Okay, so I made myself a promise that I would give this a shot when I got home from work. Meaning it's past midnight. Meaning that this will probably swing back and forth between subdued and... not subdued. If you follow.
People have to talk to me. That's kind of disconcerting. But pleasing. In a kind of dark and unfortunate way. It means I've got a placement. But then, on the other hand, some people are not talking to me. And that freaks me out.
Enough of the short sentences. I hope that by the end of this I'll have done something more than just paragraphs -- something that'll show signs of the old me still existing. Because the old me died for a while. If you noticed that just means you're on top of things, if you didn't then there's no blame. You may not have. The new me gets me in a lot more trouble (apparently), and I don't know if it's worth it. I've got things I'm working towards, again, and a couple of familiar feelings with enough change for me to chase after them.
The sucky part being that I won't know if that change is for better or for worse until after. I'm not sure what the old me would've done.
Was the old me this shy?
This afraid of taking chances?
Or am I actually afraid to take chances?
I can't remember. Anyone?
I certainly feel different. And I do have regrets, and some much more recent ones, but I don't know what to do with them. I can't honestly say that I handled everything right, or that I ever handle things in the best way (hooray for self-sacrificial!), but I can't do anything about that, now can I?
That's probably a lie. But I guess part of me doesn't want to do anything about it. I guess part of me died this year. Or perhaps a while ago. But has that part been given new life?
So maybe the best way for me to reconnect with myself is to bring it back to the basics. Back to what I started on April 2, 2005.
I want to start over with what I've got now.
I want to watch the stars from a trampoline.
I want to not be alone.
I want to be able.
I want to know that there's a chance for more than two years.
I want to know that this will never end, and if it will, I don't want to hear it.
I want to keep dreaming when things start to heat up.
I want to keep myself under control.
I want to really think before I act.
I want to make impulsive choices and only feel regret if it was bad for someone else.
I want to dry out my gloves and shoes over a furnace duct in the winter.
I want to start focusing on the phsyical, and less on the mental.
I want to lose my wallet and have it returned to me.
I want to get a dog in university.
I want to wear a tie to school.
I want to be there for someone who needs it.
I want to play guitar next to a campfire, with no one there to hear it.
I want to be more personal.
I want to win a draw.
I want to finish an entire coloring book.
I want to go on a road trip with close friends.
I want to have the thing I want to never end go on forever.
I want to let the little things always be enough.
I want to not be afraid of a little negativity or pessimism, once in a while.
I want to have a bad day sometimes.
I want to surround myself with people who will just get it when I need to throw something.
I want to help someone finish their list.
I want to be on someone's list.
I want to be okay with it when I do things that never matter or are never seen.
I want to sit on a swing with someone, and let that be enough.
I want to go in for my kid's career day.
don't be afraid
to revisit your old goals
sometimes.
12 comments:
i had the same idea a couple weeks ago. with the whole 'i want to' thing. the archives got the best of me again and that list looked like it could be encouraging..for the same reasons you thought im pretty sure.
can you see a marking point between the old you and the new you?
ive done the whole trampoline/star thing. for me there's a connection between that and 'i want to not be alone'. on the trampoline...and other times too...those moments where there's beauty in being alone but most of you would come near death just to be with someone else.
'more physical less mental' - me too! maybe in a different sense though.
whats the thing you want to never end and go on forever?
'I want to be okay with it when I do things that never matter or are never seen.' - thats like the library magnet thing i was telling you about. except i wrote down what i magnet-et-ized (fun to say) because words are so cool.
anyways, this is long enough for now.
still love,
tj
just so you all know i was looking ahead: if jackie reads this...and realizes that the title is linked (hint hint jackie) she's gonna be happy;). hehe;)
yes, those two were connected. but they also stand alone. ironic.
p.s. i feel... whole again? ha.
i'm wondering the same thing as tara! whats the thing you want to never end and go on forever? hmm...you should finish a whole colouring book. i did that a few weeks ago, it's very relaxing.
ps, destiny brought me to post a comment here, and read tara's comment...to make the best tea in the world! thank you tara! hehe
and thank you andy
tracey and i used to colour in a barbie colouring book...thats where my barbie picture thing in my locker came from (...come check it out;).) we're not done it yet though, its too special to do all at once. hehe.
barbie colouring books! the best camping pastime ever! All my sisters would colour them. We even made Steve colour one and he coloured it all wrong. I can't elaborate...it's just too weird.
haha, i read your 'i want to' list again....and both times i read it i thought you said: 'i want to get my dog into university'. hehe. and i lost my wallet.
tara i've decided that everytime you want a vanilla bean milk steamer, i'll buy you one.
hahahaha, i should lose my wallet more often;) i had one today! and i thought of you the whole time i was drinking it. PROMISE! hehe;)
*jealous...* they're the best thing since sliced bread
because sliced bread is oh so amazing
i like how in your two pics at the beginning, they're the same view but the second one is darker:) it kinda fit with what you wrote... i guess that was the point wasn't it?
i like your list. and the photos. particularly the last one.
Post a Comment