to talk to one person and still be articulate... from what i've seen, it won't happen soon.
i hate that.
Then began the time of nailing down in writing exactly what it was that I wanted in my life. Yes, yes, I did start the lists. Of course, I would never claim to have a great concept of what I really wanted in life at the age of fourteen... Much less any sort of concept of what was really important. Don't worry; it's all becoming oh-so clear these days.
i'm on the bus, and i see a sign that says,
"hidden fees suck."
and
"dresses for weddings, proms, teachers."
oh, and i was left with this thought:
"she asked me to break her arm so i could sign the cast."
So perhaps I never followed my own advice of avoiding generalizations. I think I just enjoyed making statements.
bad tree = bad fruit
So... What did THAT mean?
Oh! Oh! And then I got really self-righteous and self-victimizing. But after that, I kind of went back and forth between cynical and irrelevant.
one sings,
another turns;
one preaches,
another converts;
one possesses,
another releases;
one gains,
another decreases;
one tries,
another rebukes;
one explains,
another confuses;
one extends,
another retreats;
one complies,
another defeats;
one exhales,
another faints;
one a martyr,
another a saint.
one is glass,
another grabs a hammer.
Like, what does that mean, again? But sometimes I forced out a few lines that made me pity myself in a shocking and pathetic way.
so, last night i did some thinking.
if anyone asks -- the way to do that is to drive around bronte around one thirty, throwing free lick's vegetarian burritos at garbage cans from your car. then go to a playground, put on sunglasses, listen to jack's mannequin and copeland (or dashboard and soco), and jump into a swing that's too short for you. now watch the apartment buildings.
the room on the far left, second from the top, is watching tv. see the flashing lights. you get familiar with those when you walk past or into your parents room for seven years. and it's a huge mother-loving tv. and my shoe is falling off.
so i did some thinking.
i thought that maturity is finally realizing that everything in life has its own hangover.
i thought about this: have you ever been carrying something with someone else. then they ask you if you can carry it by yourself, and you're confident, so you say "yes." they let go and it's only then that you realize how much of the weight they were taking.
you were like that to me
and when you weren't there for that long, i finally -- yes, i mean finally -- realized how much i counted on you being there all the time.
so we've already established that i may be in love
we haven't? oh. well then, nevermind.
i'm not confident anymore
so here comes that hangover. which means, "get out the applesauce". which obviously hasn't been in the fridge. and of course, add cinnamon and granulated sugar. i've heard i put in too much, but to be honest -- i can't taste it. i need to do some thinking. mommy, drive me to bronte.
is there anbody going to listen to my story / all about the girl who came to stay / she's the kind of girl you want so much it makes you sorry / still, you don't regret a single day -girl the beatles
I hope that by now you're not actually reading thoroughly. Because some of this is just as useless as it was when it was written. I mean, I'm not about to perform the classic Andy-Undersell and say something obviously untrue and unflattering about myself in order to either seem humble or evoke a response, but I think I generally overestimated the significance of my own words. I was the one who could end an argument with a sentence, convince the nonbeliever with a line, woo the girl with a whisper, and cure cancer with a homonym. In my mind. What a tool, eh?
Oh. And me listening to Justin Timberlake used to surprise you all.
And then the analytical analogies and metaphors began.
Lately, I wish I could just nail things down like I could in little school. Certainly feeling like a train wreck -- or a hurricane... because a hurricane would let me continue my analogy of nailing things down. Like shingles. Or windows. Or deck chairs. Either way, analogy aside, I'm feeling like I want back to the elementary life (in every essence) -- but it wasn't very rewarding. Maybe if I could redo it I could be a better person.
2. True or False: If Andy redid little school he could be a better person.
For myself, this retrospective, end-of-an-era journey is repeatedly showing me how little I understand things in the heat of the moment. Perhaps that will be my emerging theme (which, no doubt, always seem to come about this far in. Let's just say that I never was one for a short-winded intro.)
There were, however, moments where I did allow for an outsource of material. Because, as they say, two heads are better than one.
Someone once said, "Perhaps the feelings that we experience when we are in love represent a normal state. Being in love shows a person who he should be." That would've been Anton Chekhov
He was pretty smart.
Things going well for you? Well then:
"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." - Abraham Lincoln.
You've got this chance, don't miss it.
Somehow I feel strangely calm in all of this. That's the third time I've felt so unbelievably relaxed that it's numbing. I'm stark-raving calm. It's explosive -- and yet catchy. I could easily get addicted to this.
Upon my second round of reading (the first being the time I wrote them all), I learned that I never really knew what I wanted to say, so if I ever said what I wanted to say or meant exactly what I said--it was all fluke. I think now is as good a time as any to admit to the complete and utter blindness I depended on to make it through life. You may think that everything I say has meaning. Wrong. I just sit here and type.
What I do know for a fact is that everything has changed. At least one piece of my future is set. And now I've made my first move--off to Queen's--and let the chips fall where they may. The pieces are in play, the die has been cast, and I'm running out of table game analogies... But I couldn't be happier.
-AP
Should've done something
But I've done it enough
By the way, your hands were shaking
Rather waste my time with you
-and I mean that.
1 comments:
howly shit, save the second half in my pocket and save it for later. hopefully it doesn't get sticky.
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